Phuket

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Before I get into my adventures in Thailand allow me a moment to talk my shit. Please know that I'm writing with dead brain cells and thus writing is prone to grammatical errors. So with that disclaimer please proceed!

After almost 2 days in Singapore I was all excited to get to one of the countries I had been anticipating the most; Thailand. Ever since American GI's "discovered" Thailand as a tourist destination in the 1960's, it has been steadily growing in popularity. I heard the stories of endless white sand beaches and all night full moon parties, and I'm looking forward to creating my own memories. My two days on the island of Phuket was dominated by the scooters we rented for 24 hours for 200 Thai Baht ($7).Yeah we! Fortunately I met 2 Germans at the airport who were travelling separately down under. I was asked to "split the taxt with them" LOLd and it ended up the 3 of us touring the islands. The scooters we rented were sort of like Vespa's and could reach speeds of up to 80 km/h. Which is why me being ran over by a speeding scooter kinda hurts while crossing at the right hand driven streets. The bruise pain is still fresh and the mark.
The first ten minutes driving through Patong scary as hell. After a very rudimentary lesson I got on the scooter and tried to accelerate slowly, but ended up shooting forward as my sandals dragged along the hot pavement. Then on one of our first turns, Philipp went a little too wide and came very close to crashing into a parked car.After the early scares we stopped to get something to eat, and tried to slow down our heartrates. After this break we seemed to get the hang of it and ended up having a lot of fun. The scooters also allowed us to see more of the island than we would have if we just rode in taxis. The other highlights of Phuket were the cuisine and our one night out there. After the surprising blandness of Indonesian food, the spices of Thailand were exactly what I desired. At the first place we ate in Thailand, me and Philipp were asked what percentage of spicy we would like. We both said 80% after some hesitation and posturing and we were both left with runny noses.

As for the nightlife it is surprisingly sparse in Patong. We had a couple beers and watched, "The Beach" with some people at our hostel, and then headed to the local Irish bar. Our time at this bar was spent almost entirely in competitions. We started with Jenga, which is EVERYWHERE in Southeast Asia, then moved to darts, then to pool, and finally to beer pong. We also met some cool British people and a South African guy during these competitions. The South African guy was particularly interesting as he had spent a year working in Canada and absolutely loved Canada. As soon as I told him I work for Safeway his eyes lit up and he basically spent the rest of the night ignoring his girlfriend and telling us how great Canada is. This made me realize just how good we have Safeway in Canada and was definitely one of the things I will remember most from my time in Phuket. Midnight we went to the Patongs red district. I was shocked, there's prostitution everywhere. Here's what offers you get when you walk at the red district:


1. Ping Pong Show
2. A Lady Prostitute
3. A Lady Boy Prostitute
4. A Thai massage
5. An Airport Taxi
6. Tuktok
7. A Suit! A Suit? Yeah! How weird!

We got to 4 Pingpong Shows. Only because we were choosy. The first was the performer was OLD. Gross! So we moved to this hippy bar where the dancers are 18 y/o and below. The performer was not quite old and made an amazing show. What can you put inside a Thai vagina?

1. 100 Flowers thrown to the audience
2. 50+ Extra Large sewing needles
3. A Live Bird
4. A Pingpong Ball squeezed out to the audience and
5. 4 Live Fish dropped swimming to the aquarium.

At a THB350 Heinekin for that show, it was really worth it! Philipp really wants a decent date that night. Harry and myself were just laughing as all he gets were lady boys! Amazing that they looked like a girl! Actually, they look better than a girl Out of the ordinary, while the 3 of us was staring at this lady looking at her neck, tracing adam's apple, or traces of surgery on her neck...nothing! Then we had a bet for Thb50. If she's a lady or a lady boy. She noticed we were checking her out so she walked towards us in the street and stripped naked in front of us. She's got the flower! We pulled a local thai asking if she's a dude! and he is...those were man-made flowers. Philipp was all over him! LOLd. To help you out. How to spot a lady boy?


1. If she stares at you. Normal girls won't unless you're really hot which is unlikely!
2. The Adam's Apple.
3. The Surgical line on her neck.
4. The broad shoulders
5. The height
6. The price! they usually are cheaper! LMAO!

Having that sorted out, we went to a decent club wearing boardshorts and flip flops. We got a coupon from a lady at the street for free entrance. Thai girls are complicated really! We saw 2 girls dancing... Philipp had to move first while Harry sat to the couch ordering Rhum Coke at THB50. He was dancing to the older girl then the older girl asked him to dance with her sister. So he did, but the younger sister wants to dance with me. But I danced with the older girl. Then the older girl asked for Phil's number through me, but I'm dancing with her. Her sister wants to dance with me, Phil wants to dance with the older but she ask her to dance with her sister. Then she asks for Phils number? I'm confused and yeah...we got her name! Pooh... I went back to my hotel ahead of them as I'm really drunk and sleepy.

