Vipassana.

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Vipassana.

Ten days of silent meditation. Ten days of no talking, no writing writing materials, no communication in any form. No technology. Ten hours of meditation a day, for ten days. No friends, no contact with the outside world. All other religious practices were to be suspended. Two and a half meals a day. One must abstain from killing, stealing, lying, sexual misconduct and the use of intoxicants. Have I mentioned ten hours of meditation, every day?

Vipassana is one of the most ancient meditation techniques. Long lost to humanity, it was rediscovered by Guatama the Buddha more than 2,500 years ago. It is the essence of what he practiced and taught during his forty-five year ministry. However, five centuries after the Buddha, Vipassana disappeared from India. The purity of the technique was lost. In the country of Myanmar however, it was preserved by a chain of devoted teachers. Vipassana has now been reintroduced in India, Nepal and to citizens from more than eighty countries.

One of the greatest things about Vipassana is that it is non-sectarian. Whilst it has been preserved in the Buddhist tradition, it contains nothing of a sectarian nature, is by no means limited to Buddhists, and can be accepted and applied by people of any background. There is absolutely no question of conversion. Vipassana, as Buddha taught it was about 'dhamma' (the way, the truth and path) and he did not call his followers Buddhists, instead referring to them as 'Dhammists' (those who follow the truth). The technique works on the simple basis that all human beings share the same problems and a technique which can eradicate these problems can be universally practiced.

The word Vipassana means to see things as they really are. It is the process of self purification by self observation. Vipassana enables you to experience peace and harmony.

The course was definitely not easy and was by no means fun. It was incredibly challenging, at times in a wonderful way and at others in an extremely frustrating way. Attending a Vipassana course is not something you take lightly, you have to take it seriously and work hard in order to see any results.

I'll admit that I had no interest in attending such a course before arriving in Nepal, however this trip, this journey was going to be somewhat different to my last travel experiences. This trip was about me, and not in the whole 'I'm here to find myself way', but more so in the form of I'm going to try anything and everything in order to learn. To challenge one's ideals, and if that meant including a ten day meditation course, I was all for it. I've also often felt that I was more of a spiritual being than others, I've always been interested in the philosophy's behind religion, rather than the religion itself as it's practiced. Nepal was always going to be more of a 'spiritual' journey, and Vipassana, whilst it's not spiritual, was definitely a step in the direction of 'life challenge' and 'challenging one's ideals'. I went into the course, with the knowledge that it was a ten day silent retreat. I knew nothing else about the practice. I had heard many positive stories from others that had attended. I went into this course with an open mind, ready for anything and expecting nothing. I came out a 'changing' woman.

Note I mentioned the word changing, rather than changed. Vipassana is indeed a technique to remove or eradicate suffering, but the path of Dhamma, the technique of observing the reality withing and in turn eradicating suffering is a long one. By no means do I believe I'll ever reach enlightment, and I didn't enter the course with the idea that this would be the outcome. I'm not even sure I'll reach 'liberation'. All I know is Vipassana makes sense. In no way does it condemn other religions, or cults or rights or rituals. It is a logical technique, not focusing on the outside world, but wat's going on inside of you, the truth inside of you. After ten days in the course I came out with a greater realisation that you/I am responsible for 100%!o(MISSING)f you/my misery. There is no one else to blame for our unhappiness. Vipassana, or following the path of dhamma, should I choose to follow it, will allow me to eradicate years of misery and unhappiness and lead a more peaceful and harmonious life. I'm not saying that I've lived a horrible life, but you learn that both craving and aversion, for anything, creates a lot of misery and unhappiness, that we've become used to experiencing. We have formed years of bad habits and in my case craving is a big one! Insert chocolate addiction here. The fact is Vipassana teaches you that you crave craving. Your body is so used to feeling misery when that craving cannot be obtained that it craves even more, and the same goes for aversion. Some of us are so used to feeling hatred towards certain people, ideas or objects that we crave that aversion. We don't know how to function without anything in which to create aversion. It's a scary realisation.

The course, as I mentioned, was amazingly challenging, and that first part, the amazing part, wasn't always linked with the challenging part. This was my timetable, this is the timetable, which remains the same, in all of the Vipassana centres around the world.

4am- Morning wake up bell. Day one we all woke up with a moan, what am I doing here again?!

