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Happy again :)
Celebrating at a family wedding - the weekend before my big tripI’m off to Indonesia for 8 weeks of sun, sea, exploration, adventure and ‘me time.’ I’m indulging in travel blog – but it’s more than that, it’s a declaration – my ‘coming out’ so to speak. I have something to share.
My last blogging experience was 8 years ago (
https://www.travelblog.org/Bloggers/Lauren-on-the-move) I was 22 and off to travel ‘the world’. I was fresh out of university with no idea what to do next, so jetting off with a backpack seemed like a sensible way forwards. It was.
Now, at the ‘grand old’ age of 30 I find myself in a somewhat different place in life, but once again about fly across the globe just me and my backpack. Why?
I work in mental health policy and like many others I have experienced mental and physical health problems.
I’ll start with a disclaimer – I will not be discussing government or party policy or commenting on the NHS within this blog.
I am but one of many. Around 1 in 4 of us will experience a mental health problem in any one year. Yes, really, 1 in 4. Look around you, do the maths. If you think that you don’t have family, friends and colleagues who are affected by mental health difficulties then I invite you to think again. Mental health problems are mainstream and I know many wonderful and successful people who like me have experienced them.
So why is this not talked about more? Why do we hide it? Sadly, because for many years our society and culture has stigmatised mental health problems, shaming those suffering from
normal illnesses and causing them, and those around them, to hide or play down their experiences for fear of very real prejudice and discrimination. This should not be the case. The good news is that the tide is turning and people are beginning to speak up. Have you heard of
Time to Change? It’s England's biggest programme to challenge mental health stigma and discrimination. Its aim is to start conversations – to empower people with mental health problems to feel confident talking about the issue without facing discrimination and to get the rest of the population who know someone with a mental health problem to talk about it too. On their website you can find
blogs and personal stories.
So, after many years, I’m finally talking.
My experience So what does this mean to me and my reasons for jetting off to Indonesia? Well I have hidden my health difficulties for years. Since I was 16 I have struggled with difficulties with sleep and chronic fatigue. I have had three periods of my life when insomnia, exhaustion, depression and – as I understand now – anxiety – hit me with brutal force, undermining my life as I knew it and my happiness at that time. I felt like I had lost control of myself; I was trapped in a vicious downward cycle that I didn’t really understand and I was scared. Yet despite it all I carried on with study, work and everything that I could.
It has taken me a very long time to understand the basis behind my health difficulties; the causes, sustaining factors, available treatments and self-management strategies. A defining point for me was just over three years ago when, after years of exploratory interactions with the health service and during a particularly bad patch, I ended up in the right place at the right time to receive a diagnosis –
chronic fatigue syndrome.I remember reading abook on CFS and it described me. Believe it or not this was a good thing; to finally have an explanation after years of wondering what was wrong with me was such a relief. Through cognitive behavioural therapy I came to understand and accept my ‘condition’ and learn how to manage it better. I regained my health, sense of control and self esteem. I became ‘me’ again.
The fear of talking about it So did I feel able to tell everybody? No.
I was scared. It felt too risky. My family and closest friends knew, but having to tell my line manager at that time felt so incredibly difficult. I felt like I was admitting weakness. I was not. I was admitting that I’m human. Those of you who know me well know that I am ambitious and able. I have hated having to balance this with the challenges I face and I didn’t want others to wrongly doubt my capabilities. I am happiest and at my best when busy and challenged. In applying for and working within competitive graduate programmes – of which I’ve done two – I was forever pushing for more development opportunities and promotion. I feared that if I spoke about my chronic fatigue then I would face prejudice that would undermine available opportunities and my career progression.
So why am I telling you this now? Because I believe that it is important. Social change is brought about by people who put their head above the parapet to challenge the status quo. Now it’s my turn and I feel able to because:
1. Six years into my career I have clearly demonstrated my ability to deliver and perform highly. To speak up when you’re first starting out feels far more difficult because you have less ‘evidence’ to counter prejudice. This is a challenge that many young people face, particularly since half of mental illness in adult life (excluding dementia) starts before age 15 and 75%!b(MISSING)y age 18.
2. Working in mental health policy has increased my confidence. Is it right that I work on behalf of others but am not prepared to talk about my own experiences? It’s time for me to walk the talk.
