Sleeper

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Hi,

From Mui Ne we travelled by coach to Nah Trang, a slightly larger town situated further up the coastline. We weren't suprised to find a beautiful beach there and the place had a similar kind of vibe to it. Couple of hippies/surfer types and other beach-goers of a similar vein. We were pretty stressed out from the crazy amount of hours we had built up in coaches, taxi's, moto's and bicycles - so we took the rational option and decided to go for a mud bath.

When in Rome.

We were asked to take a shower before entering the baths and we stood beneath a massive power-shower blasting water from numerous downward facing hoses. I got a pretty nice shower of it, but both me and Rich were fairly certain that his would eventually sever his spine through its sheer brutality. He stood under the shower long enough to be considered acceptably clean and then we proceeded down stairs that would make a British safety inspector soil himself with utter disbelief and compressed rage.

The baths were filling up when we reached our "tub". It looked as though a large pipe had been attached to the bottom of the riverbed and was now running freely to create a lukewarm health-bath. I gave it a quick scan for any stray fecal matter and then cautiously stepped in. I was pleased to discover no immediate sightings of swamp creatures - no crocodiles or anything else of a concerning nature. It was a fairly surreal experience and also exactly what we should have expected.

"Well, here we are sitting in some mud...............................so.......that's about it then."

After a short time the wind changed and the mud on my face froze my expression. No that's not true, I was just trying to add some substance to that absurd wives-tale. Anyway, we were sifted through several more of the initial "mineral showers" carefully shaped into different stone constructions to keep your attention away from the simplicity of the whole thing...then we arrived, much cleaner than before in the hot bath section. This was actually pretty incredible. We've been pretty gross to smell, look at, touch or speak to for about the last 6 weeks. Personal hygiene has officially hit an all time low and several of our clothes will probably have to be burnt clean. That said, to be able to feel sand free for even just a little while was a treat. The experience finished sitting under a waterfall discussing the deeper meanings interwoven into the fabric of Peter Andre's 'Mysterious Girl'.

After Nah Trang it was always our intention to head back down to Ho Chi Minh City and then fly to Hanoi in the North of Vietnam. We had our concerns about the journey for several reasons. Firstly - we had been told the people of the North weren't quite as welcoming as those in the south. I imagined this to be mostly fabrication... but we were traveling with an American so I did consider that perhaps we had something to worry about...and secondly... we would be traveling for at least 20 hours non-stop. Fitting my legs into the seats here is like trying to get a couch through the front door.

"Left...left...twist it downwards, wait, wait wait...you're going to break it! Look, just...just put it down and we'll try again from the other side."

The only difference here is that once you get a new couch into your living room it feels comfy...

The mode of transport we decided on was eerily entitled "The Sleeper Bus", which would take us from Nah Trang back to Ho Chi Minh City. I was admittedly a little hesitant to accept the offer on the account of the bus sounding like the title of a 80's Sci-Fi Horror Movie. I took the time to ask all the important questions before signing my life away:

"Is the implied "Sleeping" in the name of the bus self-induced or will men in white suits "Administer the appropriate treatment" or anything to that effect?"

"If I opt to remain conscious for the entire journey am I likely to encounter anything particularly out-of-the-ordinary or other-worldly in anyway?"

"If the bus speed exceeds 50 miles an hour will anything be brought into effect to prevent the bus from ever slowing down?"

And finally:

"Can you guarantee that at no point during my slumber that no-body/creature will attempt to harvest my organs for beer money/sustenance?"

Contented by the tour operators responses I double checked the fine print for flag words such as "undead", "zombification", "mummification" and "VAT not included in price" and then signed my name. I then happily handed the card back to the small Vietnamese man over the counter and left the building. Several moments later I began to have serious doubts...about what I couldn't quite put my finger on. The bus came to pick us up at 8pm and as it veered around the corner it suddenly became all too clear. I glanced around the other customers - they looked like veteran Sleeper Bus travelers, all Vietnamese bar a few western travelers... all with one thing in common - they were small.