4.30-6.30- Meditate in the hall- The first hour, for me, was almost enjoyable, but the last half hour felt like torture

6.30-8.00- Breakfast break- Thank goodness, food! My stomach was starting to rumble. Back to bed after breakfast for most of the foreigners, even if it was only for 40minutes

8.00-9.00- Group Meditation in the hall. This session was ok, although I was usually drowsy after my nap

9.00-11.00- Meditate in the hall. This session became easier but at the beginning was super difficult.

11.00-1.00- Lunch- One of my favourite parts of the day. The food was wonderful. Super strange to eat with no conversation. Although it does allow you to appreciate what's in front of you. Filling in time after lunch was difficult,

12.00-1.00- Rest and question time in the hall- This was a good opportunity to clear up any questions or doubts with the assistant teachers.

1.00-2.30- Meditate in the hall- I loathed this session, from the beginning to the end, an hour and a half, after two hours off, it was almost impossible for me to meditate for more than 40minutes, if that!! ahhh!

2.30-3.30- Group Meditation in the hall- This session was also difficult but not as much because it was a challenge not to move for the whole hour. Yes you have to sit in the same position for an entire hour. No moving, not even your hands, challenging alright.

3.30-5.00- Meditation in the hall- Yes we're still meditating! And I know I said that the 1-2.30 was my most disliked session but I lied, this one was almost unbearable some days, it just went on and on and on and on..

5.00-6.00- Tea break- Yummy lemongrass tea, my favourite. I didn't eat fruit, so this break consisted of me eating two bowls of puffed rice and peanuts...oh the joy if you got more than two peanuts on your spoon at once! It's the little things.

6.00- 7.00- Group Meditation in the hall- I was quite fond of this session, after tea break everything was wonderful. This was one of my most successful times, for meditation that is.

7.00-8.15- Teacher's discourse- Oh Goenka. Ok, ok, this was up there with my favourite part of the day. Listening to the guru, Goenka, on a tv. Listening to him reassure you that you weren't going crazy. Hearing the other students laugh when you laughed was one of the beautifully reassuring. Goenka always knew just what to say and always went over, what seemed like, everything you'd been thinking or questioning that day. Love to Goenka!

8.30-9.00- Meditation in the hall- This session was also quite enjoyable. I was always feeling quite high on life and super inspired after the discourse and found meditation almost easy.

9.00-.9.30- Question time in the hall- I used this session a few times to clarify any questions about meditation, it was nice to be able to talk to someone and be reassured that you weren't going crazy.

9.30- Retire to your own room- lights out- Can I tell you, we were better than good at having lights out on time, in fact the lights were generally always out by 9.15. Tired anyone?!

4.00am- START AGAIN!!!!!!



As mentioned in the timetable there were definitely parts of that day that were more difficult than other, insert after lunch. I always found that session difficult, maybe because apart from the five minute breaks between sessions you were basically sitting for four hours, intense.

