Ha Long Bay

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At 7.30 the staff from the hostel brought us up an omelette, bread, jam and coffee for breakfast in our rooms to kick us off for our early start to Ha Long Bay! Needless to say I was excessively excited but knew I should expect the Caspar and Cat experience rather than the Mum and Dad experience of the trip (one being a student budget level tour and one being booked by my Dad through Trailfinders, I believe). The minibus that arrived to pick us up was a slightly battered old transit but it did arrive in the 8-8.30 window as promised. After paying the remainder of the balance, our rather awkward guide who spoke very little English, asked us all to introduce ourselves by standing at the front of the bus. Needless too say, given the mad overtaking manoeuvres our driver was attempting we all stayed seated. Of the bus, the majority of people were from England and Wales with the exception of a newly wed Indian couple. There were a group of 3 Welsh lads and a Liverpudlian girl who although seeming quite laddish, were quite friendly. It was a 4 hour drive to Halong City where we were to catch our boat, so there was the rather predictable stop in an overpriced tourist shop. The shipping cost was only $5 a kilo though, but there was nothing that we thought we wouldn't prefer to buy in Hoi Ann.

After a rather bumpy ride we arrived at Halong Harbour and were given a ticket to enter the Surprise Cave and exit the ferry port. We then were rushed to the pontoon only to stand and wait for an hour and fifteen minutes as all other boats left. Our group from the minibus having just began to get to know each other was separated onto 2 boats. We were initially a bit worried as we and the older Indian couple were the only members of our party who were staying overnight but we were informed that there would be more people joining our boat later. After a couple of heated arguments with the guide about where the hey was our boat, we finally got on-board.

The boat itself was great, and had been nicely laid out for lunch which by this point we were all eager to dig into. When lunch eventually appeared it was worth the wait, with grilled fish, mixed vegetables, and chicken and rice with a kiwi like fruit for afters. There was the issue of a small bottle of water costing a quid which had been promised to us for free, but arguing got us nowhere but more angry. We then sailed along the bay to visit the Surprise Cave which knocked the Batu Caves out of the water.

The huge limestone caves had been lit by multi-coloured lights which cleverly illuminated the stalagmite and stalactite formations around the cavern. Seeing most guides were pointing out formations and jabbering away we thought we would linger to see if our rather useless guide would show up. Eventually he appeared to point out the fallen dragon formation behind the legend of the formation of Ha Long Bay and then a phallic formation as well as a giant lucky boob which the locals drink the running water or “milk” off of for good luck. Hmmn.

Then we headed through the spectacular stacks of the bay to an open bay where we were given double kayaks. Now having done quite a lot of kayaking with Mr Dunn at Bishop, I think it would have suited both mine and Andrew's need to lead to have had separate kayaks, but we managed to paddle together and race about the bay even if we occasionally went in circles due to disagreements as top how best to turn a kayak.

Our boat party then separated into those who were staying on the boat overnight and those who were going back to Halong City. We then lucked out. Our party was joined by three lovely Scots, (Ross, Robby and Chirs) and a lovely Mexican called Benjamin. The Scots knew each other from school and one of them was from Aberdeen leading to an interesting discussing of why brother Angus likes the Deen so much. We then had a swim about and some people conquered their fear of heights and jumped from the top of the boat. I however jumped from the lower deck as the closest thing to a dive my Dad ever managed to teach me is the bomb.

After lounging on the sun deck with a beer, dinner was served. Even better than lunch, the food consisted of noodle soup, spring rolls, satay, fish and veg and clams and fresh pineapple. We whiled away a great evening playing cards with my highly amusing Saucy Seaside Deck (thanks Smelly), and I taught them the 2 most inappropriately named card games I know. When we played poker hands in President £$%hole the Scots ran downstairs to put on their suits from Hoi Ann. These were purple and green with embroidered dragons all over them. Ridiculous but pretty amazing at the same time. The sunset and ful moon over the bay were stunning and more than made up for our rubbish minibus ride and delay at the pontoon. We headed down to our cabin which was actually nice and clean with good hot water, and slept straight through until...

