Barley

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here we are again

it has been awhile

i am in north carolina

at my bro's house

waiting

to put my dog down

my dog that will no longer be my dog

i often said barley was his own dog

to the last that has what he's been

Barley with a capital B

the golden retreiver

beautiful red laced with blond strands of hair on his ears

golden ears not red

like the couch (almost) that papa gave me

my grandpa

i saw Barley last night

we hung out

he drank

and ate his pain meds for Sarah, the other owner, his friend and caretaker and more (chapters there)

he walked a little

he has a huge cancerous mass on his throat

his breathing is labored because of it

because.... i don't know

because we created it





he taught me

forgiveness

to forgive me when i kicked him

that was in 2003

on the AT

appalachian trail

he had gone off after some other hikers

i was so mad

i kicked him

i had anger issues and he helped me work through them

maybe still have anger

but i can work through it better now

and am able to forgive myself

if i need to be forgiven

if i feel like i need to forgive myself

for doing things like hurting those you love



it is easy to hurt

takes patience to love

to let others be

the way they are

and just love them

and be with them

wherever they are at in their life



Barley taught me

how to hike

what you do at first is you go really fast because you are excited

you chase after things

like squirrels (or other female dogs!) or males for that matter

you hump things when the mood suits you

or you try to hump things

what does this have to do with hiking?

we'll there is a term called humpin when you hike

as in humping along (with your pack on)

then you slow down and you learn to enjoy and rest when you need to

but not Krazy K

he has to move on

he has a goal, an agenda

to complete the trail

so barley leaves the trail because it is time for him to leave (i change tense a lot)

he had a hematoma and it was hurting

he made it 1200 miles or so

from GA to PA

except for the bit of Smokies he couldn't do

once when barley was scared he left the trail

have i told this story?

well he left the trail and when i realized why i had to laugh

he was scared

once i found him or saw him rather at the bottom of the hill

called him back and dragged him through the cow pasture full of cows

he relaxed

the danger was gone

those big nasty cows!



so patience

he taught me that too



he taught me unconditional love

don't they all do that?

maybe

maybe dogs love their owners more than others (or is that loyalty?)

but barley seemed to love most he encountered

except the ones that scared him

or caught him off-guard

he mellowed out over time

he became chill

as they say

he chilled right on to the age of 12 when tonight he will be "put down"

that is just the way of it

i am not the only one to decide

i would like to see him go unaided

perhaps

tough decision

a lot to consider

and owners do not like to see their pets suffer

suffer

isnt that it?

so ...

i guess what it is is that pets really aren't human after all

that we do not like to see beings suffer



i will stop with that



what a great dog he is

thanks barley for being awesome

may you leave your body

may your body leave you

with ease however it leaves you or you leave it

may it be for the best of all possible worlds

does that make sense?

may barley leave in a way that is for the best for all parties concerned



peace

and joy

sorrow and sadness

pain and hope

joy and sorrow

opposites

seemingly

states of being

feelings

joy and sorrow

states of impurity

pause

consider

too much to handle

what is too much

that is what we confront daily

what is too much to handle

pema chodron comes to mind

growing

pushing our barriers

or recognizing them

and then going beyond

brave

must be brave

to go

beyond

what you know

and are accostomed to

relaxed

can you be realxed and alert?

sure

you can

can you completely feel the feeling

what you are feeling

as Barley goes under

do you go under with him?

moral dilemma

coming back to that

is it ok to be put under

under what conditions should one be put under?

death

scary

is it?

how much pain are we willing to endure

or put up with

and so and so

on and on





thanks for listening

NC is beautiful

as i walk and feel

the reality of barley

and woods

and nature

and birds and the hawk

who is

the hawk

and part of nature

a part of a interconnected web

of all ife

a part of me

did i create the hawk or did the hawk create me?





sonnet for barley



what is a sonnet

does it rhyme

does it have two lines?

does it have six then stop then have two more?

what is a barley?

does it have one mouth

does it drool

does it run eight thousand times

to get the ball then stop

for two breaths

then ask for more?

what is barley?

is he a dog

or something more?

i see that he is what we call a dog

he loves you when you come home

and moans in pleasure

he mopes when you leave

and then gets on the couch

the one your grandparents gave you

barley is a dog and a dog he is

energy, pure and simple

growing and learning like us all

in form

in the realm of form

material

barley is hanging in the garden

sitting on his haunches

with tongue out

panting

beacuase...

running, hotness, breathing

cooling

and his eyes

look at you

and through you

unafraid

becasue happy

is he

enjoying the ride

happy to be

we are not dogs

we humans

expereience

how are we different? than dogs

maybe you can tell me?

which is the master which is the slave?

be brave

and carry on

barley a master







like the grain blowing in the wind

he came he went

and left memories

to be blown in the wind

barley dog

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