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Published: November 14th 2004
well i am back from my meditation retreat! i actually got back on friday the 12th but have been sick the past several days with giardiasis 😞 welcome to india, harmony. it was horrible! only this morning have i been able to feel decent- and eat something without having to run to the bathroom 😞 good lord! i honestly thought i was dying at one point. thank god i wasn't 😊
so let's see...the retreat...boy was it intense. 10 full days of non stop meditation. we started our day at 4am and went to bed at 9pm. during those 17 hours all we did was meditate, listen to discourses, eat, bathe and sleep. although it wasn't easy by any means- i was really glad i signed up for it. but then my sickness hit me 😞 it started on the 7th day in the evening. we were meditating and i started feeling really naseaus. i told the teacher and she said stuff like that came up all the time- which is true. when you go that deep into yourself all kinds of crap comes up- pains, emotions, sickness, etc... so she told me to just sit with it, focus on the breath and be equanimous. i did just that- and made it through the night. the next day it came back though- and i dealt with it in the same manner. but then on the 9th day i was meditating and a small earthquake happened! it kind of freaked me out- and between that and the naseau it was unbearable. we were in the middle of a one hour sit that we weren't allowed to move- but i bolted out of the room. as i made my way to the door i fainted 😞 when i came to i went out the door to promptly throw up and then had to run to the bathroom. at this point i knew this wasn't just meditation stuff coming up. it was an illness. i had cipro from the states and started to take it thinking i had a bacteria infection. but when i got out of the retreat i found out i had giardia- a parasite infection. i am not sure where i got it from though 😞
so i am okay now. don't worry about me 😊 the fainting was due to the meditation- i know that for a fact. when you meditate that long your fears start coming up. that and being sick- the fear coming up for me was potentially dying in india far away from my family and friends. there is nothing like being sick to really make you go overboard! so when the slight earthquake happened it heightened my fear of dying- and standing up so fast to bolt out of the room made me faint. all the other stuff though was giardiasis (fever, naseau, diarrehea, etc...).
luckily i made a good friend before the retreat who was working at it- and he walked me down to mcleodganj and set me up at a nice hotel with an internet cafe and restaurant in it so i could hole myself up and get better. it's a good thing because not even 5 minutes after i would eat something i would have to bolt to the bathroom 😞 today is my last day of medicine and i feel about 75% better. thank god!
i got to have my first (and hopefully last) indian hospital experience. the clinic next to my hotel only had nurses who could not prescribe medicine- so i had to go to the delek hospital to get my prescription. they were closed and only ER was open- so i sat around for a bit waiting for the doctor. it was a very disturbing visit 😞 there was a little boy who was emaciated and walking around in a daze, there was a tibetan with a surgical mask on that looked like he had a very bad case of AIDS, and this one indian lady was sitting on the bench next to me having an anxiety attack and throwing up. seeing people suffer makes me naseaus- and i was already in that state- so i wasn't feeling so hot. but seeing all that really put things in perspective for me though. here i was all feeling sorry for myself because i unwittingly ate or drank something i shouldn't have and was in some pain and discomfort- but these people were dying or in much more critical condition. it made me calm down a bit.
so anyhow- that was my vipassana experience. up until i got sick i was enjoying it! but once i got sick it all went downhill from there. it didn't help that they kept saying it was just the meditation. actually it was really annoying towards the end. and they kept trying to get me to come to all the sittings even though i was miserable. on the last day i refused. i told them i was going to throw up on the teacher if i had to move. my friend who was working there said not to judge vipassana on those teachers- that there are many different teachers who would be more compassionate and understanding about my health problems. perhaps he is right. but i do not intend on going to another 10 day course. one is good enough for me. some people are addicted to them! i prefer to live my life out in the real world- and do my meditating there as well 😊
until my next entry...
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anonymous
non-member comment
Thank goodness
you're okay, Harm! Wow, what a trying experience. But great that you had befriended such a quality, caring person; sounds like he shared your perspective re: the one-tracked vipasanna instructors. Nice to get a little affirmation, anyway. Well, kudos for pulling through - no small feat(!) Harm, I admire your unflappable bravery, both leading up to and during your stay there. Know that we're all thinking about you, right there beside you in spirit.