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Published: November 23rd 2018
Now let me make this quite clear from the start. I had been warned not to drink the water from the tap. Lisa has kindly bought water to drink and to brush our teeth in. Not a drop had passed these lips since arriving. The food has been magnificent and I have no doubt that this is what caused the incident when I got to the race circuit today. Now I know you are all waiting with baited breath of the potential story that this could lead to but you will have to wait because this story starts with me waking up.
The day is bright and I can tell that it is going to be a hot one. In fact I’ve heard that they only had a days rain last year and in fact I have read they are now seeding the clouds to produce rain so that more arable land can be harnessed. I have also heard they are going to attempt to do this on Sunday to produce an exciting race. But back to today and the cloudless sky greets me as I look out of the floor to ceiling view from the kitchen whilst enjoying my first coffee of the day. Lisa has knocked Nick and Bethany up and they are getting ready. I packed my bag for the day and don my Peaky cap and once everyone is ready we head out to breakfast at Denny’s. The food is excellent and sets us up for the day. I have to say though that I didn’t realise that veal bacon wasn’t the real thing. We then headed over to Yas Marine island and to the circuit and this is where disaster was about to strike. Nick and myself had tickets in the main grandstand leaving Bethany to head up to a rise in the land known as “the hill”. We start to walk her over to the entrance when I start getting some strange feelings in my stomach. I risk a little fart and immediately regret it as what was starting to purp out was entirely liquid. I bade Nick and Bethany goodbye and make a hasty retreat to the nearest toilet. Having not had the slightest warning pain I now start to cramp like an expectant mother. I enter the only toilet within 500metres and notice two stalls. Both are occupied. Sweet Jesus the pain is immense and the building pressure is surely going to escape and run down the back of my legs. 5 minutes go by and both occupants flush the toilets numerous times. Beads of sweat are now running down my forehead. Just as I contemplate jumping up onto the sink and relieving myself in the bowl one of the cubicles opens. I push past the bemused occupant and unbuckle, sit and hallelujah I find peace. Needless to say I had to remove my boxer shorts and dispose of them in the bin. The clean up operation was the highlight. In middle eastern countries they have showers next to the loos to help clean up. What a beautiful thing. I was pristine and sparkly clean in minutes. Why they have the little showers I’m not sure but if everyone is shitting through the eye of a needle as I did they come in very handy.
Walking like a new man I sidle out of the toilet and enter the throngs of race goers heading to the the grandstands. Nick purchased the tickets and I know he had said that we had good seats, but when I finally found them I was in awe. Opposite the Mercedes garage (my team) and just about opposite the podium on the front row of the main grandstand. Well played Nick. The sun beats down and I slowly realise that I am melting. The sun is high overhead and with no shade and temperatures of 33 degrees and soon start to sweat profusely. The peaky hat that I have brought seems very out of place and acts as a hot water bottle of my scalp. I head out of the grandstand and over to the shop to purchase a lighter baseball cap. I’m not saying it was expensive but I think I may have financially contributed to a new set of tyres for one of the Mercedes cars. I wonder through the entertainment area at the event, and settle with a newly purchased bottle of water on a sofa near the small music stage. The acts that have been on these the last couple of days have been brilliant. I watched a 2 piece band combining hip hop, beat boxing and a 5 sting bass. They looped the sound (like Ed Sheeran) and produced the most amazing cacophony of sound. It was exhilarating to watch. I spend 20 minutes watching their performance. This was proper musicians at their best unlike the shite last night, but unlike Postman Pat (name changed for anonymity) this band only had 10 people watching them. I love stumbling onto acts like this. I remember a few year ago at Glastonbury. My dad has long since gone to bed in the camper van we had hired and I drunkenly stumbled to where I thought it was. I rounded a corner and there was a tiny stage set up with a large lady singing and a bearded man on his guitar. I joined the 4 people and watched as this woman performed a version of Leonard Cohen’s hallelujah. We stood mesmerised. It was the single greatest moment of Glastonbury and out of the 150,000 people in attendance only myself and a handful of people witnessed it.
I joined Nick in the Grandstand and we watched the Formula one hit the track. This was the first time I had come to an F1 race as a spectator. It was amazing. The raw power and speed of these cars rattled your insides as they sped past. The view into Mercedes was great as we watched the mechanics change setting on the cars and set them off again to maximise the potential for a good result. I’m hoping that Hamilton and Mercedes go for it this weekend, having wrapped up both titles last time out in Brazil. It would be very easy to let their foot off the gas and concentrate on the 2019 season. In total we watched 3 hours of F1, an hour of F2 (the feeder category for F1) and 30 minutes of f3. The evening brought a welcome drop of temperature and throughout the day we swapped seats and tickets and I spent time on the Hill lying in the sunshine and enjoying the breeze that was lacking in the close confines of the main straight. As night descended I walked away from the circuit leaving Nick and Bethany to the last of the qualifying and the evening music of The Weeknd. After last night and the kiddy fest that had greeted us I thought I needed some adult company and headed back to Abu Dhabi centre to meet up with Lisa.
After dropping off the bags we head into the mall to do a spot of shopping. Lisa take me to her favourite store a Chinese import Poundland called Dasio. This shop is amazing and has everything in it. You’ve all seen the posts on the internet called “10 ridiculous inventions” or “10 bizarre things you can buy on amazon”. Well this was the shop that had them in abundance. As I went down one aisle there was a section selling sauna pants. Pardon me I enquires to myself plastic pants that make your gonads sweat to their full potential. In another section there were thousands of false eyelashes looking like an insect invasion. I could have honestly kept myself amused for hours. If you ever get a chance you must go. I shall be returning to buy some gifts for Yuliya and the kids.
We head down to Denny’s for a bite to eat and a fruit juice and people watch before we head back the flat. After showering (not with Lisa), Lisa and me chat about life, death and body parts ( the usual nurse interaction) and I feel truly at home in her company. We giggle and gossip until Nick and Bethany arrive home, they decided not to go to the concert and went for a romantic meal instead. I fight my dirty clothes into the washing machine before heading off to bed. We don’t need to be at the circuit until 12 tomorrow so I am planning on getting up early for a run around the local area. Then on to the circuit after a late breakfast for qualifying day.
Peace out xx
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