Next day, what do you get when you're too sleepy and excited? Answer! Philipp's broken Spilled 50ML Emporio Armani Diamonds and a Kenneth Cole Black Perfume Bottle in my pocket! What is the perfume bottle doing on this scooter trip?! LOL We started exploring south, passing through beautiful cliffs, climbing hills and elephants on the road. First Stop was at Karon Beach. We were warned about the KILLER WAVES but what the hell. Its paradise for the surfers. This beach is my favorite. Powdery Sand and Bigger waves. Next was Kata beach, its more like Laguna beach in California. House in cliffs and fancy restaurants. The crowd is more mature in this area. We stopped for a crepe and a sight see on the half naked beach! Going down more, we reached the para gliding cliff. Harry was very adventurous and wanted to try this expensive sport.The cliff was dangerous but drop dead gorgeous. The waves slamming to the rocks forming white waters. We waited for 30 mins but it was almost sunset so Harry decided to give up.

The journey continues to the highest point of the Phuket Island. It was bushy green and beautiful overlooking all the beaches we've been into. From the top, my hotel stands out as the tallest in the whole island! Next thing afterwards we decided to go to the Biggest Buddha statue in Phuket. We were lost! All this time we saw ourselves looking at the head of the Buddha on top of a hill but we still missed the road to it. The key to get to a buddha! The road is where the buddha is facing. After the visit, we went down the hill. On the way back to Patong, it was raining hard. But yeah, we have a Pooh date so we have to hurry down to the city. Grabbed a quick dinner at a houselike resto for cheap THB80.

At Mcdonalds, no Pooh! After 45 minutes, we found out. There are 3 Mcdonalds around that Mall. Thai Girls are complicated! LOL We ended up spending the night talking about different types of drugs from mushrooms to frogs, weeds to the bohemian bars and jamaican bars with Brownies :P
Next day we travelled to Ko Phi Phi, (Pronounced Ko Pee Pee) my first thought was that it just might be the prettiest place I have ever been. All of the prerequisites are filled abundantly; gorgeous white sand beaches, surrounded by towering tropical mountains, and sunsets that light the sky on fire every single night. Like the Gili Islands motorized transport is banned in Phi Phi and the island seems to exist purely for the purpose of leisure. Our day in Ko Phi Phi were very relaxing and a solid introduction to the lifestyle of the Thai Islands. Our first realization after getting a room and heading to the beach, was that it was very hot. Not just the air, but the water was over 100 degrees and basically felt like a hot tub. This was a very strange experience and offered no refreshment whatsoever. Our second realization was that the water was very shallow for as far out as you could walk, and as a result you could not swim in it. The experience at this beach was to sit down in boiling hot water and cook until you couldn’t stand it anymore. All in all this was not very fun so we quickly left to head back to our lovely beachside bungalow ($10 each, or in Phuket terms, the price of 10 glass Rhum Cokes).

That night we had our first real experiences with two staples of island nightlife; buckets and fire games. The bucket is just that, a bucket filled with hard liquor, red bull, and some sort of pop. I got vodka and it came in a legitimate looking Smirnoff bottle, however, as soon as I tasted it I knew it was local stuff. That was fine though as it tasted alright and did the trick. Fire games are also just as they sound; normal games played with dangerous amounts of fire. One involves (drunk) tourists jumping through a hoop of fire, while another involves a skipping rope that is completely on fire. Harry, with his buckets of liquid confidence, was the only one who tried the games on this night. He performed admirably, although the fire did catch him a little as he tried to exit the skipping game. Some other tourists were not as lucky and ended up being hit directly by the rope. Everyone seemed able to laugh it off though and continue drinking.

The next day was spent lying around the beach and recovering from the gut rut that local Thai liquor gives you. We also booked a trip for the next day to Maya Bay which is where they filmed the movie, “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio. Being a brother of a Leo fan since the 90’s I was pumped to see this spot and for the side trip to a place called monkey beach that was also included. The trip was on a longtail boat with about 10 other people. A longtail boat is a long and skinny Thai boat that has a long pole at the back with the motor at the end of the pole. The boat is designed this way so that it can be easily steered in shallow and rocky waters. After some snorkeling stops and a disappointing stop on monkey beach we arrived at, “The Beach.” Words don’t really do the place justice so I suggest just checking out the below pictures. All I can say is that the lagoon like beach is one of the most stunning natural landscapes I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately it poured rain most of the time we were there and there were no Dicaprio sightings. The only bad news from Ko Phi Phi was that Harry lost his camera. This is bad news for the following reasons:

1. Harry definitely had the best camera of the three of us. It was both waterproof and shockproof.
2. Harry's girlfriend bought this camera for him. Alex, I can say firsthand that Harry feels terrible about losing this.
3. Harry participated in a three day scuba diving course one week after losing his camera.