Day 0- The first day, the day we register and make our way to the Vipassana centre isn't actual classified as a day. It is day 0. We are allowed to talk until 6pm that evening, if I can recall. Obviously you start talking to the others, who you find out are feeling pretty much exactly the same as you; nervous, excited, unsure, ready for anything, interested in seeing exactly how they'll react, intrigued to find out what their mind will do. We all started talking, us girls, my roomies and I, but wisely we don't get each others names. I don't think it's a great idea to start talking in the first place, I don't want to feel like I know anyone before starting, as it will just make it harder, but it's hard not to. They all seem so nice. We share a little bit about ourselves but not too much, and like I said, no names, wise move. We all warn each other about a few habits; the girl opposite me admits she sleep talks and walks, brilliant! and another girl warns us she's almost certain she'll have a breakdown. She also has her fiance here at the course, so I feel like it will be especially difficult for her. Day 0 was already intense. Before leaving the centre in Kathmandu, I had to meet the teacher and talk about my brief past experiences with meditation and ensure him that I was aware that I was not to mix any other forms of meditation. We then had our first real experience of 'sitting still' for over an hour, listening to the very serious 'pre sermen', warning us that this was a serious course. It was likened to a surgical operation on the mind, and that it would be detrimental to us if we were to leave. We were informed over and over again, in different ways, that we should only attend if we were certain we could stay the entire time and take the course seriously. My legs started to ache and I questioned whether or not I had the right intentions. We got on a bus and we left. It was too late to back out now. I was on my way to ten days of silent meditation. The mini bus was full of women, old and young, some friends, some alone. We all looked as nervous as each other, which was reassuring. No one looked too sure of themselves. A lovely lady handed out sweets, she was so beautiful and the entire course I couldn't take my eyes off of her, I swear she must have been a model in her early years. This sweet handing out business took my mind off the fact that it was pouring down, bucketing down in fact. Rain like I'd never seen before. Ten minutes earlier, when we were stuck in traffic, and it had started to spit, we requested the man get out and get our luggage from the roof, as there was no 'plastic' tarp to cover it from the elements, but he refused, said there was no need. Sure enough, in true Nepali style, within ten minutes it was raining and within fifteen it was pouring. My bag would already be wet, there was no doubt, it was that stupid, unsupportive, definitely not waterproof, fake deuter backpack from the circuit. But there was still some time, before everything inside was wet. The bus man, who insisted on closing the windows in order to stay dry, and in turn suffocating us with heat and sweat, refused to get up on the roof and get our bags down. The girls around me starting getting figgity, it was nice to know I wasn't the only one who wanted my bags in the protective environment of the bus. Still it continued to bucket down and still he continued to refuse to get them down. I was getting agitated but realised now that everything was wet and there was no use bringing it inside. For the next half an hour it rained rain like I've never seen before, massive big waves of water were rushing down the hills as the small mini van tried to make it to the top. Young school children accepting the fact that it was pouring and that no umbrella could help were running through calf deep water. We arrived at the centre. My bag was thrown down to me, about ten kilo's heavier with all the water, and absolutely saturated, drenched. I inspected the damage, slightly annoyed, actually a lot annoyed that this problem could have been easily solved, everything was drenched, I rung out my towel and prayed that there was at least one semi dry piece of clothing to put on. I was out of luck. We signed in, handed over our passports and valuables, and were shown to our rooms. I felt alone and sad, bloody wet bag. I was shown to my room and before long was requesting a 'dry space' to dry all of my belongings. The nice server (helper) gave me a blanket and sheet for my bed and a spare shawl. I was very grateful but soon realised it smelt horrible. I was told I wasn't allowed to show my shoulders, so hung my sarong, which was relatively dry, above my bed and prayed it dried in time for the first meditation. After meeting nearly everyone in the room and heading to our first discourse I was feeling, well, overwhelmed, but this was it. The course had officially started.

Day one- Almost enjoyable, because it was all new, exciting, scary. It was the unknown, and I was probably in shock with what I'd got myself into. Nothing had really sunk in, yet. Breath. Concentrate on the small triangular area around your nose, seems easy enough. What did I say to mum before I left? Concentrate Hannah.

Day two- Tough. Everything was hurting. My legs were aching, constantly. My back was panging with pain. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't concentrate, concentrate Hannah. Focus on the small triangular area around your nose. Remain aware. My mind was all over the place, literally, like a mad man. Ok I'm concentrating, yes I can feel the air going in my left nostril, hmmm what happened in the last episode of Offspring? and just like that, after five minutes, geez, after two minutes my mind is somewhere else.

Fart day number 1. Brilliantly funny.

Day three- Everything was still hurting, I couldn't sit witout moving for more than fifteen minutes, if that. I'm started questioning my ability to do this every day for ten days, was it really only day three? By the afternoon I felt like I was getting somewhere with my breathing, I could concentrate on the small triangular area around my nose for a solid five minutes, sometimes. Feel the sensations, concentrate on breathing in and out of your nose. Remain balanced.

Day four- I was started to feel better. 'Everything' was not hurting as much anymore. I requested cushions (As per some past students' recommendations) I found a semi comfortable position. I could now sit and concentrate on my breathing for more than fifteen minutes at a time. My mind was starting to settle, it was no where near as crazy. As of today, as well as learning a new technique, we learnt that from now on, in the group meditation sessions that we were to observe Addhitthana- which means strong determination. We were asked to sit in any comfortable position, without moving arms, legs, hands, or opening eyes during the three group sittings during the day. Well, wow, this was going to be tough!

