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Published: June 19th 2008
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The Beginning
First "baking" experiment in Sem III. Halley wanted to make chocolates for her girlfriend's Valentine's present "Boarding the train, I take one last look--
I'll keep these memories with me forever."
-Hyde, Secret Letters
Probably another lengthy entry lies ahead, for which I must apologize. I know the intended purpose of this blog is to document my travels.. But the memories that lie behind the travels are equally as important to write down. They are what make places special, after all.
In eight days it will be exactly one month since I left Kansai Gaidai. And.. at this point, those snatches of memories that I still cling to seem nothing more than a dream. Or, more like, every day that I wake up in my Maryland apartment I expect that I am simply dreaming life here in America. I expect that any moment I'll wake back up and be lying on our couch in Sem III, with Jenny talking to Thang over skype or Roslyn shouting something random to make me laugh. School will come the next morning, and no matter how little I sleep I can easily catch back up on that by napping in the CIE or drinking coffee for lunch. There will be cigarette breaks, plans to go to Toriki, and possibly
Snow
I have never seen this much snow in my life.. And it kept up nearly the entire day! Seeing it everywhere was really quite amazing some Karaoke or a trip to beer park in the mix as we plot our next adventure. The dreams I've had since coming back to America are real to the point that it scares me when I wake up and I'm not on my futon. It's then that I hear the metro going through the station, the sounds of people yelling outside or motorists honking at pedestrians, see the old familiar scene of the apartment I left when I went abroad - and I realize that I can't go back to those days in Japan
But yet I also understand that even if I were to go back to Japan things wouldn't, and couldn't, be the same as they were when I was at Kansai Gaidai. Because the thing that I really miss about Japan are the people that I met there. I made some of the best friends of my life at that school; I made a
family at that place. And each and every day that goes by and I am without them is more agonizing than the next. I can drown my thoughts in job hunting, in planning the wedding cake, in thinking about how nice
it would be to travel and go back to Japan to just live in a cardboard box beside a karaoke parlor. I desperately want to stay in contact with my friends from there but it's difficult when the only method of communication you have is email, facebook, MSN or skype. I know that in reality even if I went back to Japan, unless the people I love so much right now were with me it wouldn't be the same. It would be the most spectacular culture I've ever known, with the most fascinating history I've ever studied, but beyond that.. It would be another place to visit for a few weeks, poke around and see what has changed and what hasn't. That's all.
Right now knowing that I'm going to Sweden in December and possibly to Finland in August are the only things that are keeping me going. It's thanks to people like Felix, Cory, David and Aniki that I probably haven't gone completely insane by now. We have conversations, keep in contact, continue to support and be there for one another whether the moment is about Kansai Gaidai or about things happening in our present lives. But there
Happily ever after
When Jenny "proposed" to me at our Hanami party, haha. We've been happily married ever since! are people that I used to interact with daily that I miss so much right this moment. It feels as though no matter what I do that feeling won't go away unless they are right there beside me. It also reminds me of the few key regrets I have about coming home from Japan; the things that I didn't accomplish while I was there. I know several of my "imoutos" joke about it with me when we chat, but it boils down to what I didn't say while I was there. My "Kokuhaku" (translate it if you'd like; It'll come out eventually). I had the support, I had the words on my mind, and I had the knowledge of what may or may not happen if I did say it. But I just didn't take the opportunity, and I missed my chance. And what can I do now other than wonder what might have happened?
Japan caused me to become addicted to people. I'm honest when I say that it was the first time in my life that I have really opened up to anyone. I wonder if that was a part of the culture I was brought up
King's Cup
Our Hanami picnic, and Jukka about to drink the King's Cup. It was filled with a mix of coca cola, salmiakki, lychee wine and coconut rum in; North America prides itself for being a group of individuals. They can do anything they want by themselves, for themselves, and not need a person around them to give them thought to accomplish it. But that type of individualism has so many flaws, I've learned. It puts you on a crash course for destruction, and losing who you really are at heart. You become arrogant, prideful, and uncompassionate for the people that around you. Your thoughts become absorbed in your success, and how to accomplish that even if it comes at the expense of someone else. I can't handle that aspect of American culture anymore. It pains me to think that people feel that lifestyle is okay. This "people addiction" has probably been the biggest change to occur in my life. I thrive on conversation, on meeting new and interesting people, on talking to strangers and getting to know all about them. I look forward to my next adventure, and live day by day knowing it will provide something and someone new.
Today, even: I went to see my mother where she worked and met the most interesting man who had worked in Japan before. He told me
Beer Pong
What we spent the better part of our evenings doing in Sem III all about his time in Tokyo, Hokkaido, Yokohama.. Told me about what he did, and the many other places he had travelled. And thanks to taking those few minutes to ask about himself I might possibly have a full-time job coming very soon. And to think that my chance to go to Sweden earlier than expected is thanks to spending ten minutes to talk to a complete stranger? It's absolutely mind blowing.
But I speak with a recruiting company tomorrow and will hopefully have a job by the beginning of July. I plan to inform them upfront about Sweden, and that there will be a week in either August or October that I will be going to Sweden prior to my official move. I've told my friends, my family here, and have budgeted what it will take to make things a possibility. I've made changes to myself, to my appearance, all knowing they encompass who I really am and what I want to achieve in my goals. I do want to go back to Japan someday. I love Japan, the culture, the history, the people. I can very easily see myself living there someday.. But I can't live or
Gothic Lolita
...Don't ask, haha visit there without people I love.
Right now, going
home is much more important.
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non-member comment
you definitely shouldn't apologize for this entry. you've voiced a lot of things that have been all over my mind lately. it's horrible - just when i felt i was finally adjusting to home, today hits and it's been nothing but sloth and heartache. it's so hard to find solace when everyone from KG has their own lives to deal with, and family and friends at home don't fully understand, or they would take offense at the implication that my experience in japan was so much better than time now with them. not to mention how spread out we are... you were lucky to be able to meet up with cory so soon - physical presence is just so, so important (maybe not necessary, but oh god the comfort). anyway, i guess it's my turn to apologize for this comment. i just needed to feel less alone today. take care, miss ashley. i'm excited for you to have a new adventure already lined up. :)