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Published: February 18th 2009
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Chandni Chowk to China
Crime Against Humanity coming soon to a theater near you. In my quest to learn Hindi properly, I have watched more Hindi cinema
1 in the last few weeks than possibly my whole life up until this point. And I can't get enough of it. My Hindi is only marginally improving, but I press forward.
It started the first weekend in Calcutta. My cousin and sister-in-law took me to Chandni Chowk to China, which I expect to be named a crime against humanity in a matter of weeks. As my cousin noted quizzically afterwards, "You would think there would be at least one person at Warner Brothers who was actually supposed to read the script." If there was, may the gods have mercy on him.
CCtoC was the tale of potato seller in Mumbai who hoped for bigger things, which he communicated by shrieking nonstop into the camera. The potato seller had a crooked Chinese-Indian guru named Chopstick who somehow convinced some visiting Chinamen that our hero was the avatar of an old Chinese warrior who could protect the visiting Chinamen against the big bad Chinese guy who terrorized their village and chopped off offenders' heads with a flying bladed derby. The Chinamen invited hero to China to protect them,
Sharukh Khan and Opening Day
I am not sure why this guy is hanging a garland on this movie poster. For luck on opening day? Is SK a god to this guy? I did make the pilgrimage to his house in Mumbai, and caught a glimpse of his balcony! It was awesome. And totally dignified in every way. Chopstick lies to hero about why they are going and the adventure begins! There are also half Indian-half Chinese ridiculously hot twin girls who were separated at birth by the big bad Chinese guy, one of which who was a model/actress who grew up in India and other who was a diamond smuggler/kung fu warrior princess raised in China by the bad guy with the killer hat. The father of the twins used to be an upstanding policeman who ran afoul of the bad guy, and went crazy after he lost both his twin girls and wife one morning. There is also the hero's father, Sr. potato seller, who entered scene after scene trying to kick some sense into the hero, to no avail
until it was too late. This is their story. And, as of now, an effective, legal alternative to waterboarding.
As the movie went on, Jesus wept. And I began to notice the elements of what makes hindi cinema so captivating. There is actually a science to these things that, when executed even half way properly, will melt the hearts of any sentient being. You must have a hot hero paired with an
even hotter heroine, both of whom are inclined to dance with hundreds of (increasingly white) extras in unison at a moment's notice. Sometimes in the rain. Regardless of whether the songs fit into the plot or not. There must be one or two scenes that appeal to familial devotion, filial piety and/or the plea of a parent. This can also be supplemented or replaced by a stirring speech about India or the people of India or how the salt of the earth villagers are what sustain India. The hero and heroine will get together at the end.
2 Family, love, success, good music, good triumph over evil.
Luckily, the movies I saw after CCtoC were a vast improvement. I saw a few hugely "typical" movies which were fun (all seemed to star Sharukh Khan for some reason), and as well as a few more "independent", thinking man's films. My understanding of the high(er) Hindi used in movies increased from 20-30%!t(MISSING)o probably closer to 40-60%!b(MISSING)y the time I left. This may be wishful thinking, but we'll stick with it.
The hilarious part is that the openly emotionally-manipulative scenes "produced for the masses" were absolutely effective even on a
cold-hearted, sophisticated woman of the world
3 such as myself. I cannot tell you the number of times I was horrified to feel tears pricking the back of my eyeballs, as I blinked rapidly hoping that those sitting near me would think I was just yawning in boredom. Yes, I know these scenes are brutally sentimental and designed to bring me to my knees, thank you. Nothing to see here, these tears are for humanity. And the children.
I will be continuing my Hindi cinema love back in the states by any means possible, even if I have to drive an hour south of my current location to watch the shimmying Indians in the rain.
1. I am preferring the term Hindi Cinema over Bollywood. Less colonial, and all that.
2. The hero and heroines have started kissing on-screen now! On the lips! My tiniest cousin kindly covered my eyes when this scandalous behavior unfolded in front of me. My sister -in-law in Houston also reported that she and her friends were shocked, SHOCKED, when they saw kissing on-screen. What is the world coming to?
3. Stop laughing.
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