If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says 15 miles to the....

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LOVE SHACK!

Oh yes, I'm sure this is exactly what Fred, Keith, Kate and Cindy had in mind back in 1989 when they unleashed one of the worlds best ever party songs to an unsuspecting public. No wedding video is complete without a fat aunt cheerily rocking from side to side, thumbs up in a Fonzie style with the B-52s blaring away in the background , distorted by the worn-out speakers and tired amp of a mobile disco. Apart from being a practical little shelter, it is a wonderful advert for recycling.

For its size, the UAE has got one of the largest environmental footprints of anywhere in the world, for every sky scraper and unfeasibly large mall there are banks of fin-fan aircoolers to rival an oil refinery. Every one of the 12 million trees along the roads to Duabi, Al Ain, and all around the place get watered twice a day with desalinated water, not to mention the parks, golf courses, forests and other greenery. Pulling the salt out of billions of gallons of seawater and pumping it hundreds of miles inland every week does not happen without a fair old bit of energy being used. The amount of locally produced food is also minimal, so a lot of it is shipped, flown or driven from around the globe. I still can't understand how the Millenium Supermarket next to our building can sell me eight apples flown from America for less than the equivalent of 25p, whereas one apple from Kent costs that much in Essex. Streuth, if I had a decent sized ramp down by the sea wall in Corringham I could jump to Kent on a motorbike.

That is why this little oasis of recycling amongst the glass and chrome of the metropolis is so pleasing. Recycling hasn't really taken off here in a way that we know it in Europe. Although things get mended in a way that we've forgotten - electric motors get rewound, damaged car panels will be beaten for hours rather than bolting a new one on to cite but two examples. Some organic waste gets used to make topsoil but most of it gets dumped in land fill up the desert, of which there is plenty of.

So once again, it's down to me to lead the way to try and save our precious eco system. Fist of all I will endeavour to take environmentally unfriendly man-made substances such as beer, wine, gin and tonic water and recycle it into eco-friendly wee, which can be safely disposed of down a toilet, against a tree or in a wetsuit.

What about global warning? Easy. The air con in our flat is brilliant. If you turn it up you will have your lips turning blue in minutes. So that is exactly what we do, and open the windows to let the cold air out into the atmosphere, where it will have an immediate cooling effect. One flat won't make much of a difference, but what about a thousand? What about a million? What about ten million? Come on everybody, if we pull together we can make a difference.

Incidentally, the buildings in the background are for a massive driving shcool complex. They have got miles of private road, with roundabouts, traffic lights, slip roads, a man made hill, different road conditions, all controlled by the airport stylee control tower. I can only assume that they have also got a ginger bloke driving around the place in a white Land Cruiser so they can all practice cutting him up while talking on their mobile phones.

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Photos

The Love Shack
It's very tempting to make some comment about a small erection.

Driving School
They've got one "L" of a job on their "plate". Do you see what I just did there?