The underwater pictures that he would have snapped on this course would have been amazing. They could have sent my blog view numbers into the stratosphere. Next up will be Ko Phangan and our epic adventures at the Full Moon Party. P.S. The best pictures we had of "The Beach" were on Harry's camera. I apologize for building up the hype and then not delivering. Full Moon Party. In the 25 years since 20 backpackers held the first full moon party on Koh Phangan it has grown wildly in size and reputation. Held on the night of the full moon each month, it now attracts up to 25000 people to a single beach for a night of absolute mayhem.
Koh Phangan is where Thailand lets everything hang out and where backpackers go to party all night long. More importantly, attending a full moon party was one of my ten goals for this trip. Which all adds up to finding ourselves on a boat pulling up to Koh Phangan on May 19th the night before the party. Little did we know that there would be no calm before the storm. Some people call it, “Full Moon Week” and party just as hard in the days preceding the big night. Lets just say that after the shenanigans of the 20th we were not all reunited until 4 P.M. the afternoon of the full moon party. Luckily for us we had met some Aussie girls on the ferry to Koh Phangan and were able to hang out at their amazing hotel (Great pool) and get some relaxation time in. Soon enough though it was time to head back to our hostel and get decked out for the full moon party. Getting decked out basically means taking your shirt off and throwing brightly coloured paint all over your upper body. Some Swedish girls at our hostel went all out and spent like 3 hours painting themselves almost entirely blue to look like Avatar characters. We did not have the time to do something like this so here is what the three of us went with:

I, waxed my hair up and added white face paint in my cheek. Harry: Wu Tang written on the stomach, lots of flashy lines and designs on the arms. Philipp: Wrote “Full”on one arm and “Moon”on the other. Messed up the order and this ended up being interpreted as “Moon Full" by most people. Harry, saw a Swedish guy that looked like his body was an abstract art canvas. Got this Swedish guy to spray paint all over him.

The party itself was pretty unreal and definitely the biggest party I have ever been to. Our goal from the beginning was to make it to sunrise but this became difficult after our decision to start drinking at 9 P.M. Philipp started getting “the spins”at 3:30 A.M. and he made the mature decision to leave the party. As he was leaving he noticed Harry sitting on the beach by himself with his head in his hands. He decided it was probably time for Harry to leave too, so they headed to the hostel both convinced they would take a short nap and then return to the party. When I got to our place at 4:30 A.M. I found Harry sleeping on our porch’s hammock and Philipp sleeping on a plastic chair outside the door. Keep in mind they both had keys to the two rooms we were renting, and there were three empty beds inside these rooms. Their logic was that if they didn’t sleep in beds they would be forced to wake up at some point and return to the party. I woke up a groggy Philipp and convinced him to open the door for me and come inside. Harry woke up in the hammock when the sun came up. He did not return to the party. We spent chilling at the nice hotel’s pool and doing activities. Phil and Harry received a Muay Thai (Thai boxing) lesson but I wasn’t feeling well so I did not participate.

All three of us also rented jet skis for fifteen minutes and ripped it up in the bay at high speeds. We also spent a lot of time chilling in our amazing ocean-view hammocks and doing a lot of reading/writing. One other story worth telling was the BBQ dinner we had the night after the full moon party. These three Thai women (Maybe mid thirties) walked by our bungalow and said, “Come to the BBQ.” We were hungry so we followed them only to find out that, “The BBQ” was going to be the three of them cooking kebabs on their porch with a mini Hibachi.Their leaders name was Sue and she was more than a little bit crazy. She regaled us with tales of her hunting adventures and then showed us the big blade that she carries with her. They also couldn’t understand how to say “Philipp” so they just decided to call him “Donut”. This is because he was introduced right after Harry Duncan, and they said, “Dunkin Donuts” to describe the two of them. This has become an ongoing joke as “Donut”is probably the best fat kid nickname of all time.

The food they made was great but it started getting uncomfortable when they began to subtly hit on us. They wanted us to continue to drink with them but luckily we had made plans to meet up with other people, and were able to get out of there after thanking them for the food. I left Koh Phangan after a night a little bit older and a little bit dumber (Dead brain cells). Reached the airport with no Thai Bahts Left starting at DQ. I starved til i reached Singapore btw, because of the political unrest! The money exchange are closed. How I survived with SGD100?! It's how cheap the trip was! 😊

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