up North - week 1.

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After taking a cab from our hotel to the Airport and getting charged 100 extra rupees for the air conditioning that the drive suggested, Magee and I were ready for a relaxing trip North. Two meals, two flights, two open exit rows. A second cab driver awaited our arrival as we walked out of the airport and into the Delhi air. The drive should have taken maybe 20 minutes to our hotel, but it took almost an hour as we got our first taste of Delhi traffic - things are a little different up north. We passed cars, trucks, motorcycles, auto-rickshaws, bicycle-rickshaws, bicycles, and enough animals to fill an ark - dogs, cats, horses, goats, cows, camels and elephants.

We napped in the hotel before meeting our new group. The group consists of five from the UK, two from New Zealand, one from Switzerland, two from Canada, and us Americans. Our new group leader, Animesh aka Japanimation is a real stiff and runs the group like a boy scout leader except nerdier and Indian. With him he has brough two trainees - his devil and angel. Magee and I don't know their names but refer to the devil as Aquaman (short for Awkward Man) and the angel as Smiley. Aquaman makes us really uncomfortable on an hourly basis, as he says awkward things and flirts with us like a stalker. Smiley is a good guy but makes us uncomfortable when he hugs street kids with Leprosy and then eats with his hands.

The next day we started our trip with a tour of Old Delhi. We took the local metro, which was surprisingly nice and then found ourselves unleashed into the big city life. 15 feet out of the station we saw a woman pistol whipping her son with a toy gun and I think I got his blood spray on my white North Face shirt. Either that or it was his mom's red tobacco stained spit.

We sought refuge in a nearby Sikh mosque. Sikhism bans the lighters, matches, and all tobacco products from entering the mosque but apparently it doesnt say anything about 18-inch steel daggers or samurai swords - we were the only unarmed men in the mosque. We ended our visit with a look into the mosque's community kitchen and soon decided we wouldn't be joining them for the unhygenic lunch we were offered.

Instead Magee and I opted for a meal that remind us of home - or at least not give us food poisoning. We put our name down for a table for two with a host named Rocky at the local Pizza Hut. Our Pepsi's came in 30 seconds and then we spent the next hour waiting for our medium grilled chicken and pepper pizza. Probably 100 Indians were seated, served, and left before we got our pizza. BUT, we were able to see a really weird Indian/Pizza Hut tradition that almost made it worth the wait. A girl stood up on a table and announced to the entire restaurant that it was her birthday. Then the lights went dim and the waiters started chanting and surrounded her in a circle. Then one waiter brought out a bowl of ice cream and for at least 2 minutes waved it in front of her face as she tried to catch a lick of it. It ended up all over her face and by that time everyone seemed to be over it and back to their own meals..on their plates.

We took the metro back after waiting on a platform with easily 1000 people around us. We napped in and out of a Jodie Foster movie and America's Funniest Home Videos (which for some reason needed dubbing into Hindi) to rest up for our 5:30 train the next morning to Agra.

After four hours on the train we had a short walk to where a van was to pick us up. In between though, we had to pass two policeman beating rickshaw drivers with 4 foot sticks. Every swing and crunch, put a knot in my stomach. No parking means no parking.

We spent the day visiting Agra's most beautiful attractions. First, the Red Fort. No episode of Cribs has ever presented such an incredibly "pimped out" house. Its security system involved a moat with crocodiles and a ditch of lions and tigers. If you got past that you found yourself on an up hill slope as round boulders rolled towards you. In case you had time to dodge them, the walls on either side of the slope ejected boiling hot oil. Inside, the Maharaja had four hundred rooms for his concubines - 1 a day and 2 on saturdays. Next, he had a stocked fishing pool where he could fish from his throne in competition with the queen on the other side of the pool on her throne. Since he hated having to shout across the pool to trash talk he would have messengers run notes back and forth between them. After a long day of fishing and 'concubining' the king ended his day with a a bath in his perfume emitting fountain. Every room was filled with gold and diamonds and persian rugs...

