2:39 AM

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It's July 2, 2009 at 2:39 AM...

My flight leaves for Frankfurt, Germany today. By tomorrow, I will be in beautiful, sunny Madrid, Spain.

I still haven't finished all of my homework assignments. I have finished all of my Creative Writing work (thank God!) but none of my Digital Photography classwork has been finished. I still have to print out my research paper, make a powerpoint on Diane Arbus, take about eight more pictures and make a second powerpoint. They are all due on Monday, so my first weekend in Spain I will be doing very little partying, unfortunately.

I AM packed, however. All except for my electronics, which are charging for the thirteen hour plane ride. I hope they play a decent in-flight movie. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep on the plane. It's going to be pure Hell riding on that bitch for thirteen hours.

I've already cried plenty today. I will be missing my favorite TV shows. I will be missing my bed. I will be missing the pool. I will be missing my big ol' comfy couch and the cozy blanket that I always curl up in. I will be missing my puppies, and I don't know what on Earth I will do without them. And of course, I'll miss my family. Especially my sister. She's my best friend in the whole world. I can't imagine going for a whole month without playing Left 4 Dead with her or going to the mall at her side.

I'm trying to think of the good stuff, though. I'll have my own bathroom, which I've never had in my entire life. I'll be able to do what I want, when I want. I'll be able to drink my sorrows away. I'll be able to go see bull fights and matadors.

But, of course, there are negatives to balance that out. I won't know the language at all, and that's definitely got me biting my nails. I won't be able to call my family or text my friends. I won't be able to sleep with Daisy. Sad, but true... I'm probably going to sleep cuddling my beach towel the entire time I am there.

Oh, man... I'm crying again.

I love to travel, don't get me wrong. Absolutely love it. But I want to travel with my family. I wish we could afford to do this together. But the only reason we could afford this in the first place was because it is for school.

I've been very stressed out lately. About the trip. About my family. About our finances. About a job and school and friends. I've been so stressed out that I think I've developed some sort of psychosis. The past week I've dreamed about William Shatner every single night, and I honestly couldn't tell you why even if I wanted to. Some bizarre stuff has been going on in my brain. I'm hoping part of it is because it's That Time Of The Month.

I got a new phone. It's a Blackberry Storm. I love it. It's a global phone, meaning it works over seas. I still get charged for the calls (1.49) and texts (.50) but the fact that I can make them at all takes a huge load off of my mind.

As much as I argue with my family, as much as my mother screwed me over by leaving me, as much as my father screwed me over by marrying Tami, as much as my grandfather screwed me over by dying when I needed him the most... I really love them. I really do. I would stay in my house forever, if I could. Letting my grandma cook me dinner, my dad drive me to run errands... I know it can't be like that forever. I plan on taking advantage of that while I still can. I'm so upset that I had to grow up. I'd gladly stay a child for my entire life. I don't want my family members to get old and die, and I don't want them to stop taking care of me.

I guess deep down, despite my outward confidence, I'm just a really insecure little girl, who still wants to play with her Grand Champions and her Barbies and her Nintendo 64.

So this moment is bittersweet for me. A moment of growth and change, that's for sure. Fun times lay ahead, but the question is: will the times be more fun than the times I've had in the past? Will it make up for the years with my family flying by? And will I be able to stand sleeping without my schmeerbears?

I guess we'll have to figure this all out together.

It's now 3:16...

Peace out, I <3 you all

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