I totally like spilt my fanta all down my new top

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Good Morning Chicos



It is so hot here I could puke. We are in Granada, Nicaragua and I’m wowing the locals with my un-bronzed un-Adonis like physique. Not long before we left to go travelling (holiday) I met someone who said, “oh wow you’re going travelling, you are going to lose so much weight.” Right, I’ve just met you and you have already made your mind up that I am a bit flabby. But as it turns out this judgemental bint was correct. We are 4 months in to the day and I have in fact lost a fair bit of timber. This has not however been through choice (or exercise) but the fact that about 3 weeks ago I found out that I had a parasite living happily in my stomach which we reckon had been there for about 7 weeks (since La Paz, Bolivia). Luckily I found this out in Honduras where you can literally buy any kind of drug you want over the counter in a pharmacy. So after a weeks course of antibiotics you will be happy to know my stools are solid again and I’ll be a fatty again soon. In Latin America they have an endearing term for fat blokes called ‘gordo’ which I think we should employ in England to stop being so racist against the fatties.



I was up early this morning, 6:45am to be precise. I know it’s not that early but it’s pretty early considering the most important things I have to do today is get some milk for breakfast, go to the post office to post a parcel back to Blighty (like that’s going to arrive) then email our incompetent Estate Agents who are doing a fantastic job of messing up everything possible to do with our house back in Calderfornia. The first reason I was up early is a result of our dorm being like a big stinking sweaty oven. Secondly, my back was killing me (and me plums) after going horse riding yesterday for the first time in 20 years. Finally there was a big growling woman in our dorm who looks like a cross between one of Marge Simpson’s sisters and Micky Rourke when he was in ‘The Wrestler’ and she was making me feel a bit ill.



We are back in a zombie hostel where travellers (people of holiday) sit on their laptops or iPads for about 20 hours a day and you can’t even get a simple hello out of them. What’s the point in going travelling (holiday) when you don’t leave the hostel. From my experience the mean streets of Nicaragua are only a little bit mean. So far since being here I’ve only had one guy point his machete at me and ask me for my hat, to which I replied “erm no gracias” and rode off on my horse. I don’t understand how people can be on facebook for so long in any one time. I last about 5 minutes on it before I get bored of seeing pictures of people’s kids that I’ve never met and probably never will. We spent the last week in a Spanish language school in San Juan de La Conception, Nicaragua but now we’re well and truly back on the travelling map.



A girl has just walked past me (American) who is going out for a run and is dressed like when famous people such as Madonna, Kylie or Brian Dowling go running. You know when they dress so inconspicuous with a matching black tracksuit, shades and baseball cap that it’s obvious they are famous. Although I don’t think the lass who is staying in the dormitory next to ours is famous. I think she maybe just mental.



Any how I last wrote to you when we had arrived in Hopkins, Belize. We were staying in a kind of hostel/ crack den for the week by the beach. All week the townsfolk had been building up to the Garifuna settlement day celebrations on the weekend. It was all anyone talked about. As a result of all the hype we decided to miss the weekly boat direct to Honduras leaving on the Friday and we stuck around for the festival on the weekend. Well I am so glad we did. The ‘massive party’ on the Friday night turned out to be me and Judith stood in the rain in front of a 12 foot high speaker stack pumping out reggae dub bass with a Canadian bloke who looked like he’d been speedballing heroin all day, his hammered mate, a French/Canadian pillock who fainted at about 10pm and no one else. Wooo party! The police had been round our hostel earlier telling us how crazy it was going to be and they had brought in reinforcements in case it kicked off. Really? They told us this whilst they were having a few beers ‘to take the edge off’ before they started work. It was dreadful. We managed to get to a bar later on and made a night of it. We met a bloke from Glasgow who was complaining that all the food in Belize was deep fried. Judith said “you’ll be used to that though won’t you, being Scottish.” Good lass. It turned out that the big party was in Dangriga up the road. Three dudes from our hostel went to Dangriga and had a great time. We bumped into two of them later in Guatemala and they told us that the other bloke they went with (and shared a room with) told them just before they went to bed that he had been in prison and had raped a couple of guys when he was inside. In a way I’m kind of glad we didn’t go.



