How Women Should Close Doors

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Wednesday I opened the door to my appartment to find my host mom there, smiling at me and asking how my day was going. When I closed the door and turned back to her to respond the smile had been replaced by a severe frown. "Why did you do that?! You're a woman, haven't you learned to be quiet?" At first I didn't know what she was talking about. She shook her head in disbelief. Finally, I realized that I had closed the door too loudly. By American standards, I had closed the door fine. However, apparently in Russia, people (especially women) are supposed to close doors by turning in the handle and very slowly closing the door so that it makes absolutely no noise.
I have found that closing the door the Russian way is just about as hard as not smiling. When you've done something one way your whole life it is nearly impossible to change. Most of the time I have remembered to shut the door the Russian way but since her first lecture I have forgotten twice. Today I forgot and heard her yelling all the way from the kitchen, "Durok!" (idiot). Then she came to where I was, face livid, and asked me how many times she had told me how to properly shut the door. I appologized and I still feel really bad that she called me an idiot. I'm going to buy her a small gift to make up for the mistake. And I will attach a note to my key chain so that I don't forget again.
I, along with many of my classmates, have found out that older Russian women think that they know the one right way to do any particular task and must teacher younger people how to properly behave. In my family, this means folding the blanket twice when I make my bed, always wearing slippers in the house, eating all the sour cream on my plate (sour cream is heaped on top of just about everything), only going out with caucasion guys, never looking a gypsy in the eyes (the gypsy will hyptnotize me), and even how to properly dry my hair.
Many other students have similar host moms. Amanda was making scrambled eggs and her host mom made her stop scrambling the eggs and put the lid on top. When Amanda tried to explain that she didn't want to have eggs done that way the host mom just said "I'm older. I know how to do things better than you."
The culture is very different from America. And things seem to be very different from host family to host family as far as what is considered acceptable.
Something else that is very noticible is that people don't treat strangers with as much respect. I have gotten used to strangers calling me "girl" when they need to ask me something. "Girl, tell me where the metro is", "Girl, are you getting off at the next stop?", and if a guy is hitting on me, "Girl, come to me".
I've gotten used to Russian culture enough to know that if a guy I don't know is smiling at me either a)he's trying to sell something very expensive or b)he's going to start hitting on me. The other day I was walking home and saw a guy about my age stare at me and smile. I knew that holding his gaze or smiling back would be an invitation for him to approach me so I turned my eyes to the pavement and tried to keep my face expressionless. So instead of approaching me, he continued smiling and staring and as he got closer said loudly, "Look at the girl, that beautiful girl. Ohhhhhhhhhh what a beautiful girl." I couldnt help but laugh, I'm too American not to.
It sort of creeps me out that guys that I buy more expensive souveniers from often start hitting on me after I buy whatever. This one guy asked if he could get my number and take me to a restaurant after I bought a rabbit fur hat ($16) today. It scares me because I think that they might be trying to ask me out to rob me. The guy selling the hats was young and cute but many of the shopkeepers hitting on me are like 40 years old. It could also be that I often smile after I buy something so they think I'm interested in them.
I'm going to try to learn to act Russian and obey all the little rules of my host family. But I can tell you that as soon as I get back to America I'm going to close doors just the way I want to.

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Comments

[Kira]

The Russian way...
Oh no! That sounds like a lot to remember! And I'm not quiet in *any* way, so maybe I should start practicing now. ;-) I hope your host mom forgives you! ...But I do find it amusing that she used the male form when she called you an idiot. :-) Good luck!

[Kira]

The Russian way...
Oh no! That sounds like a lot to remember! And I'm not quiet in *any* way, so maybe I should start practicing now. ;-) I hope your host mom forgives you! ...But I do find it amusing that she used the male form when she called you an idiot (durok, not dura). :-) Good luck!

[Rebecca Dingo]

slamming doors and the Dingo household
Hi Genna, your post made me laugh because it reminded me of living my my dad. We were also not supposed to slam doors when we were growing up. We were taught to turn the door handle and gently shut it too. Perhaps this is a left over expectation from growing up with a dad whose family is from Poland. What made me laugh though is that I am a very light sleeper and I recently complained to Zac that his morning and evening rituals (which of course involve going in and out of the bathroom) wakes me up 'cause he always slams the bathroom door! Maybe one of the reason not slamming the door is important there is because it might disturb neighbors? Something that those of us who live in single-family houses do not have to worry about-- unless you are a part of the Dingo family ;) .

[european]

calling names
well, shutting doors differently is one thing, put you shouldn't put up with being called an idiot. In my perspective - you are showing the will to understand and take in consideration their way of being, but find no understanding from that woman. That's typical russian behaviour. If she calls you an idiot again - demand for apology. It will turn out to be a scandal, I'm sure, and then change the family...

[Wenjia]

I'm a bit upset to hear that Russian culture is so much "ruder" (at least, on the surface) compared to American culture; it sounds like your host family really sticks to tradition. I'm sorry about that the more negative aspects of 'culture shock' are finally kicking in, but I'm still sure that you'll adjust in no time. =) (And just think: Your russian must be improving exponentially!) While I'm annoyed that your host mother called you an idiot, I really think it'd be a HORRIBLE idea to 'demand' for an apology. (This is regarding another comment I saw...) You're their guest, and they already believe that they "know better" than you, so you're really not in a position to demand anything from them. I'll probably just end up angering your host family, and that will make your stay MUCH harder than it needs to be!!! In any case, I hope your host mom cools down -- and don't let it get to you!