Lonely Friday

---

It is Friday. I'm sitting in my apartment alone and for the first time since I've arrived, I feel a twinge of loneliness. I have no radio, no TV, and no one to really call. I went to the State Department Store and spent too much money. I will have to be careful. I won't be going back there, it is very overpriced, even in American dollars. I'm tired of reading and staring at my computer screen but I have little else to do.

Earlier as I walked home I realized that there is something very freeing about being amongst strangers that you don't understand and who don't understand you. You notice more things about people. The way they dress, the way they walk, but you also notice more about yourself too. There is less distraction in the sense that you are surrounded by a majority of nonsensical ideas and concepts. But interspersed are little nuggets of English. In fact, so many brand names exist in UB that its like being in an extremely warped version of a city back home. So I notice more about myself and notice how unhappy I have spent the last year, laboring over things that in the greater picture aren't as important as I thought they were. There is a sadness that comes with that and a loneliness that cannot be articulated amongst strangers. I suppose this is all very normal. Traveling alone I think can be much harder than having a friend of companion with you to share any sense of disillusionment or confusion. Instead, my thoughts are my own.

I used to be someone who really liked being alone but over the last year, I think that has changed quite a bit. I've come to rely more on the people around me and have stopped isolating myself from things that are difficult. Meeting new people and making friends was always difficult for me. Not in the sense that people don't like me or that I don't like people, but the number of people who get to peek inside my inner most thoughts is frighteningly small. I think this is true for a lot of people. And at home, that was okay but on the other side of the world I do feel a longing for people who know me and who really care about my inner workings. But I told myself when I decided to do this that I needed to do this and I still think this was the right thing to do. I've gotten disconnected from my true self and being on my own and figuring out how to live a life in a new place has always been an effective way of relearning how to listen to myself. At least for me anyway. I think it's just hard to constantly meet new people and remember names and acclimate to a strange place. I think my brain is just tired right now and tired of stuffing new information into it.

Sitting in this apartment I suddenly feel old and tired. When I was in high school, moving about and doing whatever I pleased was much easier. I don't know if I'm co-dependent or something and I haven't decided if that's even a good or a bad thing. My brain is filled with strange thoughts.

But enough mental masturbation, tomorrow I will meet Carrie and we will go to a yard sale where I can hopefully get some hand towels for this apartment. Or something to clean with anyway. And on Sunday I will go to Sukhbaatar Square and take pictures and go to the museums there. Hopefully the weather is as beautiful then as it is today. Sunny and warm.
I guess I just miss home and the smell of my own sheets, the smell of familiar places. Ah, it will all look better in the morning. It always does.

Ah one thing before I forget: on my way home I saw two individuals signing in the street. This is the second time I have seen Deaf Mongolians and it was very hard not to stare in utter fascination. This must mean there is a deaf school of some sort in UB and I must do more research because if there is, I think I will make a point of trying to arrange a visit there.

---