Do you know how to use chopsticks??

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Howdy all,

How's things? Hope you're all fine and/or dandy.

Now, I have to be honest, I wrote this one at the start of the year but never got around to sending it for some strange reason. A lot of it still rings true and the experience here rarely ceases to amuse. I would have written a proper one but it's just waaay too busy at the moment, and the moments of inspiration have been few and far between, despite the number of showers and visits to the can I've had to try and induce it.


Anyway, this week's entry is thus:

"Well look here until then,
They're gonna buy your life's time,
So keep your wick in the air,
And your feet in the fetters 'til that day…"
The Shins - Australia

Here I am in Vietnam again, and I would have written sooner, but this annoying thing called work keeps getting in the way.

Try as you may to escape its clutches, it nevertheless manages to permeate through most of your waking hours on most days, and leaves little time for much else, except maybe some consolation with some good food and drink (of which I have already spoken at length about).

Spending so much time at work here, one of the first things you notice coming from an office environment in Australia is the difference in personal space. Basically the rule here is, if you're not a big cahuna, you don't get any.

Um, personal space that is. Though now that I think about it, that statement could almost double as social commentary on class divides or hip hop/gangsta rap culture or something, but I digress....

Since I'm not a big cahuna, I sit amongst the people (proletariat champion that I am) where I get to know my colleagues very well, simply by virtue of proximity. There are no desks or cubicles in the office for the common man, but work benches where we all sit next to each other in neat little rows, much like women in a typing pool back in the day.

Now the gap between a couple of average size Vietnamese people on the bench is I'd say perhaps around a foot or so. When I attempt to sandwich myself between 2 Vietnamese colleagues, I find it's easiest to ease myself in and out of the bench with the assistance of some lube and a crowbar.

Since I'm in such close proximity to my fellow Vietnamese colleagues, I have the chance to fraternise and get to know them better. Given how close you are to everyone else though, it's akin to having a conversation with someone else in a lift; Whether anyone wants to or not, they're dialled into your every word.

Combine this with the Vietnamese penchant for direct questions and you get some interesting moments 😊

Here is a sample of a few questions I've had to tackle whilst shoulder to shoulder with my colleagues:

"Are you Asian??"
- Now I know I look a little different to the average Vietnamese guy, especially since I now have thick rimmed glasses and relatively unkempt hair. I am considerably larger in girth too, but I didn't realise I looked THAT different. Last time I checked in the mirror I was still pretty Asian, so I dunno. Maybe it's because I only speak engrish....
**But recently, people in Australia have remarked how I look MORE Asian now, so go figure. It's like 'Yeah, being an Asian living in Asia will probably do that to you....'**

"You from Australia? Ahh, you are a Vietnamese Chinese Kangaroo!"
- In hindsight, that's one of the most accurate descriptions of my heritage I've come across. What do you reckon Skip? Uh huh....

"Are you married? No? Why not, you no like woman??"
- No really, I do. Just not enough to spend it with one right now for THE REST OF MY LIFE. I'm not saying never, I just mean not now. I've read the fine print, the rest of my life could be a reaaallllllyyyyy long time, and any woman would probably get sick of me by then anyhow. And he's got me, there's no way I could actually disprove his accusation of me without him being considered a voyeur and me being rather embarrassed about the whole thing....

"How much do you weigh? Really? But in table tennis you move very fast."
This to me is very much a backhanded compliment. If you were watching a nature documentary, the equivalent commentary from David Attenborough would be: "despite that fat Hippo weighing more than 4 tonnes, it can still chase down a canoe over a short distance and crush it with relative ease."

"Do you like karaoke?"
- Perhaps they asked me this because I don't look Asian. If they already knew I was Asian, they wouldn't have bothered asking me this. It is this reason I'm sure that also prompted the question, 'Do you know how to use chopsticks??' That and my engrish probably....

"Is two bowls (of rice) enough for you?"
- Surely someone that weighs 3 times the average vietnamese person requires more food? Well no, 4 tonne Hippos only need to consume a fraction of their body weight daily. It gains most of its sustenance on a diet of crushed canoes. I'm a little hurt really, I only eat more than two bowls some of the time, not ALL the time.

"Do you like dancing?"
- Yes, but I'm only as graceful as a 4 tonne hippo could be. If you've ever seen me salsa, you know firsthand what I'm talking about.

"You can share my mat if you like."
- Now before you get any strange ideas, it's still common for staff to have a siesta in the office after lunch. A girl inviting a strange man to share her mat for a siesta I must admit is still a little brave though. I declined for the sake of her reputation. That and I wasn't sure sleeping on the floor was something I needed to experience while I was sober. Besides, what would her parents say? "What were you thinking? Look at him, He's not even Asian!"

Anyway, have a good one all. It's National day long weekend in Vietnam this weekend, and I'm off to the beach. Speak to you all soon.

cheers,
Ben

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