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Published: February 26th 2012
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Her face crumpled and her eyes filled with tears. Her lower lip quivered and she buried her head in her arms on the kitchen table as her shoulders shook with sobs. My Chinese host sister had just found out that I was moving back to the United States and she was devastated.
I felt terrible. I think it is always easier on the person leaving than on those left behind. It had been a difficult week, informing my boss and coworkers that I would no longer be working with them, telling my friends that I was returning to my homeland, and now I had to break my host sister's heart. I was at peace with my decision, but it had not been an easy one to make.
For a period of time, I had been uncertain whether I would ever return to the United States. The job prospects, coupled with the state of the American economy, did not look good. The close-knit circle of friends I had in high school were still involved in each other's lives, but it was difficult for me to remain in that circle when our paths in life had veered off in such opposite
directions. My friends in Beijing came from all over the world and our connections were immediate and intense, as many such friendships are when people meet in a foreign country far from home. I was involved in activities I loved--an internationally recognized choir, a classical musician group, a church family. There were even a few months with someone I thought I could marry.
But something was off. Something was missing. And though I couldn't put my finger on it, that feeling continued to nag at me over the second half of 2011. What was my purpose for remaining in China? When was the right time to leave? What did I want to do with my life? Finally, in late November, I faced the issue head-on. I had to decide whether to stay or to go.
I chose to go.
I had only two weeks to prepare for my departure. Though my to-do list seemed daunting, it was shortened a little bit each day. A coworker asked to sublease my apartment. My scooter was sold within hours of posting an online advertisement. I gave half of my wardrobe to my housekeeper for her daughter and was touched by
her joy and gratitude. Once the utilitarian aspects of the move were completed, however, the goodbyes began. Those were hard. I was surprised by how many people were shocked that I was leaving, and touched by how many people wanted to see me to say goodbye. One common sentiment that was expressed over and over again during a final hug was "you'll be back". And I will.
The night before I flew to the United States, my coworkers threw me a goodbye banquet and karaoke party that lasted until the wee morning hours. At about 9 PM, I snuck out to say one final goodbye to my host family. I first met them during the summer of 2005 when I was interning at a nonprofit in Beijing and wanted to experience a homestay to enhance my cultural immersion. We bonded immediately and stayed in touch through letters and photos until I graduated from college and moved to China in 2006. I became a regular fixture at their apartment and they became my family. I think one of the reasons my parents were so comfortable with my life in China was that they knew my Chinese family was there for
me, and treated me as their own daughter and sister. Their kindness can never be repaid, but I will try.
I've been back in the United States for two months now, and in some ways it feels like I never left. Life continued on this side of the world while I was on the other side, as it should. I'm so grateful for all of the experiences I had, the people I met, and the things I learned during my life in China. The best way I can express my gratitude is to pay it forward by encouraging others to do what I did. Step outside of your comfort zone. Make an effort to challenge yourself. Reach out to someone in need. Be more accepting of those different from yourself. Be the version of yourself you've always wanted to be. That's what I did, and I am forever changed. My experiences moving forward will be forever shaped by the life I led in China. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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