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Published: January 5th 2009
Next we were heading to Phuket for some sunshine - well at least we hoped there would be some afetr the miserable weather we'd had for the last couple of weeks! As was becoming tradition for Ian and I, the journey there was rather eventful...
Firstly we were due to get a taxi at 6am but Kayla's alarm failed to go off and instead we were woken at 5.55am by the words "taxi, taxi" being shouted through the door. The lady who owned the guesthouse had come to let us know the taxi was there and when faced with me first thing in the morning as I opened the door to her in my PJ's, she looked a little concerned! After a small panic attack and a few babies later we were out of the door and waiting beside the taxi. Luckily the taxi driver was in go-slow mode and didn't seem to realise that we were ten minutes late, so all was good. At this point however, I couldn't help wondering who to blame for sleeping in late - Kayla and her Canadian alarm clock which was obviously crap or Ian who decided to inform us that the owner
of the guesthouse had offered to wake us up so that we didn't oversleep, but he had kindly declined thinking (as he always does) 'we'll be ok!'
We were dropped off by the taxi at the ferry port and soon were aboard the ferry. It was nearly time for Kirk's first nap of the day, so he found a comfortable spot on the top deck amongst the hoards of travelers who were moving on after the full moon party. Ian, Kayla and I found some seats, but later regretted not cuddling up with Kirk after being choked by thick black smoke from the ferries big chimneys and being deafened by the horn that was loud enough to wake the dead!
After arriving back on the mainland we then had to jump onto a bus to get back to Surat Thani. There were about fifty buses and so, with no idea what so ever of which bus we were supposed to be getting on, we just took the word of a random guy who ushered us towards a bus. A short time later we were back at Surat Thani where we were supposed to be getting on another bus
straight away to take us to Phuket (can you believe we haven't even made it there yet and I've managed to write this much!)
A couple of hours later we were still sitting on the roadside waiting for the bus! In the meantime we had decided to have a bite to eat - Ian had opted for rice and chicken which looked lovely, but then clumsy boy went on to add a life times supply of chilli sauce to it when it ran out of the bottle too quickly and it didn't quite look so appetising then! It entertained us for all of a few minutes though and lots the other people waiting for the bus too!
Eventually (I did warn you this was an eventful journey!) we were carted by a tuk-tuk to a car park that was full of mini-buses. We were conned in to paying a little extra for one of these to take us directly to our hostel, but by this point we couldn't be bothered with the hassle of finding our way from where the 'invisible' bus would drop us to where we were staying. It felt so good to finally be on
our way...but unfortunately that feeling lated all of about three minutes...We had been crammed onto the back seat in a way that would put sardines to shame and soon discovered the air-con didn't work. So what we thought would be a pleasant journey on a mini-bus turned into a long, sweaty, smelly and painful (due to cramp) trip.
Finally we arrived at Patong in Phuket later that evening and checked into our hostel ' Dive Den'. Much to our delight (NOT) we were put on the top floor of a seven story building that didn't have a lift and the room had no air-con either...we honestly thought our day wouldn't get any worse!
After a much needed lie-in the next morning we headed for the beach. The sun was shining and it was hot at last! Patong beach was packed with tourists and we felt like we had walked onto the set of 'Benidorm'. There were far too many old men wearing speedo's for my liking (in fact young men too come to think of it) and chav's everywhere!
For dinner that evening we bought food from the stalls (well, tables attached to motor bikes) that
were outside our hostel. I decide to try a salad but was rather put off by the whole raw crab that was thrown in it before it was ground up...the salad went into the bin and I ate Kayla's left-overs! Later we went to the local bowling alley where Kayla got about sixty strikes and put us all to shame! Then we ventured into the town for a drink - unknown to us Patong was not a family resort (like Benidorm) but a replica of Bangkok! There were lady-boys and prostitutes everywhere, not to mention dirty old men and young lads who were 'looking for love' (if you know what I mean!)
The rest of our time spent in Phuket was mostly at the beach. Ian got a haircut which to his disappointment revealed lovely tan lines around his hairline and i carried on enjoying the sunshine and saying 'no thank you' to the million people walking along the beach trying to sell me stuff. Before leaving Patong, Ian, Kayla and Kirk also decided to sample some of the local delicacies...I opted out as deep fried crickets and cockroach weren't that appealing to me!
Leaving the
ladyboys behind in Patong, Phuket, we caught another Thai ferry full of tourists whose bags had been tossed into a huge backpack mountain right in front of the exit, and set off to meet Kirk's cousin, Chris, on the west coast island of Ko Phi Phi (pronounced pee pee, like wee wee, but with a P). We hopped off the ferry about 7 hours after it docked as we awaited our bags and were greeted with more sunshine before searching out Hippo Divers where Chris worked as a dive instructor. However, people only knew him as Goose (not Maverick or Iceman, just Goose) and he was out diving so we met him later to find out him and Kirk are strangely like a relatively youthful set of Mitchell Brothers.
