A Triangle is the Most Stable Object in the Universe - Part 3, End.

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It’s not far back to the mis-step point, less distance than I remember. Maybe it’s the feeling of relief that shortened the sense of time. We're back in known territory…and we are all here…alive. I sigh, the group circles.

“Okay, great goi…”

“I’ve got to leave....now!”

What?

Janet looks at me.

“I’ve got something that I’ve got to get to…I need to turn back.”

Something to get to?

“So, I've got to go... I can go faster than the group.”

Of course she can.

I boil, my face hardens. Think. Outdoor leader fallback...always come back to the safety of the moment…the safety of the group. I’ve no co-leader. I do not have anyone to accompany Janet, no one to walk the 6 miles back with her.

Does she get that we are all in a group? Does she get that we are all affected by her decision?

I look at Clara and Anna, their faces are tired. Chip and Donald have already crossed the river...they are ready to head forward. And I didn’t bring a co-leader, we can’t divide the hike. I want to blame Janet…she makes herself such a tempting enemy, but....

Had I gotten that we are all in a group, do I see we’ve all been affected by my decisions?

“I want to go whichever way is the shortest.”

Clara bends over her walking stick, she is tired. I wonder if I clearly communicated to everyone what 13 miles and 5 hours of hiking means, I don’t think I did…maybe I don’t even know the extent of what could happen. Regardless, I assumed it is common sense to avoid scheduling appointments for the middle of the afternoon during a distance hike.

I could have done much better planning this.

Clara is not prepared for a hike this length, and even after her reassurance,

“The no-doz I took are really starting to work.”

I'm not convinced. Anna is standing on one foot, and Janet has something to get to.

“I want to go back with Janet.”

Clara walks past me and attaches to Janet.

“No. I’ve got to go fast, you can’t go fast enough.”

Clara saddens and steps aside. This is too much…I feel the words slip from my mouth,

“Just go!”

I want to pull these back into my throat or lash out completely at Janet for being a nuisance. I feel hatred and spite and shame. I want to add...fuck you or good riddens…but I do nothing but watch her go into the distance.

BANG.

This is bad. It is really bad to have a member of your hiking group to leave mid hike …ethically, safety-wise, spiritually.

I think back to our work sessions during training where we all chose, “mock leadership styles” and pretended to be “bad outdoor leaders”. We read cue cards of bad etiquette and horrible outdoor mistakes. I got to act out the “laissez-faire” leader who had difficulty taking charge even when it was necessary…someone who always adopted the “go with the flow leadership style,” unconsciously creating a potential for group members to feel unsafe or unsupported. Crap. I only like poignancy when it plays in my favor, I am not amused.

Chip and Dan look at me from across the river, I motion them back.

I am not fit to continue this hike.

I want to disappear or run off like Janet. But I am stuck with nowhere to go.

“Okay guys…as the leader of this hike, I am emotionally spent, and psychologically at my edge.”

Clara cocks her head.

“If we go forward we have about the same distance as if we headed back, but it is unknown territory.”

I really think we should turn back.

I still can’t say it.

“Well, are we going to get lost again?”

I do everything I can not to glare at Clara in contempt, I struggle.

“I can’t promise that if we go ahead…sidetracks are always possible.”

I wish there was a closet to get into.

“Well, I’m just glad you are responsible for us and not me.”

Argh.

Here is how the victim works for me. There is a feeling... I want to disappear but I can't. It grows larger and larger until a devastating void disperses into a storm of tears (expressed or not). I want to escape, I perceive that I cannot (real or imaginary), and then finally I give up and grow cold (or disassociate). All of this effort and inner struggle rather than speak up at a moment when I start to feel that backwards motion, or desire to pull away…all because of the fear of being seen as the enemy. I notice what I do to avoid even the idea conflict…how I follow some deep belief that

If I really spoke up, violence would happen.

My fear of violence, avoiding violence, perpetuates violence…violations of safety, trust, openness in community. And when I retract, I perpetuate violence within myself, resentment, inner anger, crippling contempt. The origin of hatred is plant by my own hand, and when I hate, I am stuck in the victim triangle. I refuse to spend any more life waiting for the rescuer. There must be a better way.

To be given this lesson in such stark conditions has to be a gift. In this environment, the triangle has to be transcended, if only for a moment. It’s for the greater good… the whole group. It could be life or death...this must be interdependence. We must be served together, is this how compassion is born? Here I am in difficulty, with moment to “drop off” my dysfunctional personal patterns for the general good of the group. I've been given the oppoturnity for an act of goodwill.

I am curious about these moments where every aspect of a personal constellation is compelled to act in a certain way...what inspires the miracle to be able to choose another way? It is almost as if it is through the community that this type of opportunity is available. I am also curious what this opportunity serves. I notice here, the collection of community that lent me the “power” to transform my shit into gold. An everyday miracle of telling the truth...why can this be so hard to do?

"I don’t feel fit to continue this hike. I should have gotten a co-lead and now we’ve got to follow Janet, I don’t feel psychologically able to handle more right now other than turning back”

The rest of the group looks at me...it is the first time I can really see the group, no one has a violent face. They are not people I need to tend …or people I need to guide through this experience. I am not scanning for safety or trying to keep tabs. I only see “us” who have gathered around a moment of truth. It has been the only real moment of “us.” The leader archetype is fades. I am not sure what this feels like to everyone.


On the six mile trek back, no one talks to me. Or rather, I make no effort to talk to anyone. I notice my ways of working with chaos and moments of transformation. I become the hermit…I want to reflect to write, to hole up and deeply understand. Whether there is a closet or not to step into, I make some sort of shield around my being…I become a vessel of alchemy transforming experience into understanding…understanding to wisdom. Generating, regenerating, and digesting….until satiation, completion. I never tire of seeking the next meal.

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