"No Wife, No Life"

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For the first time since arriving in India I break my policy of only giving away food or water and hand over the "sckoooolpen". Expectant eyes light up and the two kids throw the bikes to the floor and both grab for their reward.

As I re-mount my bike, tired, lost and sweating in the afternoon sun after cycling around the ruins of Vijayanagara, the now-ruined capital city of the historic South Indian Empire, I notice at least a dozen other children who had seen the exchange. They are fast approaching, and they too want "sckoooolpen". All of them...

And so, as I head for the villages around Hampi, through a giant landscape of giant boulders, lush paddies, banana plantations, weaving through the occasional herd of cows... I do so with the added exhilaration of being pursued for several miles by a gaggle of small Indian boys... "Sir, sir. Where. You. From... SCKOOOOLPEN!!!.

On my shitty one gear bike, I attempt to outrun the Indian Education Terrorists, all the while being taken over by cool, bearded Hippies driving roaring Royal Enfield Motorcycles and it occurs to me that the only way I could look less cool would be if I had a handkerchief wrapped around my head... Still, I manage to lose the little buggers. The only problem being that I am now lost. Again. Brilliant.

Still, I manage to find the fresh water lake and go for a swim. Initially a few Indian guys are washing their cloths on the bank but the Hippies have gone and I suddenly find myself all alone, tranquility and deafening silence only disturbed some 20 minutes later by a young Indian Goat Herder listening to, I kid you not, German Techno Music...

*What. The. F**k. Who still listens to bloody Techno?*

Time to leave and I find myself in yet another tiny little Indian village, somewhere near the Tungabhadra River and the Virupaksha Temple. It’s pretty hot so I find a shady spot which happens also to be occupied by two Indian Police Officers who are eager to talk with me...

"So, are you married?"

"Er, no."

"Not married! Really? How old are you?

"30. Just turned" *I can still get away with just turned can't I*

"30. And not married. So no children?"

"Well, not that I know of..." *Immediate realisation that what I have just said is the kind of thing a retarded teenage Subaru Impreza driving, German Techno Music loving Toss Pot would say*

"A Girlfriend perhaps?"

"Er, also no." *Probably because of dumb ass comments like that*

And so the actual Indian Police continue to interrogate about my relationship status until they proudly show me some nice pictures of their children. After a while I decide I have taken enough punishment for one day and head off in search of my guest house...

Unemployed. Not married. Single. No children. No Cows. Hate Techno... I make a seriously shit Indian.

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