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Published: January 11th 2007
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Mori Towers, Roppongi Hills
The spiders in Tokyo are feckin' huge. Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today to bid farewell to Tokyo and ultimately to begin the long journey back to whence we came... China.
What you now read is less a blog and more some final, fleeting musings on Japan. I think I shall make use of my newly invented web term: "blogette" - not quite a blog but blog like in its qualities.
This blogette is an assortment of bumpf collected over our times here, but mostly it is a celebration of the fantastical time we have had here and is, in particular an ode to my favourite city of all time (yes, even surpassing Dundee). I witter of course about Tokyo...
I'll let the city do the talking...
Weird stuff you might read in Tokyo:
On a packet of biscuits... "The sky looks beautiful. Clouds appear whiter than usual. All grass and flowers are looking shining. I am in the mood to enjoy deliciousness."
On a sports holdall bag... "This collection is selected and coordinated by sensible persons. This is the latest mode and this product is aimed to suit the general public."
On clothing... "Angel potato"
On
Bob Meets...
...one of the most famous Sho Do teachers in Tokyo. Sho Do is the art of caligraphy. This is one of her works - a Chinese poem about a stream... I think. The gentleman on the left is one of her students. the front of a kids sweatshirt: "Election Day Runner Up" and in large bold red letters on the back: "ERECTION"
Weird stuff you can hear:
The Japanese have a fondness of microphones and loudhailers unrivalled by any country we have visited to date...
Eidleweiss Throughout the country you will know what time it is as piped muzak style melodies are emitted from speakers attached to telegraph poles at 11am, noon and 5pm seven days a week. Don't think you can escape it by heading for the hills or countryside. They put speakers on mountain tops, in fields, in woods and even on the peaks of remote volcanoes.
Auld Lang Syne This wasn't just to make us feel at home or to trick us into thinking everyday was hogmanay but a gentle (?) hint at telling you to go home because that particular shop, museum, castle or park was closing for the day and to please get oot.
Irasshaimase You have to hear this to understand it. When you enter a shop all the staff will shout "Irasshaimasen" which means "Welcome". But it won't be one or two who will shout it - they all
Bob Meets...
...one of the most famous Ikebana teachers in Tokyo. Ikebana is the art of flower arrangement. This is an exhibition of her students work. will. And not in a normal voice... its ultra high pitched in a cartoon voice. Sometimes they just narrow it to "'shaimaseeeeeeeeeeen". It cracks me up. I love it. I call them the "Shaimasen Girls" and they made every trip to the shops worthwhile.
Nee naw, new naw, get oot the way ye pillock Ambulance drivers have a headset attached to the loud speakers and can abuse drivers who don't get out the way. Others just seem to like to shout and chunter even when there's nobody about.
Bowing
The thing we are going to miss most about Japan is the bowing. It is the loveliest custom ever. It's not so prevelant in Tokyo but everywhere else pretty much everyone spends a large portion of their day bowing at everyone else. Which starts a crazy chain reaction of 'how low can you go' bowing as everyone wants to show that they think their buddies are better than them and this is done by bowing lower than the person you are bowing at.
The most dangerous form of bowing is that done by drivers. If for example, you display an act of kindness and let a car pull out
Bob Meets...
...one of the most famous Tea Ceremony teachers in Tokyo. Apparently I'm a natural when it comes to accepting tea. Its all in the knees. of a junction rather than walk infront of it, the driver will bow - you will bow back and as the driver pulls out into the road he/she will continue bowing until only their scalp is visible at the wheel and essentially means that they are driving without looking. But, in the perfect world which is Japan, miraculously we witnessed no crashes...
Thanks Japan. But before we bid you farewell, in the spirit of Japanese karaoke I thought we'd finish with a song. Altogether now...
Heated seats on toilets and Christmas sales on kittens
Internet cafe booths and socks worn like mittens
Gift wrapped packages don't need no string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Japanese Elvis phonies and leather jackets on poodles,
Irrashaimasen and Eidleweiss and daikon with noodles
Wild monkeys poo on your shoe certainly clings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in short dresses and perverts and flashers,
Products for stretching your smile and bulking eye-lashes,
Terrible renditions by men who can't sing,
These are a few of my favorite things,
When the dog is for dinner,
When the beer is thinner,
If China makes me sad,
Fancy a brew?
This ain't PG Tips baby. I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.
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Transport info....
Is the extraordinary bus stop for a re-ee-aa-lly extraordinary No. 50- or can anyone use it? - and the Audi building's far oot......want to get the window cleaning contract....