Our evening led us to the most beautiful building I have ever seen. The Taj Mahal. Any description would fall miles short, but I can quite honestly say that every person in the world should be allowed the pleasure of visiting the Taj or "The greatest erection a man has ever had for a woman" as our old group member Bob called it. Not even the National Geographic worthy pictures I am bringing home will do its undescribably epic beauty justice.

The next day we headed to Bharatpur where we visited a ruined palace. It was nothing more than boring after the previous day's beauties. The only eventful thing that happened was a security guard chasing goats and beggars with rocks and more sticks. I actually saw the guy hold up a rock to the goat as if to say 'leave or i'm throwing it'. The goat didnt move - because its a goat and doesnt understand a threat - and took a baseball sized rock to the jugular.

That evening we visited a bird sanctuary where we saw turtles, antelope, iguanas, monkeys and yes a shit load of birds - from herons to love doves. Then we headed back to the hotel and waited another hour for a meal, but the night was far from over. Our guide told us that there was a fair going on in the local town and that it was a rare occasion and worthy of a visit.

That's when things got weird - this was no normal carnival. It seemed so familiar at first, with the ferris wheel, the balloon game, the ice cream cones and the carnies, but it was oh so different. This carnival had a lady with her face painted white and dancing on a stage because this village rarely ever saw a white face and it seemed exotic and intriguing to them. This carnival had a 6 legged dog - top 10 biggest mistakes of my life was paying 5 rupees (about 12 cents) to see it. This carnival was full of weird shit.

But through all of it? Magee and I were the main attraction - we were the freak show. Everywhere we walked there were 20 to 30 men standing around us just staring or taking pictures of us. The ones who gathered up the courage to talk to us and introduce themselves did so as if they'd been dared by their friends. We might as well have been Andre the Giant and Pamela Anderson the way the heads turned. For a few minutes it was fun but after a while it was overwhelming and we headed home with a crowd trailing behind us into the dark.

The next day we visited a small village that could only be visited by jeep. We passed a head on collision between a semi and a bus on the waym, making us feel even safer as we weaved on and off the road as cars sped towards us. After stopping twice to pick bags up that had fallen off of the jeep we made it to our hotel. And by hotel I mean castle. This was the real reason for the jeeps as we basically drove up a cliff face to get to the top of the mountain that the castle sat upon.

After a buffet lunch we took a walk down the mountain and into the local village. There I saw some of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. "The Children of the Millet" we called them as they appeared from the crop fields around the village. "One photo! One photo!" they begged seeing our cameras. One photo quickly turned into one thousand. Magee and I hopped a fence to chase down some kids playing cricket and they gave us a few swings each. We held our own but barely and only because we were playing with eleven year olds.

Soon after I was chased by a dozen or so little boys wanting photos and our plastic bottles (which the kids sell to vendors who refill them with tap water and resell them). Somehow we got into a game of simon says as they mimicked every random noise Magee or I could make. This somehow led to leading the kids in a uproarious version of YMCA. The kids loved it and had no idea what their arms over their heads or the words coming out of their mouths really meant. The Village People as played by village people..

As we walked back up the mountain to the castle we were welcomed with an incredible sunset. The biggest sun I've ever seen slowly fell beyond the mountains in the distance and really helped give us the energy needed for the dancing that the night would bring. Traditional dancing in traditional garb - traditional fun.

Now we are in Jaipur - the pink city. Yesterday we visited the local Amber fort and then saw a Bollywood movie - ChakDe, the tale of India's national women's field hockey team. We had to scalp tickets too because it was apparently one of India's most prestigious theatres. While we waited for the movie to begin a police truck pulled up outside the theatre and started seizing motorcycles that were parked illegally on the sidewalk - helmets and all.

Then Magee and I ditched the group dinner to get some real food. McDonalds. Two McChicken value meals - easily in the top 3 meals we have had in India. The golden arches never fail. 99 Billion served and that could be in India alone..

+ So we were just now alerted by our guide that we arent staying in this hotel tonight because we have to leave the city before morning. There is going to be a protest that is going to literally close off the entire city of Jaipur and that we will need to leave tonight if we want to be out at all. Safety first, weird shit second. To the other side of the world and back..

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