Fart day number 2. In the last half our of the afternoon, four hour session (the one I hate) someone let go of one of the longest, loudest farts I've ever heard. The boys started laughing and it moved like a wave in the ocean through the entire hall. People were trying to contain giggles and uproars of laughter. Girls started to get up and leave, I focused hard on my breathing, through muffled laughter. It really was one of the funniest things I've experienced, made even funnier by the fact we're supposed to be observing 'noble silence'. When the session finished (a very long ten minutes later) the girls leave the hall with bouts of laughter. I left cry/laughing, you know the type. Such a good release. Day four, a good day.

Day five- Waking up became much easier. I was always the first up to turn the lights on, to ensure no one fell back asleep. We learnt a new technique yesterday. I found it hard to concentrate and focus on feeling the sensations in my body, but I'm working hard. Every night I become more and more inspired to work hard and cement my feet on this path of dhamma. Today was a good day.

Day six- Breakdown day. Today I had a breakdown. But I didn't see it coming. I had a great morning. I had a breakthrough, or so I thought, little did I know I was setting myself up for misery by becoming excited about experiencing a 'free flow' of sensations through the body. I leave 10-11 o'clock session feeling great. After lunch, disaster started to form. I cannot get one round of sensations throughout the body...but how I ask myself, when I had a free flow before lunch (I later learn at one of the discourse sessions, that you can NOT crave the good sensations, nor create aversion towards the angry or painful sensations. If only I knew that at the time) Thoughts of failure and doubt and questioning why I'm doing this silly course in the first place started to flood into my head. I can't concentrate, I try to feel a sensation, any sensation, but it's impossible. My mind is unbalanced, of course it's impossible to feel anything, but I just can't find the balance, I can't stop thinking. I start to lose it, thoughts of doubt and failure again enter my mind. It's the group meditation in the hall, which means we're supposed to remain in the same position (you don't have to cross your legs, you can sit in any way that is comfortable for you). As soon as the session starts I lose it. The session before I'd started to lose it, but now I'm really losing 'start with a calm and quiet mind' he says. How can I possibly remain calm, I don't want to remain calm, I can't do this anymore. 'Anicha, anicha, anicha' he continues. I can't handle it anymore, I'm about to start crying, like really crying. I get up and run out, start having some sort of semi panic attack/crying fit. One of the dhamma server's (helpers) follows me and tells me to come back. I break out into a huge sobbing/weeping fit. I can't go back in, there's no way I can go back in. She follows me and then decides to stop, the crying is too loud, to out of control. I relieve myself, wash my face and have a drink of water. I'm trying to contain the crying, but it won't stop. She tell's me I can meditate in my room until 5pm. Meditate, how am I supposed to meditate when my whole world is coming down around me. Crazy thoughts start entering my head. Every bad situation I've ever experienced, every situation where I've caused myself un necessary misery comes flooding back, like a movie being played back to me in my head. The crying only intensifies. Finally it slows down, I close my eyes and try to concentrate on my sensations, on my breathing at least. There's no use. I know it's naughty, but all I want to do is have a shower and start again. The server checks on me again, you're always being kept accountable, are you sleeping when you shouldn't be, are you taking too long in the toilet...all for your own benefit of course. But this time, I don't care, small thoughts of leaving enter my mind, but I know I will never leave, I'm too stubborn, too determined to 'finish what I started'. I have a shower just before the tea break. My crying has subsided, now to a kind of hiccupy whimper. I make it into the dining hall, worried everyone will have noticed me leave and see my red, puffy eyes. Everyone is focusing on themselves. As I'm getting my cereal and tea, I can feel it coming on again. I ask one of the servers if I can speak to one of the teachers. As I'm asking her the tears return, welling up in my eyes as my throat starts to close over. Ah that feeling, so embarrassingly horrible. She organises a metting with the teacher. I devour three bowls of cereal, as if that's going to make it all better. I meet one of the teachers in one of the meditation cells, out the back of the meditation hall. Everyone looks at me as I walk in the 'restricted area'. As soon as I step foot inside I start bawling, like un consolable crying. She tells me to try and concentrate on my breathing and or sensations. I starts snorting and taking heaving breaths in, it's not working. She reassures me that they know I've been working hard and very seriously and that it's ok to cry. But if I'm going to cry I have to concentrate on my breahting or at least the sensations. I break down and tell her I hate the idea of failure, bla bla bla. I also tell her my back is killing me and I just can't concentrate with it hurting so much. After half an hour it's time to return to the hall for, you guessed it, more meditation. I have a new seat, next to a wall. She tells me I can sit there until I'm feeling better. From that moment on everything seemed to go swimmingly. I wa still a little out of sorts for the rest of the day, but for the most part, everything was up hill after my breakdown. Ahhh what a day.

