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Published: March 2nd 2014
Reclining Buddha
above Chua Long So'n PagodaBoth Matt and I have experienced some culture shock and have undergone our individual frustrations and struggles while traveling in Asia. The biggest one for us both has been adapting to a radically different concept of privacy and personal space. In all of the countries we've visited so far extended families live together to at least some degree and the idea of privacy, or even the desire or necessity for it, seems to be somewhat nonexistent. Wherever we stay people comment on our comings and goings, what time we go to bed, what time we rise, what we eat and when, what we buy etc. This is done in an open and matter-of-fact way and things that we would never discuss with friends at home are dinner conversation here.
We're asked personal questions as soon as we meet someone. At first we were taken aback at the abrupt delivery but we have since learned to take no offence (or at least check our immediate emotional reactions before replying.)
In the west we generally contextualize people by their class and so we ask questions about what people do, where they went to school and where they live. But in Asia
Seated Buddha
at Chua Long So'n Pagoda. Seven monks who self-imolated in protest against war are interred here, and their images are depicted around the base. when someone wants to figure out who you are they ask questions about your family. The first thing that they generally ask is
Are you married? rapidly followed by
Do you have children? The first time this happened we had just arrived in Sri Lanka and a random woman stopped us on the street. We replied
Yes, we're married and
No, we don't have children. Without batting an eye she asked
Why not? We sputtered a bit trying to figure out how to explain in broken English to a perfect stranger why we were childless. I guess she got tired of waiting because she just patted my arm and said
Maybe soon. Then she smiled patiently at me and walked off.
The second person that asked us was Ashan, as we were walking along some railroad tracks. We told him we were married and he said he was surprised as he thought most western people didn't get married anymore. Next the inevitable question of children came up. We felt a little more comfortable with Ashan as we actually knew him but it was still an awkward conversation. He listened patiently to our explanations, nodding and indicating he followed
Shrine to Kali
at Chua Long So'n Pagoda what we were saying. But then, after our long and complicated story, he just turned to me and asked Why don't you like children?
Okaaay.
From then on we decided that when asked about kids we'd adopt a pained expression to discourage further questions. Strangers do seem to back down a little bit in the face of a possible problem. Invariably they still say something like
later, later and we've just taken to nodding and smiling.
In Bali we became friendly with our taxi driver Salit and he asked us all sorts of questions about our parents, siblings and extended family. When we told him we'd sold our house prior to the trip he commented about how westerners move often and many times far away from their families. He was clearly confused by this practice. In Bali, large extended families live together in compounds, and often parents and kids all sleep together in one big communal bed.
Is this your first visit? How long are you staying? Do you like it? Is it beautiful? Will you come back? Everyone we have met and continue to meet asks these questions but we have also learned
Relief with Glass Tiles
at Chua Long So'n Pagoda to be cautious, because touts and tour guide operators will walk right up to you in the street and start barking them at you as a way to lure you in. People ask us what we are paying for rent or for hotel rooms. In fact a lot of questions centre around what we have paid for certain items. In Vietnam other women seem really curious about my age. They comment on my looks too: my nose, my body. A lot of these questions and comments would have really offended me in the past but I'm learning to let them slide off my back.
Everything seems easier now that we moved into our little rental house in Hoi An. It took some doing to find the kind of place we wanted, most places we looked at involved living with a family to some degree. Whenever we asked someone if they knew about an apartment or house rental they would direct us to a home stay, which is often a room in someone's house. We also found a couple of separate structures built in a family compound which offered a little more privacy, but not nearly enough. Homestays can be
good, we stayed in a eat-off-the-floor spotless one in Nha Trang with a beautiful family, but anything more than a week and we're both antsy for a space where we can relax into our own western habits. Navigating in a foreign language and foreign culture all day is hard work!
I can't tell you how much fun it is to turn on CBC radio and listen to "As it Happens" or "Ideas" or "Q". After three months away, a little taste of home is sweet.
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Joe Steyn
non-member comment
And so why don't you have children? :-)
Our reply is normally that we have a dog instead and that the global population is now over 7B and we don't need to add some more, but that won't work in that part of the world. Coming from Africa I'm familiar with the concept of extended families where children (many-many) are seen as wealth. Anyway that is the pleasure of travelling in interesting cultures - sounds like you found a nice place now. Here we have more snow and rain - miss you guys. Joe