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Published: January 29th 2009
Nessie?
Looking for Nessie at the top of Arthur's seat. No luck this time. Nice photo though, wouldn't you say?I didn't notice the ripples in the Loch until it was almost too late. She'd come for my white bread, I knew it. My Scottish loaf. The one I'd found perched on top of a shrubbery in the Scottish Highlands. This was all very mysterious. But then again, the entire history of the Loch Ness Monster is veiled in mystery. And it all began a long, long time ago. Here's how our bus driver told us the story:
"On a cold winter morning in 565 AD, Saint Columba, a travelling Irishman, found himself on the banks of Loch Ness. He gazed out into the mists of the waters and saw a boat he liked, floating just off shore. He realized he would have to get someone to swim out to fetch it, and the local Pict nearby seemed good enough. (A Pict is a tattooed gypsy wanderer, native to ancient Scotland). The Pict swam out oblivious to the immense shadow that had glided beneath him.
The Pict had almost reached the boat when, suddenly, a ferocious leviathan rose from the depths of the Loch and reared its mighty head, hungry for the flesh of the hapless Pict. But St
Columba was far too quick and lambasted the serpent.
"Thou shalt go no further" he yelled
"nor touch the man; go back with all speed". The monster, as if being pulled by ropes, descended into the waters again not to be seen again for almost 1500 years.... "
Powerful stuff. The stuff of legends you might say. The first ever sighting of Nessie anyway. Look it up, this is a very faithful adaptation from the books. But what I found more interesting was that as Saint Columba was visiting Scotland he was also introducing the locals to Christianity. I had a lot of time to ponder this coincidence of major events in Scotland's history. Isn't it amazing to think that Columba not only challenged the most famous of all monsters - but also introduced a whole community to Christianity - all in one visit? Personally, I think it might even have been in the same day, nay, the same morning. Imagine the scene - St Columba with 11 Apostles and a soaking Pict in tow, moseying on up towards a shy group of local villagers, a certain air of nonchalance about him:
SAINT COLUMBA: (Casually to
Banks of Loch Ness
Quite daring of me to go to the edge I thought. Must be the Scottish blood in me. a villager) You'd never believe what I just saved your village from.
Villager: Och. What?
SAINT COLUMBA: Do you mean besides certain death and peril?
Villager: Um, aye, I suppose I do.
SAINT COLUMBA: (Sighs) Only the Loch Ness Monster. Nessie herself. She almost devoured this Pict here.
Villager: Och! ... Hang on, I doon knoo what that means.
SAINT COLUMBA: A pict? It's a tattooed Scottish highlander. A kind of wandering gypsy...
Villager: Noo, noo, noo. I knoo what a Pict is. I meant... what's a loch ness monster?
SAINT COLUMBA: The Loch Ness Monster. She's a beast living in the depths of Loch Ness there, always hungry, always ready to attack. Enjoys human meat. Loves the taste. Never mind, I stopped her. Saved the village. Relax.
Villager: Ah, yoor off yer hoolies ya dooley wally brair necked cockernonie. Who are you anyway?
SAINT COLUMBA: My name's Columba, Saint Columba. And not only have I
seen Nessie - I've defeated her too. Nothing to worry about 'round these parts anymore... for now.
Villager: What do you mean 'for noo' yer wally?
SAINT COLUMBA: All I'll say is that God only knows what'll happen next time. Doesn't bother me. I
believe in God, just like everybody back home... and you too I imagine... you
do believe in God, don't you?
Villager: (A confused pause) I doon rightly knoo. Who is God?
SAINT COLUMBA: You don't know God the Almighty Protector?!
Or Nessie the vicious village murderer? Oh my.
Villager: I'm quick to learn...
SAINT COLUMBA: (Sighs) I guess you talked me into it. (A deep breath) A long, long time go........
Maybe that's not what happened. Who knows. I wasn't there.
Anyway, no one came here to read about Saintly conversations with Ancient Picts, as shockingly evocative as they may be. Let me gloss over the other great things I did and saw in the company of my dear friends in Scotland.
