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Published: August 7th 2007
Vang Vieng
The beautiful side of a very two sided townEvery action adventure needs a hero, and in Laos, a hero has been born. AC360 is an alter ego who’s middle name would be danger, if he had one (Ant Carr, all round action hero, to spell it out). We weren’t to know it, but we were about to embark on the most ludicrously adrenaline and adventure packed week possible. And it all began in Vang Vieng, a town where east meets west in a hideous, jarring way. Beautiful limestone cliffs and the most picture perfect images of Asia are accompanied by a Magaluf-style soundtrack of pissed up tourists, shocking music pounding out of giant speakers and TVs, with every restaurant in town churning out episodes of Friends and The Simpsons as if their lives depended on it. But Vang Vieng is also host to tons of outdoor activities, as well as ‘happy’ options on every menu, and so all these features, no matter how crass, all seem to work. Some people call Vang Vieng Disney Laos, and it’s pretty easy to see why. The one main street is awash with brightly lit restaurants, about 3000 of them, each with about 2 comatose and caned customers monging out in front of
the TV. Those that aren’t monging are usually embarking on some of the millions of activities on offer.
We started lightly, with a day of kayaking and caving. The kayaking was tame, and we spent most of our time either paddling sideways or marooning ourselves in the middle of the very low Nam Xang River. The caving was altogether different. No need for ropes or helmets in Laos, and torches? - torches smorches! The guidebooks actually suggest you can explore these caves alone. You can, if you want to die a horrible and lonely death. The caves around Vang Vieng are massive, with more routes than one of Wogan’s wigs. Armed with candles we descended dripping wet steps like a group of intrepid carol singers, plunging into the dark dampness and duly steaming upon impact with the cooler moist air. It’s hard to remember what happened in there, and we couldn’t see much apart from a lot of stalactites and stalagmites and deep holes cunningly hidden amongst the shadows. We crawled through two caves, the second of which provided shelter for the people of Vang Vieng when marauding Chinese were running about during the Indo China wars. The only
Pineapples
They grow on the ground - mental! route into this cave was by wading through chest-high ice-cold water with bags raised above our heads in true Indiana Jones style. Ok, maybe it was more Bridget Jones.
The next day we embarked on yet more caving as well as Vang Vieng’s speciality, tubing. Tubing is where all the pissed up lager fuelled loutishness comes into play. Hundreds of people arm themselves with inner tubes and float downstream. Along the way are eight bars, where barmen (blokes with long poles and cool boxes full of Beerlao) pull you to the shore. At each stop there is also a flying fox or some kind of swing - either option sees you swing at high speed and from great heights into the river. By bar three, most people are wankered and stop for at least an hour to throw themselves off the 10m high swing. The previous day, while kayaking, we’d encountered this vast bar/disco/machismo demonstration arena and AC360, man of action and adventure had come to the fore. Dive one had been ok, but on dive two I attempted a backflip. All was going swimmingly until I opened my eyes to see where the water was. It was about
AC360
Moments later, AC360 met the river - with his face 3 inches away and I face smacked the water face first and eyes open. It smarted, but AC360 is a man of iron, and was back on the swing moments later. I’d decided not to drink and dive for the tubing session, having predictably seen one western bloke in a wheelchair outside the town’s hospital, so got most of my dives out of the way on day one. So the tubing was merely a drinking experience, and a jolly nice one it was too. It took about 4 hours to float 3km downriver whereas the hardened drinkers manage it in about 8-9 hours.
Tubing day was also the day we picked up a couple of partners in crime, Gareth and Sarah, good fellow northerners, who it turned out we spent all of the next 8 days with. We were all terribly sensible and got back to land relatively sober. We found time to catch up with Jenny's old flat mate Monika and made it right through to the Champions League Final which kicked off at 1.30am - more memorable for the restaurant hosting the game becoming an extension of Liverpool, minus the perms and petty theft - probably.
Tubers
Pissed people in innner tubes on a river - marvellous We had one final day in Vang Vieng where we were able to get away from the crowds at a quiet little swimming hole before heading to the more chilled surrounds of Luang Prabang. We tried, in vein, to get the local bus to Luang Prabang, trying to avoid the tourist 'VIP' buses, which make you feel like you are on a school trip. But it was virtually impossible to get any information about local buses as almost everyone in town had commission to be gained from herding you onto the tourist bus. In the end we succumbed too.
It’s fair to say that Luang Prabang is easily the prettiest place we’ve visited so far. Also the sleepiest. Little did we know, but it was also to be the place where Ant’s dream of riding an elephant was to be fulfilled (thanks Jacqui)! In a nutshell, we rode an elephant and it was brill, and Ant sat on the head of ours and that was brill too. Except for the fact that an elephant’s head from above looks like a massive pair of grey bollocks between your legs.
It was a shame we didn’t have more time to
AC360 - at the waterfall
Danger, excitement and short shorts are all my middle names chill in Luang Prabang, but we did manage to spend half a day at a waterfall which was like something out of the Blue Lagoon. We clambered to the top, and ignoring the ‘Danger Do Not Enter’ signs, found ourselves a fab spot for a powerful head massage under the cascading water. The journey back was even more eventful however, as our taxi van encountered a problem and Ant and Gareth took turns sticking their hands in the engine to do the work of the knackered pump. The 25km journey took two hours and we all stank of petrol by the end.
