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today was a difficult day.
first of all, i slept in, so when i got to camp, i was half an hour late to yoga. being late can just throw your calm off a little.
then, i was levelled up from beginner level to intermediate level. this would have felt like more of an honor if i felt i was ready for it, but i am pretty sure i was just levelled up because they ran out of room in beginners.
the idea behind the three levels is that in beginners you learn technique. in intermediate you learn to put power into your technique, and in advanced you learn to fight.
so, as my first day in intermediate, i found it exhausting. it is a different kind of exhausting. now that my muscles are getting more used to this, now it is my lungs that get tired. doing everything with more power and faster is very VERY. VERY. hard. in fact, i threw up. but it was just water, so it was pretty much fine.
then i got put in the ring for 3 rounds, sparring with three different people. the nice thing about intermediate is that there are women in intemediate. so i got to spar with women all three times. however, this is not to suggest that these women are weak or less skilled than the men. let's just say i got beaten up. even though we are supposed to use only 50% power and speed.
while in the ring, for the first time since i got here, i just felt a horrendous surge of confusing emotions. i am learning how to kick and punch and block and all this, but when there is a real person in front of me, it all feels different. also, i have so much less experience than anyone there. the women i sparred with had been training back home and had come to thailand just as an intensive boost.
eventually, during the third round, as i found myself unable to block half the punches coming to my face, and i could taste blood somewhere, i felt like my insides were beginning to crumble like chalk. i felt like no matter how hard i concentrated in the moment, i didn't have what it took to react in time. but of course, i didnt want to give in to this, so i held back the lump in my throat until the bell clanged.
then, once it was over and we had bowed to each other, and everyone went to get water and take off their hand wraps, and i had a few moments to relax, i felt a horrible grinding feeling in the pit of my stomach which welled up, and, unable to stop the feeling, i broke down crying right there in the ring. i was so embarassed to cry, but that just made me cry more.
the women were really supportive. they sat me down and got water and took off my hand wraps and told me not to worry, that they had been in the exact same position when they started. one of them, natasha, was really kind. she said, regarding our trainers who were lounging near the water cooler, "they don't understand this part. they grow up fighting their whole lives." which is true. my sheltered american life was wonderful and fortunate, but it didn't prepare me for fist fights.
i think i am going to take it easy for the rest of the day and go back refreshed tomorrow. i want to be hard core, but i think this time i need to back off a little bit.
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Peter Manly
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My highest respect for you
Hey there Beth! I just started reading your entries today and WOW! I am blown away by your conviction, your stamina, and your writing style. It is a pleasure to read these and it sucks me in like a good book - I can't wait for the next one. I will have to settle to live vicariously through these blogs. I am totally behind you! Love, your big little big brother...