I lumbered up the stairs and climbed the ladder to my bunk, which was situated in the exact center of the coach. It looked exactly like the torpedo bay of a submarine. I attempted on many occasions to load myself into the plastic hatch - designed so that your feet slide beneath the head of the "Sleeper" in front of you. It was hopeless, it was like a fully grown man attempting to ride one of those 20p Bob the Builder rides that rock back and forth outside of shops playing irritating music. It took me 15 minutes before I finally crushed my feet into place, possibly snapping several ligaments in the process and fracturing numerous bones. I instantly began to panic. It felt a little like I was the focus of a Submarine funeral, laying rigid in a plastic coffin ready to be fired majestically into the ocean for one final voyage. After suffering for several minutes in considerable pain I had a quick check for an eject button...or at the very least a firing mechanism. No such luck...I would have to ride it out.

To my right, Rich didn't even have the luxury of a torpedo tube for his legs. He sat like Gandalf in a hobbit house. I tried to keep myself from laughing, and then the coach started and within seconds the anti-suspension tyres had sent his head knocking against the ceiling twice. We looked at each other briefly and said almost in unison:

"Well...good job we're not on this coach for the next 8 hours."

Our awkward, dying laughs were drowned out by the sudden eruption of a hideous snore. I turned around and in my disgust saw that directly behind me a short but portly Vietnamese man had placed himself in an obscene (potentially seductive) position and was shamelessly belting out one of the worst noises a human being can possibly make. His jaw was slack open, head tilted back with all the grace of a sea monster, jowls shuddering with every quake. There was a Chinese guy about our age on the bed next to him; he was doubled over crying with laughter. A few hours later...he was only crying.

The fat man continued his relentless assault for six hours straight. I found occasional relief for my feet by crushing them through the “storage holes” conveniently inserted for the Sleeper in front to keep any excess luggage in. Fat chance - that was my only leg room! Fortunately there wasn’t anyone in front for the first stint. Rich dosed off for a few minutes occasionally. There was one occasion he woke up when the uneven road had completed its usual routine of firing potholes up through the cheap suspension into the backs of our heads - he turned over and knocked his sunglasses to the ground. He shouted “No!!” a little too loudly causing several of the sleeping passengers to stir. There was one passenger who didn’t hear a thing.

I took pity on the Chinese guy next to Sleeping Beauty and gave him my last pair of ear plugs. He was asleep in minutes.

Many, many painful hours later we arrived in Ho Chi Minh City and caught the flight to Hanoi. From here we transferred onto the comfiest coach we had seen in Asia. Unfortunately this only took us as far as the actual bus station, where we bought an extortionate ticket and were bundled onto the absolute worst piece of crap coach we had seen in Asia.

It was ACTUALLY a mini-bus and was initially filled with just 8 people - half its seating capacity. We began to move and all was going well until we stopped at some traffic lights and one of the coach operators got out. It took us a while to realize that he was actually going round trying to find more customers to go to Halong Bay - our next destination. He was trying to sell tickets whilst we were stuck in a traffic light! It was ridiculous. This happened every time we stopped, which happened to be every 5 minutes or so. Whenever we passed a bus stop, or a tree stump, or a huddle of people, or a wealthy looking rodent - we stopped. The man got out and tried to sell tickets. Our expected 4 hour journey ended up taking at least 6 hours, which included a drop off point at the side of a Vietnamese motorway. I thought about losing my cool at this point and demand that we get taken to Halong Bay - I had seen the pictures and I’m pretty sure busy traffic didn’t feature. He pointed roughly in the direction of some moto drivers and helped us get our bags off the back. In the end there wasn’t much we could do.

The lead moto driver approached me, and in an old swashbuckling voice muttered:

“Enjoy the Dunes, lad?”
“What?”
“Yees. You want a ride to Halong Bay?”
“Yes. How much?”
“Did I happen to mention that “The Bay of Skulls” is just around the corner from here …there is an old riddle that speaks of…
“Please…please. Just take us to Halong Bay.”

We awkwardly positioned ourselves on the backs of these tiny bikes with enormous packs weighing us down at the back. I even had a guitar to carry. Still, I thought we were going to be alright until I realized where he was taking us. Starting the engine, we began to travel at speed, in the dark on the wrong side of the road down the entrance to the highway. All my concentration was spent on leaning the opposite way he turned to keep the bike from tipping over. There was many occasion where I thought my legs might buckle under the pull of my backpack and send me skipping like an upturned turtle into the side of the road.

All that said, we arrived safely and booked into a pretty comfortable room for the night. The following day we were set to visit Halong Bay by boat trip and spend the night on the water. Exciting times.

I just took out a mosquito.

Many thanks for the feedback and messages,

Chris

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