The next stage of the journey was to be a two day journey up the Mekong to the border (Thai) town of Houey Xai. The journey had been described as anything from hideous to unmissable, and thankfully fell in the unmissable bracket for us. After a stand off with a ticket merchant for a reduced fare, where our growing posse picked up another member in Steve from Nottingham, we took our unfathomably small seats and prepared to relax. Within about 30 minutes everyone’s arses had gone numb on the wooden seats, which had enough leg room and
Feeding time
Jenny (left) and Nae Som width for Laos people, who are approximately one eighth the size of Jenny (left) and Nae Somus. But the scenery was outstanding, and the Mekong blew our minds. It also almost blew our hull. On day 2, just as we were nearing the end of the journey, the boat drivers cracked open the Laolao to celebrate. Minutes later the engine ran out of fuel. It was the first time anyone in Laos has ever run, as the crew hurried to secure the boat to some nearby rocks. It’s fair to say that if we hadn’t had been able to moor ourselves to the rocks, we would have been swept downstream and met some other rocks with a bit more force. Still, we didn’t and we made it to Houay Xai with plenty of time to find a bed for the night.
Our purpose in Houay Xai was to meet an appointment we had with the Gibbon Experience. In spite of being booked on it for weeks, and speaking with people who had been on it, we still had no idea what it was. The people in the Gibbon Office weren’t much good at making things any clearer, so for
AC360 wrestling a bear
Don't try this at home. AC360 is specially trained to play with bears the sake of anyone reading this to find out more about it, here’s what it is.
An area of jungle in the Bokeo Nature Reserve is open to tourists. But rather than explore it all on foot, tourists can traverse valleys along zip wires up to 150m above ground and 1km in length. There are five tree houses where people sleep and eat, and zip lines and paths link routes between the tree houses which are all at canopy level. We found all this out as we went along as no one really took the time to explain it clearly before. We had a great group, with Steve, Gareth and Sarah who had changed their plans to stick around for the Gibbon Experience, and a German couple. And it certainly would have been an amazing experience, but for the fact that AC360 is shit scared of heights. After a morning of perilous 4x4ing, we hiked to a hut where we met our harnesses, along with a baby bear (not very eco-friendy Gibbon Experience people). We also met our guides, who we nicknamed Mel and Shay Gibbon. A short walk later and we came across a length of metal strapped
Jenny leaving the treehouse
I think tears of fear were shed on this descent to a tree which disappeared into the distance. One by one we strapped ourselves onto the metal and ran into the unknown. The word ‘Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!’ preoccupied most of our thoughts, but the views were like nothing else. Bear in mind that we both bailed on the 1st floor of the Eiffel Tower just a few months ago…this didn’t come naturally to us. Several zip lines and terrifying high rise platforms later, we flung ourselves towards our tree house, which dangled 100m above the forest floor. Jenny was more comfortable in the tree house, but I coped less well with our ‘home’ than the zip lines. Our guides buggered off without letting us know what was next, so we all sat about for a few hours contemplating such joys as death by falling and the plague of bees swarming around the toilet. Our dinner swung in on another zip line, clutched by a guy who spotted a giant green snake in the neighbouring tree, which he duly dispatched, sending the 2m long beast crashing to the jungle floor. Snakes, spiders, bees and bites preoccupied everyone’s minds, but for us the worst thing was knowing that the only way out was to
trust our harnesses and drop off that 100m high tree house in the morning. Somehow we did it, and spent a full day hiking and zipping around the jungle. It didn’t get any easier, and the buzz was equalled by absolute fear and dread. What for some people is the greatest experience ever, was for us, a bit of an endurance test. I’m not ashamed to say I was terrified for 36 hours non stop, and was glad to leave. Glad of the experience, but glad to be back on solid ground. We had asked the girl in the Gibbon office how people who suffer from vertigo coped and she told me that some people actually conquer their fear of heights. Bollocks. If you’re knees and hands are shaking uncontrollably, there’s no way that you can eliminate that, the best you can do is face your fears, but conquering them probably isn’t on the cards. Not even if you’re AC360! The Gibbon Experience is good, but it could be great. It’s made out to be this uber eco-friendy experience, but the guides have a ‘pet’ baby bear. Still, I can’t argue, I spent an hour playing with it! We didn’t see any Gibbons either, but I don’t think anyone was too fussed about that.
We were sad to say goodbye to Sarah, Gareth and Steve, who had become good mates through an emotional few days. But we were heading northeast, away from the tourist trail. It was high time we sat on the edge of a road with our backpacks with no idea what time, if at all, the next bus would come. And that’s just what we did.
We’re now up to date and sitting in the town of Luang Nam Tha, only about 30 miles from China. The plan now is to be the only Falangs (tourists) on the bus from now on and see the more relaxing side of Laos. AC360 needs his rest, and we need to check out the slower side of this country which we are falling in love with.
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Great report!
Hi guys, busy planning my Laos trip for February and it was great to read your blog, considering it is exactly what I am looking at doing! Great reading.. thanks