3. Finally, because life recently took an unexpected turn, I lost my health and then my partner - and the life that I thought we would lead together.
“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.”
― Vivian Greene Weathering storms Life ran away with me. By that I mean that I was busy living – a new and busy job alongside moving in with my (ex) boyfriend, many hobbies and interests, doing so much despite of - and exacerbating - consistent sleep deprivation and related stress and anxiety. Then insomnia came along and knocked me for six. The depression and increased anxiety quickly followed. I felt like someone had rewired my mind and emotions. I felt horrendous every day, utterly exhausted, over emotional, distressed, miserable and trapped. I hid it from everyone bar my boyfriend, and carried on and achieved so much during this time - as I slipped ever more into ill health and depression.
Then I watched the man I love, with whom I had planned a life and a future, question our relationship and distance himself. I told him that I was still me underneath it all and fighting hard, but that I was unwell, trapped and not ‘the real me’ right now. Shortly after I hit complete burn out he left – breaking my heart and bringing my world crashing down around me. I was and still am deeply hurt but I understand and do not blame him. He tried so hard to help and support me but in the end it was too much and he lost faith in me and us. He chose a different life. Health difficulties within a relationship can be as difficult upon the supporting partner as they are on the one who’s afflicted. It is a difficult and painful truth in my experience but an important one to acknowledge.
Rising above it and growing stronger It is in times of crisis we can realise just how much we have in life. I am blessed to have an amazing and incredibly strong and supportive network of family and friends. They came to my aid, held me together, listened and helped me work through the grief. I owe them great thanks. Sadly not everyone in life is so lucky – I think of this when I pass people living on the streets. How do they find the strength to face each day in the midst of such rejection and indifference?
It is also in difficult times that we realise we are far stronger than we think. I take my hat off to anyone who has gone through a mental health breakdown or the breakdown of a loving relationship, or in my case both, and come through it. It is brutally and agonisingly painful and at times soul destroying. But I know from meeting and observing others around me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that there is always hope. Life moves on and new opportunities present themselves. We take a different path.
Healthy strength I believe that it can be the same for health. I have turned a corner and I feel stronger for it. I am now speaking openly about my health and have been met with support, respect, understanding and kindness from many. I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed, I am proud. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of everything I have achieved despite these difficulties. I am proud that I feel able to speak about this and that I will never give up on what I want and hope for in life. I know that I will face some prejudice, but I’m willing to challenge it, and I hope that in doing so I can help others to do the same.
I recently attended a
Mental Health First Aid course, which teaches people how to identify, understand and help a person who may be developing or has a mental health issue. I couldn’t recommend it more highly. I was privileged to meet and befriend others who are passionate about raising awareness of mental health felt able to share their personal experiences of mental health problems. It was empowering.
I feel that I have closed one chapter of my life and am starting another. At my sister’s wedding this weekend I felt nothing but joy, love, energy and gratitude. I am happy to say that after a challenging six months I am finally happy and me again, and it feels amazing J.
Indonesia awaits So, about this travel malarkey… I’m taking some time out for me - to live, venture, explore play and revive. I fly in and out of Bali and the rest is to be worked out as I go J On my list are ‘me activities’ - diving, snorkelling, surfing, swimming, hiking, exploring, meeting new people - along with some ‘new me activities’ - meditation and yoga - to learn to cultivate a calmer, healthier mind. I am learning mindfulness and self compassion. Since the break up, I’ve had a daily mantra which I have found to be invaluable:
1. Be grateful every single day 2. Never take anything or anyone for granted 3. Let go of the things you cannot control and do not help you 4. Live in the moment and look for the positives and opportunities 5. Always have hope and never give up 6. Be kind and compassionate to yourself and others 7. Go with the flow If you are still reading, you’ve made it to the end of what will be my longest blog entry. If you’re interested, feel free to follow my mini adventure through subsequent posts – and if not, I won’t be offended, I’ll see you when I get back.
The key to life is understanding that it is not locked To Bali…
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Alan
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An Indonesian adventure
Thanks Lauren for your blog and honest openness...I wish you "fair winds" for your journey through Indonesia and through life. I too believe that openness and honesty about mental health is important and is part of a better life for all and a better society. For too long individuals and their families and friends have suffered. It is indeed Time to Change. Best wishes :-)