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Muchos sorridio for the long gap in between entries but I was first held hostage by some guerillas, I then won the lottery and have since blown the lot on cheap lobster and speedos and only 2 days ago was called up by Faboi Cappello to play right wing for England... I said no obviously but have had to lie low until the dust settles...
So the last time we spoke I was arriving in the colonial town of Hoi An. IN fact I have no idea if it is colonial or not but it sounds good... Hoi An was pretty nice with old streets full of articts and restaurants and rats and cockroaches much like th rest of this fine pest-filled region... Not too much was really achieved in Hoi An apart from catching up on some well deserved sleep and also trying to get rid of our motorbike guides who were keen to bring us south to Dalat for a mere 50 dollars a day... as tempting as a 5 day ride on his arse devastator of a Honda sounded I had to politely decline until such times as arse transplants become fashionable and the price comes within
Superbono!!
In a pub in Hoi An reach of simple hard working folk like myself.. another thing whcih Hoi An has in abundance is tailors... The tailor capital of Asia many call it... Probably because there are so many tailors believe it or not!!
Anyhow, for a dapper quire such as myself it was like chistmas and easter all fished into one greta material dream... There were people dashing for scissors, measuring tapes all over me like a rash and at least 30 workers all keen to fit me in a new silken suit... Well actually there was one nice girl who worked in tailors who sorted me out with a new woolen coat and a new dark blue suit... all for the low low price of $70. Can't go too far wrong there... Even if the arse is likely to tear clean out of the suit the first time I tie my laces and I don't fancy standing too close to the tv in my coat as i'll quite possibly turn into a human inferno... Oh and when trying on my suit for size I neglected to remember that I would have to take off ym shorts... A decision to go commando had been made
prior in the day and htis did not stand me in good steed under these circumstances... I asked for a changing cubicle... a fair demand one would say... no sure there's a corner there for you to change in right on the shop floor... of course I have nothing to hide as you all well know(?) so I did what was correct... I hid in the corner and waited for no one to see me and then whipped the shorts down in record time before slipping on the new trousers... A close call indeed... It's excitement like that which keeps you on your toes in these countries you know!!
That was about it in Hoi An so we got another overnight sleeper bus to Nha Trang, on the coast south between here and Saigon. The bus cost $11 however the sleeper I was situated in was about 5 foot long with me being approximately 5 foot 8 inches long... Now I'm no fancy mathematician but lets do the maths!! 12 hours later we were in Nha Trang after the worst journey ever in the shortest coffin ever. Oh and Elaine is about 5 foot 5 inches tall and her
ed was about 8 foot long.. Now we could speak about this here in the public domain but I shall use my silence to speak a thousand curses on the little one!!!
Nha Trang has a nice beach, nice views, nice water and nice mountains around it... So looking at it was nice... The town was pretty westernized however with lots of bars and neon and the like so not great for the culturalists out there... Didn't mind it too much really... Had a few days on the beach, sipped some cold beers andtried to fend off the locals peddling books, lobster and other tripe on the beach... Being called a liar by a 5 year old little urchin should be outlawed in this country and capital punishment for cheeky 5 year olds should be re-introduced... Nha Trang is also where we were introduced to the "jam-jar". A simple tihng you may think... well fill a common jam jar full of whisky/rum/vodka and a mixer of choice, add a dash of ice and charge a quid or so to the patron and it can leave you in some terrible scrapes... We had a few nights in the Sailiing club
which was a fancy bar on the beach with banging music. Nice. We also went out to watch the last game of the season in a local bar called the Red Apple. Big screen, a few lads from Manchester/Ireland and the afformentioned jam jars made it a good night... As i walked eloquently home with my top hat and cane I was asked directions by some rather nice locals who I helped of course with my usual good charm and wit... Well this isn't really true. I got lashed and some local "ladies"tried ot nick my wallet on the way home whilst annoying Elaine to keep her away from me. Thankfully she was not under the influence of jam jar and was able to step in and beat of the devil women... She was a bit like a cross between a tornado and superwoman. Those ladies were sent packing by Miss Darmody and my wallet survived thank goodness...
Well it was pretty darn rainy for the last day or so in nha Trang so we decided to go to saigon for $9 on the sleeper bus again... Surely the same problem with the beds couldn't reappear... Wrong!! Same old
I'm not scared at all!!
Note the annoying omnipresent child with Elaine lying in what appeared to be a 4-poster compared to mine... I'm not a religious man but seriously what have I done to deserve such pain in my body?? Answer me!! 8 hours or so later we got ot saigon at 5 am and looked for a room to stay in. They were all pretty expensive at a pricey $12 or so so we decanted to a cafe for breakfast and discussions on the way forward... As Elaine had already lived it up in saigon on the way to Hanoi we decided to go straight to the Mekong Delta instad of hanging round saigon which is really just a big city... No loss I reckon and I can always steal the pictures off the internet and lie that I was there can't I??
So it was off to the Mekong Delta for us...
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