Thailand

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Phuket 23rd January 2010.

I arrived later than all my mates to Patong Beach, and I was immediately greeted at the airport by the familiar sweaty wafting smell that I grew familiar with when I was last in Thailand, in 2005 on a family trip. We had dinner across the road at a dingy dive of a joint but it made the most delicious food, for only 50 baht. I ate my favourite dish the Thai Pork Red Curry.

We went out that night, and the other fellas had already been drinking substantially, so I had some catching up to do. We went through the main Patong city area, greeted by plenty of ladyboys and prostitutes. We had long island ice teas at a strip club, where my mate Fraser got done for taking photos of the stripper. After we starting getting worried about the dodgy ice in the teas, we headed off to a ping pong show and that was absolutely insane.

-- Ping Pong Show

They had some really hot strippers dancing and we thought WOW this is going to be quite a show, but then these big heffas rolled out, squirting anything from wild animals to playing darts and then of course the ping pong balls. Between them, they pushed out a live budgie, playing darts, full bananas, fish, and ping pong balls. I was volunteered to go up for the bananas show and she made me sit down while she cradled back with her vag facing the air. I assumed the A catching position, with nothing but a tea towel between my hands and what I was about to catch. So she takes a deep breath and 'whoow' then the banana came out of her at a rate of knots, and unfortunately, not dissimilar to the Pakistani Cricket Keeper on a good day, put it down. I managed only to catch one of the 4 bananas that she launched my way, and I was happy with that.

Another woman then proceeded to come out and just stand there with her legs apart and an empty container underneath her moot. One by one, she squirts out little tadpole looking fish, and she counts 11, but then makes it clear that there are more up there by hitting her stomach hard, in case they might just drop out. So she ends up just giving a big shrug and an expression that says, 'Oh fuck it...' So i assume theres a tadpole trying to get sticky fingers with one of her ovaries to this day.

The next woman gets up there and she is practicing squirting the ping pong balls out of her. We knew this was the grand finale. However, it was a massive let down. My mates tried to make me get up there, however i had already volunteered so i wasn't having a bar of it. Another mate eventually got up and had to lie down on the ground. The other big girl came out and held him down, while the ping pong girl squatted over his face. Ping pong girl spots my mate with his mouth open for a second and BOOM shoots it down his windpipe! He spits it out in disgust and maybe not so coincidentally had a bad illness for the proceeding 5 days.

That night, I shockingly beat a hooker in connect 4, however my friends weren't so lucky giving up about 300 baht between them for their losses. Fraser passed out on the bar and we drew on him, and used his body as a base for jenga. At the end he had on his back: 'im all horny and bored lolz', 'for sale', which we bartered him down to 1B, a token penis, marry me Grace (gf). He had two full beer bottles down his jocks, a chair balanced on his back, and his dignity in a pile on the floor, never to be regathered.

We carried him home and he spewed in the cab all over his shirt that he didn't wash for the next week, however continued to wear. All in all a pretty good first night.

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