First taste of Ayurveda

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I’ve booked an Ayurveda course whilst I'm here so today I have to see the doctor for my consultation. She takes my pulse, checks my tongue a lá Gillian McKeith and asks me what my concerns are. Cleverly, I think, I say that I am concerned about my hair, shoulder tension and dry skin so that I will hopefully get lots of massage etc, along with wanting to lose some weight and detox. I'm given a red sarong to wear and told to come back at 10am.
So here I am at 10am. Firstly I’m taken into a room and have a head massage followed by a back massage while I’m sat in a chair by one girl. Then another therapist comes in, chatting to the other one, and they both give you a synchronised body massage . Except, they’re not very synchronised. One is working on my foot while the other's on my leg, one works upwards while the other comes down….and the worst thing? One has quite a gentle touch, but the other!!!! She will now be called "the pincher" and days later I will have the bruises to prove it! After that they make me drink something. It looks like a shot and the taste is probably the nearest I’ll be getting to alcohol for a few weeks (so I like it obviously). I’m then taken to another room where I have to lay with my face over a pot burning herbs for 10 mins. Then looking like a tomato I’m put on a sunlounger for 10 minutes for everyone to have a good laugh. Whilst I’m having a quick snooze there someone comes up to me, touches my shoulder and says “Madam." When I open my eyes she squirts eye dops at me! Then someone wraps hot poultices around my shoulders, throat and chest, mashes papaya all over my face and puts cucumber over my eyes. I’m then left to cook for 10 minutes. Next I’m given a scrub to use all over and told to rinse it off in the shower. What she didn’t tell me is that the shower is COLD so I spend 5 minutes trying to catch water in my hands, warm it up and rinse the scrub off. After feebly rinsing that off I have to get in a hot herbal bath where an Indian woman spends 5 minutes trying to drown me by splashing it over me. After my scrubbing and bathing I feel great! Then its time for lunch. Because I’ve now had my consultation I can be advised on what are the best things to eat for my dosha. And now I know why everyone looks so miserable. Breakfast and lunch are buffets and I get a bit excited as I look at the menu on the way in. Spaghetti Bolognese, yippee! Unfortunately there's a doctor ("Hawkeye") on hand in the restaurant who has a list of your cans and can nots, so no spag bol for me! No I have to have my “special” barley soup. I feel so special! After lunch I collect my medicines that go along with the treatment - in all I have 9 lots of tablets/medicines to take at specific times!
It rains all afternoon - you were feeling jealous about me being in paradise? so I wander around the hotel and find a library. Don't have time to do anything with all the tablets I'm taking anyway, and the detox starts to work very quickly!
In the evening I go to a temple to a full moon ceremony. The bus driver stops at the bottom of the hill and tells us that we have to take our shoes off, so I trudge through the mud to the temple. It's a fantastic atmosphere and I end up having my own private guide in the bus driver, who tells me about all the different shrines. I join in by lighting some incense and candles. When I get back I find that a flower has been put on my pillow. Sweet, I think, until I discover the 20 bugs that hitched a ride on it to my bed!

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