Day One The reason I came to Edinburgh was to visit my old friends, see a few sights, and have the reunion of the year. It had been more than a year since I'd last seen them, and I had been looking forward to it. On a side note, I was also returning home to Scotland due to a deep yearning to chase the shadows of my past with a rich and enigmatic family
Fearless Climbers
Edinburgh conquered. Not hard. Try keeping your balance on the way down though. history stemming back to Edinburgh itself. Yes, I'm Scottish. At least a little bit. Oliver McGee (I called myself).
We got straight into some sights, and with my proud Scottish heart swelling like a bagpipe in full melody, I joined Amanda, Carly, Gillian, Scott and Tim M and hiked to the top of Arthur's Seat to take in the best views of Edinburgh. There was actually a lonely bagpiper at the bottom providing some authentic background music... I suppose you can't really practice an instrument like that at home... We also watched a few looneys pelting down the hill, perhaps in some sort of race, perhaps trying to regain balance after a mis-step at the top.
Also checked out Holyrood house, not bad. Not especially stimulating for a thrill seeker, but it was nice to be grounded with a bit of culture.
Day Two Nessie. The trip there was scenically stunning - the driver kept moaning that the snow was too thick and was slowing us down - but we thought it was wonderful. Not only because of the beauty of the Scottish Highlands under fresh snow - but also because every stop we took meant
Snowed in!
Somewhere near Perth. snow fight central. We almost lost Scott to a precipice in his eagerness, and Tim lost his glasses after a good-aiming joker knocked them off (from range) over and over again.
It was five of us (Amanda had moved on) who were off to find the truth behind Nessie - all keen conspiracy theorists, all brave and determined. I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say we were actually living out our childhood dreams. Livin' the dream. In fact, a few of us found we'd been dreamin' the dream along the more quiet stretches of the road. Ha! (Carly's joke there - quite good I thought).
Maverick explorers - many leagues away from the gentle shores of Perth. (Australian Perth, not Scottish Perth). We actually went through Scottish Perth. Don't go there unless you want to pay 30p for 1p. Tasteful toilet humour? I think so.
As it turned out, the combination of a talkative and knowledgable driver, the beautiful scenery, and the 'Best of Travis' for music proved to be a bigger hit than Loch Ness itself. We never caught sight of her... this time. Ropes must have pulled her down
The Loch
Notice the bread in my hand. They keep it in their gardens in the highlands. Weird, I know. I thought it would make good Nessie food. It didn't. too far. But wasn't it T.S Eliot who said that it's the journey, not the arrival, that matters? Yes it was.
Day Three Played for hours and hours in the fresh Edinburgh snow, sliding down the hills on our backs, having snow fights, and wishing we had toboggans. All day long I could feel my Scottish blood tingling in my toes (possibly melted snow creeping through my shoe-holes). True Australians - acting like idiots in the snow.
Day Four Scott's birthday. Took in the cultural sights of modern Edinburgh - those being Pizza Hut and The Wrestler at the cinema - just like old times. I gave Scott some home made memorabilia from Scottish Perth that he told me he really liked. Pretty sure he was being sincere, although you'd be mad not to like a framed toilet voucher that said Perth and Scotland on it.
Before I knew it, it was long past time to leave the city and a mad, mad rush back to the Airport. I only just made it, a nail biting finish to a relaxed few days of Scotland.
Och, Scotland ye cannae do me no wrong. The land
of Neeps and Tatties (apparently Turnips and Potatoes), deep fried Mars Bars and all you can eat buffet Pizza Hut for £6 a head. A land of kilts, clans of cut-throat Campbells, and canned haggis. William Wallace, Robert Burns, castles and monsters of the deep.
And for four fleeting but glorious winter days - the warmth of old friendship and good company. Braw times indeed.
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Tom McGee
non-member comment
Wow. Pity you didn't see Nessie. Although she is probably a hoax... But hope you had fun. Look forward to the next entry...