At 7.30 we were rudely awakened by loud banging on the door and a door bell I didn't know we had with the words “wake up my friend breakfast” before more banging. After having told him not to bother waking us up for breakfast yesterday we were quite annoyed but nevertheless got up to eat if not enjoy, cold fried eggs and stale bred. Yum. After being kicked out of our rooms very shortly after so that they could be cleaned, we dropped the Scots off on Cat Ba Island as they were on a 3 day tour. We said our goodbyes and headed up to the top deck where I picked the brains of the two Chilean Girls about where we should go in Santiago and what we should eat. The lazy float back was ideal.

When we got back to the pontoon instead of being met by a minibus, we were made to walk out of the complex and our guide flagged down a random minibus which was already nearly full and began to pile our bags in. As I began to do my “no way” routine, he said it was only a five minute drive and otherwise we would have to wait half an hour for our driver. Gritting our teeth we crammed ourselves into the van and luckily for once, our guide was true to his word.

The lunch itself in a restaurant in Halong City was the best oif the whole trip. The fish was delicious, the rice and meat soup likewise and there was plenty of it. WE then got an even worse minibus where we had to sit on fold down seats until I complained and got to swap with a driver's friends and we got intent a heated dispute about the fact that unlike their promise, they would not drop us at the train station and we would have to get a taxi.

Lessons learnt about Ha Long Bay tours:

1. Unexpect the expected

There were numerous things that we had promised that turned out not to be the case. Firstly that we would have free water on-board Secondly, there would be only 15 of us on the bus and thirdly that we would have a cooking lesson on the boat. None of these turned out to be the case and the fact I had them written on my receipt made a blind bit of difference to our guide who refused to call our tour agent to confirm that we needn't pay £1 for a bottle of water. At first I was my usual angry and complaining self about being lied to. I then realised that compared to the Indian couple who had paid over $250 each for the same boat I had little to complain about and that at the end of the day we were on the boat we were promised and had a good amount of food for lunch. A lousy minibus and expensive water should not mean that our experience was any less brilliant. We were in Ha Long Bay, on a boat, and if I allowed myself to relax and go with it (a very Egyptian and as it turns out Vietnamese attitude) I would not be dissapointed.

2. If a large seat on a minibus is cleared for a random woman, sit in it before she does

On our return to Hanoi, Andrew and I were left with flap down seats in a cramped mini-bus for 3 hours. Uncomfortable does not cover it. The bus stopped at a junction to pick up a random woman and her child who sat on the guide's knee. Our bags which could not be moved to enable us to sit, were then moved for the woman to sit upon. Before anyone could say anything, I plonked myself down in her seat and offered her mine. The driver looked rather cross, but I had paid for a seat and I damned sure was going to get one.

3. Don't buy anything from the tourist trap stops

The stops set up along the way are massive tourist traps with prices up to 4 times higher than at the markets. If you buy cheap beer here however, there is a corkage charge of £1 per beer which is double the price of buying the beer on the boat. The lesson to be learnt is save the souvenir shopping for later, and buy your beer on-board or drink it in the water where you will not be charged for drinking it.

3. Your “tour guide” is not a guide as you understand it. Let the backdrop speak for itself

Most guides we met on the tours in Halong Bay did not give us any information whatsoever. They were more escorts (in the non sexual meaning) than guides. The only place I would have enjoyed some more information was at the Surprise Cave where our guide was only able to point out phallic objects rather than tell me about the cave's formation. The cave was beautiful and although the geographer in me would love to know more about the geology of the area, the cave spoke for itself and the beautiful cave was far more inspiring than the rubbish our guide was sprouting. You don't need a guide for Ha Long Bay, so don't worry if yours, like ours is a pain in the arse who speaks little English other than the word “money” or “no outside beer.”

5. Complaining to your tour guide will make no difference, so sit back, enjoy it and don't bother

Now I am all up for complaining when what you have not received what you order whether it be in restaurants or hotels or on a tour, but given the fact that your “tour guide” will speak less English than the random woman in a boat trying to see you beer, complaining to him will do very little. He won't understand you. Far better to enjoy the scenery and remember that at the end of the day, you wouldn't have got a meal for under $50 in London let alone a night on a boat.

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