What is it with these floral MC Hammer trousers which I keep seeing girls wear? They are ridiculous. It looks like something went wrong when making a pair of curtains plus it makes people walk like penguins. They’re almost as bad as those Roman sandles which make women’s feet look like a raw chicken breast being pushed through a wicker basket.



We got up at 6:30am for the start of the settlement day festivities which was a re-enactment of the day the Garifuna people arrived from Honduras and settled in Belize. Nothing started until 9am which I was incredibly happy about as I we didn’t get to bed until about 2am and I had a hangover. When it did eventually get going it was pretty special so I’ll let them off. They gave out free traditional food of which mine was really nice. Judith’s on the other hand was a bit minging. We even gave it to some skinny stray dogs who turned their nose up at it. We had to hide it in the sand as to not offend anyone. Ooops.



The day we left Hopkins I found out my Grandma had died that morning. She’s been in hospital for a few days prior but it was still a shock. The following few days were quite difficult as all my family were together and it was the first time on the trip I wanted to head back home. I think getting moving back to Guatemala that day was probably as good a time as any to take our minds partially off it. We took a taxi from Hopkins to the nearest bus stop (4 miles away) to head south to pick up a boat back to Livingston, Guatemala for a few nights. The taxi driver had one eye, a limp and was drinking a bottle of beer on the way. The bus took us to a port where we picked up our ‘ferry’. The ‘ferry’ was a six seater speed boat and was not supposed to be heading to Livingston but with a bit of persuasion and a small back hander to the captain we were on our way. Back handers are a way of life here. When we arrived in Livingston we changed some Belizean dollars into Guatemalan quetzales round the back of the tourist information with the lad who was working in the official tourist information office. In for a penny in for a pound.



We stayed for a few nights in Livingston before we headed to Honduras. Livingston was alright. It was a bit like an ASDA smartprice version of Belize. There was a sign on the bank in Livingston which said ‘No Smoking, No Mobiles, No Guns.’ Ok then. We took a ‘boat trip’ up the Rio Dulche, which turned out to be more like a water taxi that occasionally slowed down for a few seconds at various places so you could take a photo. It was quite picturesque however and we saw a floating dentist. Fancy having your teeth drilled on a boat on a river whilst loads of boats fire past? No me neither.



We left Livingston and took a boat and then a bus to La Ceiba, Honduras where we were to pick up a ferry (a proper one this time) to the Honduran Bay Island of Roatan. We shared our bus and ferry with two Ozzy doctors that were called Bruce and Sheila. We ended up sharing a posh apartment with them for a night and then a less posh cabin type thing for a few more nights. Sheila was the most famous person we had met on our trip so far cos her cousin played a character called Keitha in an episode of flight of the conchords. But then we met a more famous bloke later on who was the producer from a comedy (apparently) sports quiz show on Sky called ‘a league of their own’. We really are rubbing shoulders with the rich and famous.



Micky Rourke has just got up. Jeeees. I don’t need to see that in the morning. There is also a woman here who looks like Prince or whatever he is called these days, but kind of like if Prince had melted.



I decided to do my PADI open water diving qualification whilst we were on Roatan as it is one of the cheapest places in the world to do it. As I’m a typically tight Yorkshireman I am willing to put my own health and safety after a bargain knockdown price. On my first day diving (bearing in mind I’d never dived before) we went down to 14 metres. It were class. I passed the course and in the process saw loads of fish and stuff and a turtle. When we’d get up to the surface the instructor would tell me all the names of the fish. I’m sure he made it up. We saw a trumpet fish, tobacco fish, lion fish, caravan fish, ninja fish, trouser press fish and many more fictional creatures. After Bruce and Sheila had left to go back to ‘stralia we had the cabin to ourselves for a couple of nights. In Honduras, House Keeps don’t knock on your door: I was having a shave, completely starkers when the 17 year old hostel owner’s daughter waltzed in our cabin to clean the empty room. She couldn’t look me in the eye for our remaining days at the hostel. This rates as the second most embarrassing moment of our trip. The first being when I fell out of a toilet door on a bus in Peru, mid flow as the bus driver took a corner too fast and the lock broke off as I ploughed into it. Yes that was pretty bad.



