Phuket to Bangkok - Bangkok dangerous(ly close to home)

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Wednesday, 15th September
I had a dream I wet the bed. I woke up and it was raining. Were the two connected? Either way, b*ll*cks it's our raining. What do you do when you come to a place solely for its beach?

Start with a huge Irish breakfast that bulged out of our stomachs for several hours. That took an hour and left another 14. I 100%!b(MISSING)elieve you shouldn't wish your life away but this rain's going nowhere. Perhaps not 100%!t(MISSING)hen. We took a walk to a large covered market - mostly full of the cr*p we didn't want yesterday but with twice the pushiness. It's true that Thais have no common sense, watching us for 2 seconds and any singular functioning brain cell would fathom that the hard sell tightens our sphincters and has us running for the hills.

We happened upon a DVD stall. And then got escorted to the back room. A veritable feast of all the movies we've missed whilst we were freezing our t*ts off in the Bolivian mountains. All kinds of porn too; all tastes catered for - even the ones that you would laugh at before being aroused by. We settled for Toy Story 3 and another 4 recent things all for less than the breakfast this morning which is now repeating itself more than Dave, Gold and Five USA put together.

We watched Toy Story - we've been itching to since Lima. Every video comes with subtitles, the Thais are supremely deaf conscious. For a deaf man the film would have been very different. Now remember this is aimed at children. At one point Buzz said "target on approach." Thai subtitles - "hurry up old sh*t." Not since I watched Narnia in 2006 in Malaysia has my jaw dropped below my testicular level (that one had something about molesting in it).

Somehow we got through the endless seconds to the evening where we went to visit Sam and Laura in Patong. The place is so much bigger and busier than Karon. We took a walk through the bustling crowds along the boardwalk which itself is really just a big market with the same old cr*p as everywhere else. The prices start high but can so much as quarter. It really p*sses Sam off and it's funny to watch his blood boil. Gotta be careful we don't wanna end up in a Nha Trang situation again.

The marketeers mostly seem to be Indian with some sort of neurological problem where they can only end a sentence with "boss, mate or buddy." I saw a guy with a t-shirt that said 'bad guys don't go to hell, they go to Patong.' Replace bad guys with the c word and never was a truer word said. We decided not to take Hayley up to Banglu Street for fear of corrupting her innocent little mind. The level of debauchery just goes beyond anything I've ever seen. I came here four years ago and still can't put that man's boobs out of my mind.

People tell you they are coming here, shun them for me.

Thursday, 16th September
Everybody talks about the calm before the storm, nobody really mentions how unbelievable the weather is after it. The blistering heat has brought the holidaymakers out in their droves but there is still plenty of space for us to get set up on the loungers. Shouldn't all these kids be at school? Goes some way to explaining why theyr're all hitting themselves in the head with their spades and running into palm trees.

Sam and Laura came to visit us this time. They'd hired mopeds so Sam and I went for a little spin. F**k me we got this thing up to 80km/h without it exploding. With the roads here pockmarked like a teenager's skin my nutsack was a little worse for wear.

Not a lot else to say about the beach, so why not a discussion of the old man and the Thai. On the face of it it might seem a little weird; an older man with a younger woman that he wouldn't be able to get back home anymore. From our limited experience the whole thing appears to lack superficiality (is that a word? It should be) which takes away any sleaze out of it. From the female side it seems that it's enough to be just taken care of in return for the love they give. Sheffield Dave can't speak highly enough of a woman who doesn't give him hassle - he grew up in the North and has the rolling pin scars to prove it. Whatever the underlying motives are, it's two people happy. No expectations, no yearning for equality. It's old fashioned almost.

Friday, 17th September
Life's a beach.

Saturday, 18th September
Spent the day slapping my beach up.

Sunday, 19th September
Beach my man ain't your baby's daddy. Okay this is getting silly.

Monday, 20th September
Unbelievable. Four days of sunshine in a row. We spent more time at the beach, notable today because a guy had to be rescued from the sea. The dozey tw*t was swimming in between the red flags clearly marked NO SWIMMING. The rips here kill a few people a year I think. Dozey tw*t.

The best thing was his swimmers were pants. He milked the embarrassment. He is still a dozey tw*t.

Tuesday, 21st September
Beaches Geldof? Does that work?

Wednesday, 22nd September
We have literally read all of the books in the guesthouse. I still love playing in the sea, that never gets boring.

Thursday, 23rd September
Yet another potential drowner. Swimming in the F**K. ING. RED. ZONE. Idiot. This one completely ignored his missus as he was brought to safety, visibly embarrassed and just wanted to bury himself. I'd have done it for him.

Why is everybody who nearly drowns backwards?

Friday, 24th September
Sh*t. Just two days left.

Saturday, 25th September
Sh*t. Just one day left. We took a much more uneventful bus home to Bangkok. Last night and then home.

Sunday, 26th September
Home. Home on the range. Much like South America I'll end it with the lists:

5 Favourite sites:
1. The Bayon at Angkor Wat.
2. Trekking through Chiang Mai.
3. Sailing through the Thousand Islands of Ha Long.
4. The Royal Tombs at Hue.
5. Sukhothai National Park.

5 Things we won't miss:
1. A thousand mopeds making the hair of my balls stand on end.
2. Having to say "no, I don't want your cr*p" over and over to the same person.
3. Armpit buses.
4. Animals being gutted in the street during meal times.
5. The Vietnamese.

5 Funniest moments:
1. The homophobia of the charcoal game in Chiang Mai.
2. Bob getting rope burn on his bald head in Chiang Mai.
3. Dogs humping and getting stuck.
4. A beautiful lady with a voice deeper than Vin Diesel.
5. Little pants boy lying flat on his back after being rescued.

And so to the end. What have I learnt after 6 months?

...if Hayley and I can get through that we'll get through anything.

Thanks.

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