Day 7- Today we learnt about impermanence. I understand, now, that everything is impermanent. Nothing is permanent. Every sensation will come and it will go, it will arise and it will pass. This not only applies during meditation but every day life as well. Nothing is permanent. Nothing belongs to you, to us. Things will always change and that's ok. We need to learn, I am learning to see that things will always change, that I cannot cling or crave anything, because that craving with eventually go away with time. It also does not make sense to cause any misery through aversion towards any one thing, because that too will arise and pass. Today I was able to sit and remain equanimous, not for the entire ten hours of meditation, but for a good part of the sessions. Today I had a calm and balanced mind. Everything is starting to make more and more sense.

Day 8- Goenka mentioned some days ago that we are responsible for 100%!o(MISSING)f our own misery of our own unhappiness. He mentioned by the end of the course we might feel comfortable in saying we're responsible for 50%! (MISSING)I understand now, that I am responsible for 100%!o(MISSING)f my unhappiness. Every craving, every aversion, causes unhappiness. We are creatures of habit. we are so used to cravings and aversions that we crave them. We're not quite sure how to be happy. How to let things arise and pass. In my case, I'm addicted to addiction. I'm addicted to craving, regardless of those cravings causing me unhappiness and misery. Through self observation through the Vipassana technique we can eradicate old miseries, old sancara's, we can retrain the mind to remain equanimous when it craves that bag of chocolate bullets or the ex lover, we can keep a balanced mind when our mind gets agitated over someone eating loudly next to you or when someone speaks badly about you. If you give each little spark, each craving and aversion more fire (talking to friends about your cravings and aversions, writing about your cravings and aversions) you will create more sparks and more misery. I have learnt that I have to try (and it's not always easy) to remain balanced and equanimous when these cravings and aversions arise, because I know now, I have experienced them arising one moment and passing in the next. I have experienced severe pain in my back come and eventually go, because I haven't given it a new spark, I haven't complained about it or readjusted, I have remained equanimous and yes it passed. Moment to moment our body is changing, we are changing. Nothing is ever the same and we have no control. What I am working on is whilst remaining equanimous, is not acting upon these cravings and aversions, because it's the action that causes the misery. Another positive day, but one that I'm not clinging onto or craving, because everything is constantly changing, nothing is ever the same! Anicha!!

Day 9- Everything is really making sense now. I'm finally able to sit there with a calm and balanced mind and remain 'equanimous'. I understand that I have to maintain 'anicha' during the unpleasant sensations and during the pleasant. I know that I must try to not crave the pleasant and not feel any aversion towards the bad. I can sit there now and experience sensations throughout the body. Sometimes I cannot, and I realise now that that is ok, that that is normal. It is what it is. It is the dhamma inside. It is the reality of that particular moment, the truth within. I cannot change it, nor can I control it, and that's ok. I have learnt to just let it happen, and I'm feeling positive, I'm not clinging to any moments or breakthroughs because I have learnt now that EVERYTHING IS IMPERMANENT. Nothing is permanent. You cannot control what is happening, so just let it happen. It is what it is. My mind is still wandering, but I can usually guide it back to focusing on breathing or sensations. I am gaining control over my mind, and in doing so I can control my cravings and aversions, I can remain equanimous when either of those two things arises and I can let it pass. When I let it pass, I am allowing the process of eradication of the build up of past 'sancara's' or miseries. It's difficult to explain until you experience it and you cannot understand until you do experience. Vipassana must be learnt at the experiential level, not merely the philosophical level. I can now sit for the entire hour without moving my arms, legs or opening eyes (the opening eyes part was the hardest, i just wanted to peak a few times at my watch, and I don't necessarily count peaking through a slit in your eye as opening your eyes, do you?) Today was a good day.

Day 10- One of the best days on the entire course. I had written meditation off completely today. I knew that today was the day noble silence ended. I knew that everyone was excited. There was this 'buzz' around the place. I knew, well I thought that no meditation was getting done today. I was wrong. Today, was one of my most succesful days, not that I'm craving that in the future, ha, but it was a surprisingly good day.