We left Roatan and headed back to mainland Honduras. There had been a big storm the day before and no ferry’s were leaving so we had to get a flight. It seems the airlines safety precautions in Honduras don’t follow the same as the rest of the world. There was a woman sat next to me having a full blown conversation on her mobile for the entire flight plus there was a man in customs when we’d landed declaring his handgun and bullets which he’d merrily carried through the flight. We took a taxi from the airport to the bus station and quickly jumped on the bus before it set off. It was nice to get back on a proper public bus again. Most of the buses we took through Guatemala were tourist shuttle buses as some of the places we were going were a bit of a nightmare to get to on public transport. The public buses here are great. People jump on at every stop, selling food and drink and all sorts of crazy stuff like medicines, toothbrushes and syringes. A blind bloke got on and sang to the whole bus for 20 minutes. It was great. The attitude to reclining your chair on a bus in Latin America is much different to in the UK. Back home I’m mortified if someone puts their chair back without asking if I mind whereas here they just ram them as far back as they can as soon as they sit down so their head is almost on your lap. They’re not being rude as everyone does it.



We arrived in Gracias, Honduras after taking a taxi, a plane, another taxi, a bus, another bus and a tuc tuc. Gracias was a bit weird. We were a proper novelty there as people just stared at us the whole time. I missed the attention a bit later when we headed to Nicaragua. We went to a restaurant in Gracias which was tipped as the best restaurant in Honduras by Lonely Planet. It was shut. On a Friday night the best restaurant in Honduras was shut. Nice one. We stayed for 2 nights before we headed off on a minibus to Danli, a border town (still in Honduras) before crossing to Nicaragua. I was so pleased that within 10 minutes of setting off, the guy who was sat directly opposite me threw up all over the floor. They stopped the bus for about ten seconds to ‘clean up’ before heading off. A cowboy then got on a stood in the puke but was so crouched over his head was practically on my shoulder. And his breath minged. I took a video. You can just see the pukey man in the bottom left corner of the screen.

I didn’t think they could fit anyone else on the bus but they managed to squeeze on another couple of people so I took another video.



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We were really lucky with the buses on this trip. As soon as we arrived at a destination the next bus would be ready to set off. Its not that we booked them like this we have just been lucky. We stopped in the border town before heading off the next day to Esteli, Nicaragua. The border crossings so far have been pretty easy. Leaving Honduras however was a bit tricky. Not because of the hundreds of trucks queuing to cross the border, or the gangs of bikers eyeballing you, or the chickens running around everywhere but because they didn’t have a clue what was going on. How many people must have crossed this border and they still have no idea. You had to pay a tax to leave Honduras, a tax to get into Nicaragua and then pay another tax just cos the bloke who asked us had a massive tash and a gun. Tash tax.



We were a bit disappointed with Honduras. Maybe we didn’t give it enough of a chance. The guide books didn’t really sell it to us nor did we find much we wanted to do there. Roatan had amazing diving bur it was a bit built up for the tourist trade and was full of Americans. The mainland country wasn’t as poor as we’d expect (not that we wanted it to be poor) but it was quite modern. There were new built shopping malls and the roads were pretty good. Although it was a bit crazy it wasn’t quite mental enough for us.



We headed to Esteli as I’d read in the guide book something about steak. On the way there I read to book again only to realise it said streak, not steak. Judith was not best pleased. The hostel we stayed in was a bit of a lefty tree hugging place. I found my self trapped in a conversation with an obnoxious German lass one night about the littering problems with plastic bags in Central America. Basically food, drinks, everything gets put into plastic bags here and then seemingly gets wanged on the floor. A dim-witted Canadian lass overheard half the conversation and butted in “Oh yeah like totally, I hate those plastic bag drinks. The other day I totally like spilt my fanta all down my new top.” Maybe missed the point there love.



