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Published: September 15th 2009
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Hallo,
I've been here in the Netherlands now for about two and a half weeks - it feels like much longer, months maybe. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. Moments where I have had to stop the tears from sliding out of my eyes, moments where I laughed so hard my sides were splitting, hours lost in contemplation, seeing things for the first time in my life. I can officially state to you all that I am far out of my comfort zone here
Yesterday was the most difficult for me. The day was long, I was exhausted and woke up feeling slightly ill, my lack of sleep finally catching up to me. I rushed to get to school about a fifteen minute cycle ride in some mildly heavy traffic. Mopeds, cycles, trams, buses, cars, foot traffic all in some cluster fuck mess, slightly organized chaos - it's only a matter of time before I hit something [and I am not counting the fact I have hit a few curbs, almost got my cylce tires stuck in a tram track and that time where I was
Windmill in Egmond, Netherlands
One of three remaining early 20th century windmills on the North Shore of Holland trying to light a cigarette while riding without hands and ran into a bush] I was the first to arrive, suddenly realizing that I did not need to be at class. I didn't have my calendar with me and I had run out of pre-paid phone minutes...I decided to wait it out, surely another student would arrive - and thankfully they did. I had felt helpless for those twenty minutes. I couldn't call anyone, to get my caldender it would have been another 15 minute cycle home then another back if I had been wrong. I live on the third floor of my building in an attic room that was converted from a storage unit. I was feeling overwhelmed and the rest of the day didn't get much better.
I ended up tooling around for a few hours. Went to lunch with some fellow S.I.T. students at the UVA did
My Group - Sans myself
in a small coastal village on the North Shore some Dutch homework, which is still so hard for me, bought minutes for my cell phone and then went to Dutch. After another lesson of Dutch I went back to the Albert Hein grocery store to change minutes for my cell phone because the woman had given me minutes for T-mobile instead of AH mobile. We spent about 15 minutes arguing about it, I was not about to pay 40 Euros instead of just the 20E and apparently the woman didn't remember me from before, even though my receipt was from that day and time stamped. I felt like an idiot, I could not articulate what I wanted to say to them in Dutch and when I would try to articulate in English we weren't understanding eachother again...after FINALLY getting my minutes I walked out to my bike to have my bag strap snap, and had a small break down. I started carrying my things while wheeling my cycle with one hand and got called a Bitch by an old man - by the time
I got home I dumped my things in my attic and then just took off running.
When I got to the Amstel canal a few blocks from my flat in De Pijp I stopped. I thought "Where are you going?" I walked to a bench facing the canal and looked out onto the Amstel with the pigeons. "Where are you going?" I thought again to myself. It reminded me of a book I had picked up in the Air port in Hong Kong called "What on earth have you done?" The author discussed how these questions help us in defining who we are, they are the questions that allow us to look into the mirror and understand the reflection looking back at us. I am suprised at how quickly I have started asking these questions, the excitement of being in a *somewhat* new place starting to wear off. After some reflection and some smiles thrown back and forth between myself and the UVA rowing teams I walked slowly back to my flat, to dinner with Antonio, my homestay Opa.
During dinner Antonio looks at me with his wise old eyes - I'm absentmindedly
Canal in my Neighborhood
Canal off of Amstel in De Pijp Amsterdam playing with my pudding, a treat he gives me after every meal. Antonio asks me questions about what I think. "See?" he says to me, "You know who you are Leah, always stay true to that person. Always. No matter what. It is the greatest gift." I feel better already.
I'm happy here, I don't want it to sound as if I'm not, as if I'm miserable or suffereing some crisis - I also don't want it to sound as if this can only be chalked up to culture shock. That's mostly it - but it's something more. I have learned about things and seen things I had never even thought of before. I attended a sex workshop, my first, and learned the propper way to fist someone, which I guess will be good to know if I had to fist someone in order to save their life (?) Otherwise, that's not a cup of tea I'll be having I feel like I have had so much feminine theory thrown at me that I literally don't know what to do with all of it and I have been told on more than one occasion that people who are religious are uneducated or misguided. A large Dutch view is that many of the problems that I spend my days fighting for are pacified here, "The Gay Rights movement isn't really so much of an issue - that's been pacified" "The women's movement isn't so much of an issue - that's been pacified" "Religion isn't really an issue besides Islam - everyone is tolerated"
"Then what is the point of life?" I ask during our first theory lecture, "If everything is taken care of then what is the point?" Or if I could have spoken more eloquently, "What drives you? What sets a fire for you to do good in the world if there aren't any issues? What's your vocation if there is nothing to rise up against?"
I guess I'm realizing that these are the things I take home with me - back to my Country, to do good there among my people The things that make me angry or frusterated or make my eyes go wide in amusement mixed with some type of fear are things that only make my calling, my vocation stronger. And I know exactly it is that I want to do.
Finally. For real. Completely. and a small hint is that the ELCA passed something a few weeks ago, now maybe it's closer to a month. I'm too afraid to say it outloud yet, like I'll jinx it or something, but it's there.
Sorry for the length of this blog friends and family - I thought I'd make up for not writing for so long. I'll share more specifics of the trip later. Croatia is in one week. Giggidy Giggidy.
Until we meet again
L
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The quality of mercy is not strain'd, It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest; It blesseth him that gives and him that takes: 'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes The throned monarch better than his crown; His sceptre shows the force of temporal power, The attribute to awe and majesty, Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings; But mercy is above this sceptred sway; It is enthroned in the hearts of kings, It is an attribute to God himself; And earthly power doth then show likest God's When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, Jew, Though justice be thy plea, consider this, That, in the course of justice, none of us Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy; And that same prayer doth teach us all to render The deeds of mercy. I have spoke thus much To mitigate the justice of thy plea; Which if thou follow, this strict court of Venice Must needs give sentence 'gainst the merchant there.