Of course when we're told we can talk again, it was one of the most overwhelming experiences I've ever been a part of. Nothing can prepare you for the moment when you're told you can talk. The moment when the dhamma server at the door speaks to you "namaste didi". I can actually talk now, I'm allowed to speak, noble silence is over. But do I want to speak. The 80+ women that I've been sharing this space with for the past nine days start to react in different ways. Some are laughing, some are crying. Some begin talking straight away. Some girls are chattering non stop. We're still not allowed to be physical, everything else remains the same; no lying, stealing, cheating, sexual misconduct, no killing, no writing, no contact with the outside world, everything is the same, except today we're allowed to talk. Noble silence, as we know it, it over. Tears start to well up in my eyes, I'm overwhelmingly happy but yet there's something inside of me that I cannot explain. My stomach starts to do somersaults, knots are beginning to form, my throat starts to close up. I want to cry but in a I've made it, relieved, happy kind of way. Like I said, it was completely overwhelming. After giggling at the other foreign girls, not sure what to say, we slowly begin to realise it's ok to talk, that we're not breaking any rules if we start talking and then it starts, the chatter. We share stories of our experiences, and talk and talk and talk. We laugh, mostly, about each others habits, that try hard as you may to not notice, you can't help it. I am introduced to Kamala, my roomie. There are about twenty of us in this almost army barraks like room. It's one long building divided up into smaller 'rooms' with thin walls. There are two people in each 'room' and Kamala, whom I met, but didn't introduce myself to, on the first day is my roomie. Kamala had indeed warned me, but she and other girls in the room provided great entertainment with their sleep talking. For those nights that I couldn't sleep, which was most, I would be thankful when three of them would start talking in their own languages, quite amusing.

Girls, being girls, enjoyed conversation after conversation about Vipassana and life and how we saw our lives now with Vipassana. We laughed about the cushion and seating positions of some of the girls and shared stories of breakdowns (it was nice to know I wasn't the only one). We enjoyed lunch and tea whilst sharing a conversation, although as soon as you can talk you start complaining, habit, and sure enough we were all discussing the food we liked and didn't like, which days before we'd just been grateful to consume. We enjoyed being able to leave our 'area' and be in the company of others, who happened to be men, and we enjoyed the freedom of today's slightly altered time table. We still had the group meditation sessions at 2.30-3.30 and 7-8, but we also had a book exhibition and a discourse during the day, followed by a documentary about Vipassana in Inian prisons; a true example of how beneficial this technique can be in unbelievably dire situations. As mentioned before, we girls were thoroughly enjoying our conversations and were still talking when the lights were finally turned off at 11pm!

Day 11-The routine remained the same. We still had to wake at 4, only this morning was different. This morning we actually greeted each other with a smile and a 'good morning', we said excuse me as we passed one another in the bathroom, and thank you if someone held the door open. It was still strange, but this morning we felt like normal people, normal people with a fantastic new take on life. Meditation today was equally as wonderful as yesterday. I felt so light and free and enjoyed the morning session. After breakfast it was pretty much time to leave, it was again a strange feeling. Leaving the place where I'd learnt so much, let so much go. But it was definitely time for the real world. After some final washing of the sheets, we packed our things and said goodbye.

Thankfully I had some wonderful people to ease me back into the real world. Thanks to Rebecca, Heather, Ciara and John, for accompanying me to Pumpernickle for much much thought about brownie and hot chocolate, it was much appreciated.

The day, re entering into society was an interesting one. It was difficult and not as easy as I'd first expected. I pretty much spent the day in my room 'reflecting' on the past ten, and re organising my bag. This is what I summed up:

Not talking for ten days was easy. I mean, for those who really know me, on a grumpy day I could just about go without talking to anyone anyway.

I am crazy, like totally crazy. I always knew that the other voice in my head, telling me not to say things before I blurted them out (kind of like Nina on Offspring) was there, but I didn't quite know how prominent it could be. But I guess we're all crazy and in those first few days I got a snipit of just how 'crazy' I could be.

I had conversations with just about all of you. I recapped over previous conversations and made up new scenarios in which to have future conversations with you and that was only the beginning.

I enjoyed recapping over my favourite tv shows, mainly Offspring, playing both Nina and Patrick during heated arguments.

I dreamt up new recipes. Decided on new places to live. Envisioned myself as a successful musician. Envisioned myself living as a female version of a baba, in the desert, alone, with my own thoughts, yes somehow I don't think that would work.