People keep telling me about ‘travel fatigue’. I still don’t know what it is. “Oh yah I’m getting travel fatigued right now so I’m like totally going to hang out in one place for a while to get my energy back.” I’ll tell you what’s tiring. Working. Travelling (being on holiday) can be quite tiring at times but if we get tired, guess what, we go to bed early. Travel fatigue doesn’t exist. It has been made up by students who’ve never had a job and make out that travelling is hard work. Believe me, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever had the privilege to do.



Anyway, we left Esteli to head to the Spanish language school I mentioned earlier. If you’ve never sat in the front seat on a minibus with no seatbelts whilst doing 90mph then you’ve never been travelling (on holiday) in Central America. The school was great. It is the sort of place that I should have hated but it was probably the least pretentious place we’ve been so far on this trip. Everyone was really nice which unfortunately does not give me much material to write about. For us it was a bit like being in a little bubble for a week where we learnt Spanish in the morning and went on organised trips in the afternoon or evening. We even got fed three meals a day, although they were vegetarian. It was like being in an all inclusive holiday for intellectual people. As I have just written this the spell check came up on interlectual so that actually probably counts me out of that synopsis. This was the school:



http://www.mariposaspanishschool.com/



I don’t know how my teacher had the patience to teach me anything. He was literally asking me the same thing over and over again all week. Plus we had one of my lessons next to a monkey enclosure which is the last thing I needed to distract my attention.



The Spanish language is so stupid. It has so many rules to follow yet it has so many exceptions. You’ll get a load of nouns that are masculine and feminine and dictates whether you use la or el in front of them apart from a whole load of words which don’t fall into either category, just cos they don’t. Ridiculous. Although the kitchen ladies knew I didn’t speak a word of Spanish they still enjoyed having shouty Spanish conversations at me for the entire week. Judith of course was like the teachers pet and my teachers kept telling me how good she was at Spanish. At the school we shared our cabin with a number of interesting beasts including spiders, cockroaches, lizards, mice and bats. We are just so used to it now it doesn’t bother us. There’s nothing like having a big spider staring at you whilst you’re on the loo to help you go.



We left the school yesterday and will be heading South in a few days before heading to Costa Rica to see some crazy animals and then onto Cuba on the 22^nd December for Christmas and New Years with some Communists. Nicaragua is probably one of the most interesting countries in terms of politics and modern history we’ve come across so far. You should read about it.



It doesn’t really feel very Christmassy here at the mo. I’m missing the German Market in Leeds. Right I’m going to have to go as I’m feeling a bit tired. Must be the travel fatigue……….



Have a good Christmas and Happy New Year and all that.



See you in a bit





Ste and Judith







PS. I found this clip from the Fast Show which is very similar to that domestic violence video we saw on the way to Lima in Peru, but with better acting. Enjoy



http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=-WNxrZRhdPE





More photos here:



Belize

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150379658072532.357614.581642531&type=1&l=d70a2d1a20



Livingston/Rio Duche

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150403902832532.360043.581642531&type=1&l=078260bdde



Roatan

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150403928112532.360047.581642531&type=1&l=868591b324



Gracias

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150404556072532.360116.581642531&type=1&l=aefd680842



Esteli

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150404571152532.360121.581642531&type=1&l=63da0f42a6



Marisposa

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150426156647532.362257.581642531&type=1&l=e90e0391cc

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Comments

[Jackie]

Bus Journey
Laughed oodles at the bus video clip. x

[cabochick]

Exactly!
[i]"sit on their laptops or iPads for about 20 hours a day and you can’t even get a simple hello out of them. What’s the point in going travelling (holiday) when you don’t leave the hostel".[/i] Glad this doesn't just bug the shit out of me.