The Joys Of Traveling

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The following is a direct transcription of a page dated 6/19/08 bearing the title "Airlines does beez A-Holes"

I believe myself to be a reasonably bright fellow, well those who know me know my ego allows nothing in the way of reason when it comes to my smarts, but I think you catch my drift.
Anyway, as bright as I am, I am constantly amazed at the depth of my ability to be stupid.
"How?"
Well, today I got burned by my old nemesis, the fucking airlines.
Now, those amongst you of reasonable intellect who have met me are aware that I am slightly taller than the average guy. My slight frame requires me to sit in exit rows or bulkhead seats on flights to avoid kneeing the chair in front of me for the legnth of the flight. This is simple enough, yes? But there in lies the rub. Congratulations, you are as dumb as me!

In honesty, it's more a funny little joke the airlines and I have. A running gag, if you will. The set up is quite simple. I ALWAYS call weeks, if not MONTHS, early and make this request. You ready for the punchline? Wait for it! I am ALWAYS told the same thing, "Those seats can only be released the day of the flight at the airport." Here is the funny part. You ready? I FUCKING BELIEVE THEM! HA! HA! HA! Joke is on you!!

I always show up early, really early, Earlier than the two hours they tell you to show up only to be told those very seats have already been assigned. So, I end up camped out in the line for WAY to long, like I'm waiting for the next Star Wars movie for no reason. I hate the world so much. The worst part is, I know I am going to pass those very seats and see rows of people whose feet don't even touch the fucking floor who really, really need that leg room. These people should fucking die.

So basically, FUCK NWA (By that I mean Northwest Airlines, I would never disrespect Dr.Dre, Easy E, or Ice Cube that way). My revenge is simple, I will not be wearing shoes for the duration of my flights.

My mood is not good at this moment.

On the lighter side, Austin is really far up its own ass, but it does make me smile on occasion. How? Well, I am, as I mentioned, at ABIA VERY early, so I spend my massive amount of time wandering and see two of the greatest things I have ever seen. As many of you know we here in The ATX pride ourselves on being the "Live music capital of the world" (as long as that music isn't too loud, or you don't plan on playing too late, or want to smoke, or have more than 1 beer, other than that rock your ass off). So, what is the best way to communicate this? Why, a band playing at the airport! Yep, really stupid, arbitrary city ordinances that destroy the main claim to fame of a city are quickly forgotten when you see Mr.Fabulous (that's Dino Lee, for the old schoolers in the house) belting out some shit between the mini Book People and the Airport Salt Lick. Really it balances things out, doesn't it?

Now, did I get Mr. Fab? No, I did not. I did, however get the most fucking bat shit crazy surreal 3 piece jazz/gospel fusion bulshit that FINALLY combined keyboards, bass, and rambling Jesus based vocals, much to the joy of exhausted travelers. Rock and Roll may very well be the devil's music, but this shit is fighting tooth and nail for his attention.

On a normal day this would have been enough to cause unparalleled joy, but God must have mistook my eating at a deli 2 days in a row for me being Jewish, because today I feel, truly, like one of the chosen people.

Why?

You ever seen a guy, in the airport, doing Tai Chi, in the airport, while he was waiting for a plane, IN THE FUCKING AIRPORT???
Well, I have. Check and mate.

I almost took a picture, but I didn't want to startle the guy and chance some Chi imbalance that would send bloody chunks of him spraying all over my fellow travelers. Plus, the guy knows Tai Chi. The last thinkg I want is to get my ass kicked in slow motion by some fucking hippie wearing Dockers.

Well, I am off to my flight. More from exotic Minneapolis.

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