Chapter 5: Living a Dream or Living the Dream?

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5:40pm - Tip #1 Guesthouse

Eyes open for a good sign and the unverse delivers in the form of an angel.

I lay on the couch back at the Tip #1 guesthouse where we had our orientation for the jungle trek. Morale was precariously balanced between at-peace and despondence.

I'd spent the last two days wandering Chiang Mai looking for a sign. Something that might give me a nudge in a direction for what to do next or where to go. Any less-than-incredible emotions were all but forgotten in the shadow of group companionship and shared experience in the jungle. The high I had from my trek had subsided and I was back in town. I'd already said my goodbyes to all my new friends as they moved on to their next destinations, and I was still in Chiang Mai contemplating my next step.

That isn't to say that I wasn't enjoying myself. The daily exchanges with the lady at the coffee shop near the bus station were nice. I'd spent a lot of time there reading and writing and talking to locals and other travelers alike. I was able to see a friend I'd met on the plane to Seoul from Chicago from my hometown who was studying in Chiang Mai, but I was in a limbo of sorts and still a bit tired from the trek. Still, there were plenty of small victories to be had. I recieved an email today from my university confirming that I'd be recieving my degree after over 7 months of jumping through hoops. I'm not sure if I've ever been so underenthused.

Tomorrow I leave for Chiang Rai. I booked a 7am day tour that I'll be leaving at the end of the day to find my own way up north while they come back to Chiang Mai. And so...after all of these seemingly according-to-plan series of events and a short-term itinerary planned, I still find myself lying on the Tip guesthouse foyer couch feeling sorry for myself but also strangely content. I'd forgotten that life abroad is still life. That the spectrum of emotions from back home don't just disappear when you displace yourself halfway aroudn the world.

I almost feel sorry for my old self back home. It was such an ignorant notion for me to have ever fathomed that by leaving home I was casting myself into some limitless chasm of euphoria that would only end when I stepped foot on American soil again. It's good though, I'm learning both humilty and perspective. Both of which are very important traits to me.

I probably would have laid here all night drinking beer, making small talk with people, and feeling sorry for myself without the sudden and unexpected appearance of Lee my jungle trekking guide. Sprawled lazily on the couch and alone I reflected on my past, my present, adn my immediate future. The past was a mixture of regret and happiness. My present was more weariness and confusion. And I still sit in anticipation of the mystery of my future. But when Lee walked into the guesthouse foyer with that unforgettable sparkle in his eye and that infectious Thai smile of his, I knew everything would be just fine. I shook his hand and took a picture with the best man I thought I'd never meet again and suddenly my world came back together.

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