Hey, watch the language

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So I spent my last night in Chicago going to a concert with friends. It was here that I realized a lot of things about my upcoming trip.

I basically speak English. That’s it. In junior high they asked me which foreign language I wanted to take and I thought: “I better take Spanish. It’s more common and in case I ever leave the United States chances are it will be more useful.”

Oddly enough, I’ve never been to Mexico and today I leave on my first international trip. To Paris.

If only the kids that chose to speak French and, subsequently, endured the wrath of my bullying could see me about to struggle with even the most mundane of tasks like asking for the check at a restaurant. They would love it.

I am loud, tend to talk with my hands a bit and have an abnormally strong affinity for Michael Jackson. I hear that Parisians abhor the first two. I hope the latter will get me through. I suspect the “King of Pop” is pretty universal. Everyone knows the “Beat It” dance, right?

So the question remains, will Paris accept me like the new fall fashion line or will it discard me like a cold batch of “freedom fries”? I don’t have the answer. I guess I will just try and fit in.

But the problem is I don’t really know how to fit in anywhere but the U.S. And I don’t even do a good job of that. Given that I have never left America, I am pretty much a Yank through and through. So what does it take to be Parisian? And do I have what it? Let’s analyze.

I certainly don’t have the tight jeans (or body for that matter) that will help me blend in. I don’t smoke (which I hear they do a lot of). I have never worn a beret nor have I had a pencil-thin mustache that twirls at the end.

Ok, that last one’s a lie. I grew a small one for a college theme party once. But it looked more like something you’d see at a NASCAR track rather than on the Champs-Elysees.

The only Jean-Claude I know is Jean-Claude Van Damme of 1980s action movie fame. And he’s not even French. He’s Belgian.

I don’t really have much going for me, eh?

I always picture a standard Frenchman sporting a jailbird-style, tight, long-sleeve shirt, a red beret and the aforementioned mustache. He is also walking around the City of Lights with a blank canvas, a palette of paint colors and a bottle of good wine.

I can’t match any of these. I drink Bud Light and my career as an artist died in elementary school when my teacher saw my “abstract” rendition of a grasshopper. It was purple. I failed.

How am I supposed to relate to French art when my own artistic ability peaked in fifth grade? Looking back, my greatest artistic achievement occurred when I mixed every paint color in an art room egg carton and created a non-descript gray color. It was a smash hit. Beat that Monet.

In the past few weeks I have tried to learn a little French. I learned not to call a waiter “garcon” because that means “boy.” I learned how to say: “The girl jumps”, “The car is blue” and “The girl runs.”

All of these are extremely useless.

So those kids in junior high that opted to take French would say, “See I told you so.” Only they would say it in French and I wouldn’t understand it anyway. I’ll stick with Spanish.

But, ironically enough, I did have French Toast this morning. That counts, right?

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Photos

VHS or Beta
VHS or Beta from Louisville, Ky.

Meadowbrook Elementary
Two first grade friends who came to fisticuffs on the playground often. We are tough.

3620
My roommate, and my cousin, for the past couple of months. Well, my cousin for longer than that. Glad I moved out. He's creepy.

VHS or Beta
VHS or Beta from Louisville, Ky.

VHS or Beta
VHS or Beta from Louisville, Ky.

Subterranean, Chicago, Ill.
The Subterranean in Chicago.

Comments

[Casey]

Eiffel Tower
Well done dude. The VHS or Beta show looks amazing. Safe travels and keep in mind you do have experience with something from Paris - the Eiffel Tower. Although, not quite lifesize version, it's something. Mark is creepy (maybe he's French with that mustache) and don't feel bad, I only know Spanish also. Quines tu papa? Croyz