Before that we again trooped off with our bags hoping to find a nice beach bungalow for a reasonable price. Unfortunately we ended up in the U.S. Guesthouse, which came with free cold showers (directly over the sink into which the shower dribbled), complimentary bed bugs, free use of formerly white towels and were lucky with its prime, highly sought after mosquito ridden jungle location. We were even handed the
fortune of staying next to an Irish chap who had lost his key one evening and on returning at 4:30am (much to the disgust of his girlfriend( decided to try and open the door with his boot. Lizzie wasn't impressed and wanted to go and help him get into his room by trying to open the door by putting his face through it but luckily her anger management classes are working really well.
Anyhoo, we met up with Goose and he persuaded us all to part with our cash and join him on the 4 day PADI Open Water dive course, where he would hopefully teach us not to drown. If Kirk thought he was on holiday and Lizzie and I thought we were on a stress free 6 month break, the next few days proved to be slightly different in parts! Kayla, being the experienced diver that she was having recently completed the course herself, went off on a fun dive with another group, as far away as possible from us amateurs!
Before the course we hit the beach for a day to again make the most of the all too rare sunshine, where there were several
scantily clad women also making the most of the weather, much to the disgust of Lizzie and Kayla. Kirk and I didn't really notice, although we did keep our sunglasses on for most of the day (it was sunny, the glare from the sea, you know how it is!).
The next day we started the course with a monster 6 hour session in the classroom watching videos of stupid yanks dressed in Culture Club style wetsuits and Goose trying his best to drum into us that if you stop breathing underwater you will die. The monster session wasn't helped by the monster session we'd had the night before in Reggae Bar and then Hippies Bar. The Reggae Bar wasn't exactly as you'd expect as it had a full size Thai boxing ring as the centre piece where tourists could have a tear up in return for a free bucket of paint stripper cocktail that were otherwise about a fiver. We thought it would be a relatively friendly sparring session between two mates until one guy got knocked out in about 20seconds after twenty minutes of build up! Kirk and myself were very tempted, but we thought it might be
a stupid idea. With the silky combinations and footwork of Ian "Float like Jan Molby, sting like a US Guesthouse bed bug" Morgan against the all out aggression and fearlessness of Kirk "Rage against the Morgan" Price, it would almost certainly been a pay per view boxing classic like the great Benn and Eubank days. We were both confident of winning. Personally I believe I would have jabbed my way to a unanimous points victory, provided I could keep away from Kirk's Kruncher right hand that Mr. Leech has been unable to avoid once or twice.
Anyway, after our classroom session with our heads feeling like we'd been in the ring, we were down to the beach the next morning for our confined dive, which is where you learn your skills and is usually done in the swimming pool to get you used to the gear and breathing underwater! We stood on the shore in our tanks, masks and fins and looked every bit of the novices we were as we waddled into the sea to a daring depth of about a metre, nearly falling over face first into the sand on the way.
In our first session
we had to learn skills like taking your mask off under water and putting it back on, taking your breathing regulator out and throwing it away from you and recovering it before passing out and things like that! Doing all these things felt very weird and unnatural, much more than we'd expected. Kirk was struggling to come to terms with the breathing underwater with your mouth only and Lizzie was fighting the demons in her head about her mask clear (blowing through your nose with your head back to get the water out). I managed OK with the skills underwater however I couldn't stop bobbing around uncontrollably like a lifeless turd at a waterpark, getting in each others way.. We called it a day and spent twenty minutes in the swimming pool the following day to regain confidence and all the previous problems disappeared before we completed our skills at the beach again. We were officially now able to take our masks off and look stupid underwater (just like normal really), share air in an emergency and basically stay alive and were ready for our first dive in the open water.
The next day we were pilled up to
the eyeballs with sea sickness tablets and were in the water near Bida Nok and Bida Nai, islands near the main island of Phi Phi, and descended to the bottom in no time to do more skills. We were all pretty nervous prior to the first dive but after a few minor problems, Kirk decided after this dive that he was going to quit as he "just don't fancy it" because he "just wasn't enjoying it". After Goose working intensely on him with our help for about half an hour, he wasn't changing his mind. Then we geared up for the second dive and he said "Oh, OK then". Drama queen (jus kidding mate!). Personally I was worried about the 200metre swimming test as I only got my 25metre badge at school and I walked that anyway. But twice round the boat was completed with ease, with Lizzie in particular gliding through the water like Michael Phelps in a bikini with breasts.
A day off to destress was needed and was duly taken by Kirk, who decided to relax by having his foot stabbed about a million times by needles filled with ink for about 6 hours in the
form of a bamboo tattoo! We all thought he was having a picture of a bamboo cane drawn on but he assured us he wasn't a great fan of panda food and that it was a technique used in Thailand! Kayla had joined us after we'd deserted her for the past week to go and learn not to drown and she was enjoying watching Kirk get stabbed over and over again. These Canadians have a grudge against the British as we own them!
Our final dive day was a breeze (just about), with Lizzie nailing her mask clear and Kirk not drowning, although I nearly gave Goose the bends by cocking up one of the exercises but we headed back for our exam, which we all passed and were applauded by the entire shop for our efforts (or Goose's more like!). It was a proud moment for the Mitchell Brothers before we set off for some celebratory drinks (more drinks in relief we were all alive) and then off on the ferry back to Phuket the next day as PADI Open Water divers.
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