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Published: April 19th 2007
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Out of the fifty or so seats on the bus, only two are above the wheels. I was in one of them. Things wouldn't have been quite so bad had the girl in front not insisted on reclining her seat fully, so that my legs physically (and I'm not joking) didn't fit in the space intended for them. Nick suffered the same torment. Twelve hours later I couldn't feel my feet, and at 6.00am, tired and delusional after the journey we followed a tout to his guest house.
Nha Trang - described as the "Miami of Viet Nam" rates as my favorite place we stayed in Viet Nam, possibly our whole trip. It wasn't that the town was aesthetically pleasing (it wasn't), or the people were any more friendly, I just had a really good time. Nha Trang is the dive centre of Viet Nam and we signed ourselves up straight away for a four day PADI open water course with the prestigious "Rainbow Divers" in order to become certified.
The course started out with two days watching videos and learning how to dive in the local swimming pool. Zander turned the poolside into what looked like a
murder scene when he slipped on the tiles, gashing open his already grazed arm sending blood everywhere. Things really got good though on the last two days when we hit the open water. It was like one of those wildlife documentaries - clear water, coral reef, tropical fish, it was brilliant. We completed all our skills no problem and had a great explore of the underwater world. We were certified. Our instructor Gaz was a bit of a bastard, but he taught us well and we're grateful.
The other great thing about Nha Trang was the nightlife. Bars were plentiful, beer was cheap, and "buckets" were cheaper. These consisted of a large jar filled with ice and any numerous combination of alcohol and chemicals. They costed about 60p. This meant that at no one time were any of us sober after dark. We hung out at the Red Sun bar where I established myself on the table football table, unbeaten. We met up with the Chiswick girls and hit the town, ending up at the famous Sailing Club bar, which extends onto the beach. "Lets go skinny dipping" Nick suggested. Finding a more secluded spot we ditched our clothes
and ran free into the warm ocean.
Going home at night required running the gauntlet that was the 100m alley to our guest house. On our first night, returning home alone I was accosted by a woman on a motorbike who zoomed down the alley and blocked my path. "Blowjob, blowjob" she whispered. "No" I replied and ran around her. Not to be deterred she got off her bike and grabbed me by the arm. "Blowjob, cheap cheap!". "No, leave me alone". "Why not?". I was amazed at her refusal to take no for an answer. "Because I have a girlfriend" I lied. "Where is she?". "Inside". By this point I was banging on the guest house shutters (which we were told "never closed") for them to let me in. No one came. I peeked in through the tiny letter box - inside was the night man trying to sleep on the sofa. I was looking him in the eye. "Hello, please let me in, I'm staying here". He briefly raised his head then decided to go back to sleep. The prostitute had given up by now, but I was banging loudly on the shutters. I dangled my room
key in through the letter box to maybe clarify the situation. He looked up but still no response, minutes of banging passed. Now I started banging really hard. I had to shout. Finally he raised his head again, pressed a button on a remote (he didn't even have to move) and the shutters opened. We spent the following nights at another guest house.
Unfortunately on the last night we were accosted again. Our new guest house was also located around the courtyard at the end of the same alley. Ross, having gone for a late night dip in the sea and having had maybe one too many buckets was being led home from the Sailing Club by myself and Nick. I was also in possession of Ross' shorts (he had swimming shorts as well), which I had draped over his bag which I was also carrying. I was also not quite sober so to speak, so my memory isn't perfect, but as I recall - two motorbikes armed with four prostitutes races down the alley and blocked our path. We actively avoided them but they were aggressive. "Back off, back off" Nick shouted, adopting a ninja like pose. We
attempted to avoid them and get home as quickly as possible, but in the confusion they snatched Ross' shorts. Wallet and Ipod were gone. This was our first (and as yet only) incident we've had traveling and hopefully the last.
We didn't let the experience taint our stay in Nha Trang however, and the next day we had a long relax on the beach before heading off to Sai Gon. The beach was just as good as in Hoi An (although here there were ugly concrete tower blocks behind us), and the same sellers pestering us nonstop to buy their fruit. They were so relentless that on more than one occasion they would wake up one us who was sleeping, despite the others telling them to go away. We built a giant pyramid out of sand so great and so large it was a marvel of modern engineering. It was not uncommon for people who looked at this, an object of such beauty and awe, to beg us to gouge out their eyes lest they ever look at something less attractive (which is to say - anything) ever again. While basking in the sense of our achievement, we were
suddenly and rudely invaded by a swarm of local children, the menace of the Earth. Within the space of about 20 seconds they came, they destroyed and they left. Humanity can be so cruel. Our future attempts at beach remodeling would be focused downwards, in an attempt to be child proof. Alas such an attempt was not windproof and turned into a battle against the elements that could never be won. The underground route to South America would sadly never be realised.
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