I painfully experienced step by step movie like visions of just about everyone close to me dying...the disease or accident, the viewing of the body, the funeral, my speech (the emphasis was always on my speech). Yes, morbid I know. But there was this horrifying recurrance of these death thoughts. I was positive that once I'd finished the course I'd find out someone close to me had died. Luckily enough only new life came into mine after the course, welcome Lucy Mae Cole 😊

I then had thoughts, of course it's only logical, of whether or not they'd inform me of said close person's death, I mean wouldn't that interfere with the technique. blah. concentrate on your breathing Hannah.

I had many thoughts about writing this blog actually, but they'd always disappear and so the next day I'd start again. I had planned to simple write one word for every day, well that was just a thought 😉

One thing Vipassana taught me is that I can be judgmental. I mean we all can be. That and whilst my OCD seems to be fairly well under wraps, I've got quite the thing for people 'annoying' me. What I learnt, and I will forever be thankful for Vipassana for, is you have to understand and accept everyone for who they are. You have to forgive people for talking too loudly, or sneezing or coughing constantly, you have to understand with compassion and love that the old lady behind you who's constantly clearing her throat and coughing without covering her mouth is simply 'ignorant', she's sick and she doesn't know any better. The perfect example would have to be the chinese girl sleeping across from me, who unfortunately for her, was rather unwell during her stay. During days 1-3 I was getting agitated every time she coughed, and then Goenka told us that if we're agitated it's our own fault, something inside of us is manifesting and causing us to create an aversion towards said coughing. On day 5, Goenka told us we must look to these people with love and compassion, and from then on, every time she coughed I felt sorry for her. She couldn't help that she was coughing so much she sounded like she was a barking dog. She couldn't help it that she was too ignorant to cover her mouth. She couldn't help it that every time she coughed without covering her mouth she was spreading germs and infecting innocent people like me...ok I might have a little way to go on that one 😉

I have never been so clean or well groomed in my life. I brushed my teeth at least six times a day, yep I almost went through a whole tube of toothpaste, it's a good time waster. I gave myself a mini pedicure nearly every day. I washed my face at least three times a day and plucked my eyebrows and shaved my legs numerous times throughout the week. It was safe to say I was in good form!

Running up stairs was not necessarily prohibited even though jogging was, but it definitely passed time and kept me sane.

I felt very special once I'd found my little hide out on the roof of one of the accommodation buildings. I could see down the hills to Kathmandu. I may or may not have had thoughts about the city whilst standing on a concrete pillar.

I think that i'm quite good at washing laundry by hand, including sheets, although the locals don't agree. I had at least three different women on different ocassions, even though they weren't supposed to, loan me soap, or show me how to wash 'properly'.

I've never done more un necessary hand washing in my life. I washed everything in my bag, like twice.

Vipassana has taught me many things about myself, mainly, how much pain I can cause myself simply through acting on a craving or an aversion. It has taught me self discipline and a technique that if used in daily life can change you, change your life, for the better.

Vipassana makes sense, and I mentioned this before. But ever since I was a wee lass, I've always believed there was something out there that would make me make sense. I've always been searching for it, but have often questioned that maybe there isn't an answer to stopping that silly voice inside your head that makes you act on cravings and creates misery, maybe this is the way I have to live, with the obessive compulsive, over think everything kind of mind, but Vipassana has taught me a new technique. Dhamma. The truth within. There is no need to think un necessary thoughts, discuss them with your friends, and turn them into something that they never were. With Dhamma, you realise it simply is what it is. I could go on and on, but basically, if you like any of what you've read, you should give Vipassana a go, everyone needs to experience it, just once, because I honestly believe you can't leave without having learned something.

I'm not a changed person, I'm a changing person, and already Vipassana has helped me overcome situations in which I typically would have, well 'lost it'. I would have created a big story in my head,made it into a bigger deal than in was, give it a spark by telling someone about it, give it another spark by telling someone else about it, create aversion in my head and so the misery begins, but instead, I just told myself, it is what it is. It is impermanent. They are ignorant. Remain equanimous. It will pass, and it did. Ahhhh Anicha.



Vipassana, the potential to be life changing. An amazingly challenging experience that everyone should experience. Ten days of silent meditation and looking within complete. A very proud moment.

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Photos

the meditation hall
where I spent ten hours of my day. My seat was the last row on the right side, perfect for an easy escape!