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Published: June 23rd 2011
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the face of addiction
and it aint pretty... There's this man. This man is addicted to sniffing scented markers. He can't stop. This man is a teacher. Sometimes if he is bored in class, he will sniff a marker when the students aren't looking. He's always wondering what new scents there are and whenever he's not around the markers, he wonders what they are doing. After a particularly wonderful weekend out with friends this man wonders aloud how many markers should he smell tomorrow and what scents? His friends give him a look of pity. This man has what is called an addiction. They tell him it ends tonight. They put him in a room where he can EASILY get any scented marker in .5 seconds. The shelves are stoked with them. But they tell this man he cannot have one. He must go about his day to day life and ignore the markers. Read a book, write some poetry, learn a language they say. He does and he enjoys it. But he sees the markers sitting there...
This man is me.
OKay, so I'm not a man and I don't sniff scented markers. In fact, the kids that used to do that freaked me out. They are probably meth heads now. But I do have an addiction. To a little social networking site that has 600 million users. Facebook has got to be the most popular drug in the world and its got me by the balls (again, I am not a man. I repeat, I am female). Sometimes I forget to do work because I'm busy seeing what that one guy I knew once did on his vacation. I read a entertaining article and immediately think "I better put this on Facebook so everyone knows that I read this and find things like this funny. Even better if someone likes it because then that means they know I am funny and we like the same funny things". I listen to a song and think, "Wow, this accurately sums up my emotions today. I should post it on Facebook". Yeah brilliant, Hannah. As if your 575 "friends" give a damn that you like to listen to Radiohead on cloudy bleak days. This all came to a head when on a bus with Jess, Mike, and Jazz I mused over what my status should be when I got home.
"There's just so much it has to say, you guys. This is stressful."
Jazz gave me her withering look of contempt. "God, Hannah. You put the worst statuses up."
My heart fizzled and died. Came to life. and then died again.
"I mean, like no one ever knows what you are talking about. Only Margo ever likes them. You're just like people, like me, pleeeeasssse."
Shocked, but not enough to not strike back I said, "Well Jazz, at least I don't say "I had a really good dinner tonight."
Jess laughed. I smiled in triumph.
I continued. "And Jess just gets really excited about the weekends in hers."
Jess seemed to not concur. But we did all concur that Facebook was taking over our lives. I mentioned how a couple of months ago I tried to give up Facebook for a week and hardly made it a day before I got back on and was found out. An idea was formed. Facebook ban. Whoever could stay off the longest got 20 bucks from each person. I love competition so I was like HELL YEAH, but then I started thinking.
"Well wait you guys, can I like have a goodbye status or something? People are going to think I am ignoring them!!!"
Mike laughed at me. "Look at her, she is like clawing her arms right now. She's freaking out."
"Facebook isn't such a big deal", Jazz said.
"Listen, I'm not addicted, but Facebook is important!", I said in an effort to get out of this.
"We have until midnight tonight", Jess said. "And then, it's go time. I'm going to break out my Rosetta Stone."
I got home and took one last look at Facebook. There it was. All my friends, family, people from high school I don't really like but I added, people I met drunk at parties, friend's of friends who I don't really remember how I know, and attractive people that I don't delete because their pictures are nice to look at. I would miss them all. I went to bed. And woke up in a world without Facebook.
Day 1: Zen
In my morning daze I almost clicked on Facebook. I gasped and recoiled from the mouse. I wanted to do this. Not just to win, but I thought it would be good for me. I got to school and after class got on the computer as I do. How easy it would be to click the "F" key and go straight there, but no I was making myself a better person today. I read two chapters of "The World According to Garp." Finished all my lessons. Listened to the whole Digitalism album. Read articles on CNN, BBC, and MatadorTravel. Watched some Parks and Rec. I used a cool Flickr thing to look at people's pictures of Placerville and Uppsala. I had a super busy day and I went home feeling like Facebook had been wasting my time all these years. I had dinner with Jess, Jazz, and Margo (still content in her addiction) and we talked about what a great day we had and I felt so at peace with the world around me. I could do this for months.
Day 2: Zen with a dash of Angst
Found myself not wanting to go on Facebook. It all seemed rather trivial now. Gossip and petty things seemed not to matter because I was in my own world and not surfing through other people's. Busy with classes. Read some Kafka. Decided I hate Kafka. Looked at the Google icon over the years. Wondered if this meant I was turning into a loser. Drank lots of tea. Talked on the phone. A LOT. Talked on Gchat. A LOT. I am not a creature who can go without human contact. No Facebook okay, but not having a in depth conversation with someone at least twice a day? I beg you, no. Ate a cookie. It didn't taste as good as Facebook.
Day 3: Phone addiction
I went to Seoul for an interview. Obviously did not worry or think about Facebook. Substituted it for texting and talking on the phone the whole time I was there to 5 different people. Think I might have a friend addiction in general. Or talking. Or an addiction to addictions..anyways, people on the subway were scared when I got on and off the subway at each stop because I was so immersed in my conversations that I didn't understand how to be a person anymore. Ate fried rice cake on accident. Went to Jazz's house and watched a Korean movie. Decided I hate Korean movies. Started to feel on edge. Called someone and felt better. But a phone is no Facebook.
Day 4: Dastardly plots
Sent an email to Jess and Jazz. "OOOOH hey ladies! God, well we know this could go on forever right?? What is Facebook??? I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER HAAHHAHAHA! But seriously girls. Let's just screw this bet and have an end date. Save our money and go out to a nice dinner to celebrate our achievement. I mean Jazz needs to plan her birthday party right???"
Disclaimer: I don't write emails like this. Only a douche would. But then again, I was in a total douchey mindset.
They agreed. The ban would be off on Friday. Mostly because I had no classes that day and I thought I would die if I couldn't look at people's statuses about how drunk they were going to get this weekend. Goddamn you Zuckerberg. You ball grabbing son of a bitch.
I was back.
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