Day 11: The Ring Of Fire

---

Chiang Mai: Saturday, Jan 19th

I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight. - from 'The Devil Wears Prada'

I can't tell a lie. As soon as we left Angela & Pawly on the road back from "Happy Hour" last night, I made out like an Olympic hurdler to our room where I spent the rest of the evening getting up and down and up and down and up and.....

See, the thing is - I bought these (and forgive me in advance, but you may just want to skip this entry completely. I'm just blogging the truth here folks...), natural laxatives called "1-2-3". I needed to relieve some of the pressure in my gut, and the pharmacist said "6 hour! You take and 6 hour, you better! 1-2-3!!"

I've figured out #'s 1 & 2, but we never got to 3

Yeah, they work fast. I'd say more like an hour and a half, as opposed to six. I just spent the night sitting on our lovely western-style flush toilet, which is convenient for those long stays and it keeps your knees at the appropriate height for resting your head in your hands. Sometimes, it's just more convenient to sleep on the toilet.

Earplugs are a girl's best friend

Another piece of the gritty side of our trip has been the slow and continual descent into sleep deprivation. You care very little about it after breakfast and on your various treks, but seriously...even the earplugs aren't able to keep up with the noise that comes from drunken tourists at 3:00am and waking up so early every day after a fitful sleep gets you in bed by 10:00pm at the latest.

We've been staying at a pretty nice guesthouse that only costs 400 baht ($12.75) called Grace's Boutique. We came here after staying only one night (our first in Chiang Mai) at the popular Julie's guesthouse. Julie's was just a bit too much "backpacker chic" for our taste. Julie's had a nice courtyard in the back, but the room was really a bit depressing and we were getting really tired of getting woken up from hearing, "Chad!! knockknockknock Chad!!! What the f*** are you doing Chad?! knockknockknock Chad!!!"

Now, bearing in mind, this actually happened the day before the fateful fruit shake, I was almost ready to get out of bed and ask Chad why the f*** he was able to sleep through this, but I wasn't. So, obviously, we found Grace's Boutique to be quite charming.

Now we've spent (I think) two nights here at Grace's, and if it weren't for the constant slamming of doors by the guests coming in and out at all hours and the ridiculously hard-working cleaning staff (seriously...do they need to start at 6:00am every day??), we'd love to stay here. It's clean, it's bright and they have one American channel (CNN) which is helping to pass the time between visits to the can.

Gap's House

We have a lovely friend (who shall remain nameless), Catherine McGregor, who gave us a tip a few days ago on "Gap's House" in Chiang Mai, which she had stayed at on her trip eight years ago and loved it. We actually dropped by Gap's yesterday, but they were full. It has a great secluded courtyard that's full of dark wood and plays old jazz. They also run a cooking school there and are famous for their nightly vegetarian buffet. Because they're so popular, they don't take reservations and work strictly on a "first come, first served" basis.

We managed to score a room before noon today (the last one) and our room is gigantic (if a bit musty) and the bathroom, while not as nice as Grace's, is serviceable (oh...I'll be servicing it all right) and we're happy to be paying the 650 baht ($20.68), for the privilege of a quiet night. (After all, you can't even get a Super 8 or a Motel 6 back home for under $50 or $60.

Two men and a foot rub

We've arranged to meet Angela and Pawly at "our courtyard", which is a great little square in the middle of old town Chiang Mai that lies between our guesthouses. They've been getting hour-long Thai massages (120 baht or $3.81!!!) every day, so we know where to find them 😊. Pawly's been after me to get a massage, but...I just don't think it would be wise with the gut and all. (Thai massage is like a massage with someone putting your body through yoga moves). Pawly says, "come on, swamp-ass!! Get an effin' foot-rub then! You can't go wrong with a foot-rub!! My feet are ticklish (really ticklish), but when do two grown men ever get the chance to get a foot massage together? (Sorry Pawly, I know that what happens in Chiang Mai is supposed to stay in Chiang Mai).

The foot-rub is fantastic!!! Less than $4 for an hour of someone working on your feet?! Holy crap!! If you're ever in Chiang Mai, write to me, I'll give you directions.

Kim and Angela getting the full Thai massage and look very fresh and relaxed and ready to go on another trek.

Wat Doi Suthep

"The book" (our "Let's Go!" Thailand guide), is about to meet its maker. It has let us down one too many times, and Wat Doi Suthep is the final nail in the coffin.

Pawly is an avid reader on all things Buddhist and has been loving the wats (temples) and spent 4 hours at a "monk chat" (where you sit and ask a monk anything you want) just the other day. So, we're all happy to go check out Doi Suthep, which is "the one wat that you have to see above all others", according to "the book".

You have to take a songthaew (covered pick-up truck) to the Zoo, where you catch another songthaew up to the temple which sits high in the mountain over-looking Chiang Mai. They filmed a leg of The Amazing Race there a few years ago (admittedly, Kim & I are fans), and it's famous for its 300+ steps up to the actual temple.

If there was ever a parallel between Buddhism and Christianity, I could see Lord Buddha crashing through the market that lines the way up to and including the temple itself and denouncing everything that he would see there today. I can't even begin to describe my disappointment. Call me bitter, but I can't see what banana waffles have to do with Buddhism. Or, jewelery or toys or anyone hawking the same shit that you can buy anywhere in Thailand.

Those 300+ steps up to the temple got the stomach going again, and while I got to see a bit of it, I had to keep leaving the group and made no less than 6 (yes, six) trips to the bathroom in the 1 1/2 hours that we were there. Although, I still got to see way more than I wanted to of this kind of tourism. You know, (perhaps you don't know) women aren't allowed to touch monks. You can't smoke in the temple, either. But this doesn't stop the average tourist from trying to snap a picture of their wife with a monk while yelling direction at the two subjects through the smoke that's hanging out of their mouth.

There are also booths and shops that line the temple selling tour packages and higher quality jewelery than down below the steps. You can also buy lunch and a souvenir to take back home to show everyone just how spiritual you are.

I think I know why they call it "Gap's House"

We left Angela & Pawly at around 6:00pm with a loose plan to meet up for drinks, but in the event that we all just pass out for the night, we'll meet in the courtyard again.

I'm not trying to beat a dead horse here, but again, I've been able to study the back of the bathroom door in detail this evening and not only is the door rotten, but it's *covered* in mildew. There are huge dusty moldy things hanging from the ceiling and our sheets are damp.

On one of the many trips back and forth from bed to the bathroom, I notice that there is a 1/4 inch gap in the wall just above the floor that runs the length of the room. The light from the next room lights my way, so there's no need to turn on a light myself. At around 4:00am, our neighbour gets a call on his cellphone, and if the conversation had been in English, I could relay it to you. I've developed a nasty, phlemmy cough and I've got a nice gravelly Barry White-type voice going on now.

I'm dehydrated and "it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire...the ring of fire."

Our nameless friend obviously had a different room than ours at Gap's, or was just so drunk the entire time that she couldn't tell. Either way, Catherine, we'll make dinner for you upon our return...you bring the booze.

---