Going Bonkers In Honkers

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Please excuse us kind Madams and Sirs, for leaving such a long time between drinks. But plans changed rapidly after the last straw of too many last straws in China and we've spent a week revelling in Hong Kong's Western affluence.

First things first ... the reason we beat a hasty retreat from the backwaters of Chongqing: a dirty old man on a local bus hocked up a foul green oyster and spat it on the bus floor right at our feet. We were disgusted and outraged, yet this was a mere warm-up for the rudest and most indescent clash of cultures we've experienced to date. A 6-hour bus journey through smog-choked villages extended easily to 9 hours of self-imposed dehydration. Luckily an Intrepid tour group joined our bus, affording us the luxury of piggybacking on the anouncements of their English speaking guide. "There will be only two toilet stops on this trip. One is OK, the other... not so good. Please do not drink too much water".

During the second toilet stop at a smelly block of squat holes with unlockable half-height cubicle doors, Pen was outraged beyond belief when a random Chinese woman decided to force her way into Pen's cubicle well before she was 'decent'. "You might wanna wait until I'm actually finished!" Pen exclaimed indignantly in a language the woman cared little to understand. Instead of backing off, she opened the cubicle door wider, exposing Pen's straddling glory to all the leering men outside the adjacent toilet block doorway. The cubicle was small, (as you'd expect for a squat toilet built for one!). The stupid woman then literally tangled her legs around behind Pen's as if she'd just spun 'right leg on yellow dot' in a lewd game of 'Twister', before ejecting Pen, who was blinking back the fury and still doing up her pants as she stumbled outside in full public view. That did it! We immediately canned the rest of our China trip and booked the next available flight to Hong Kong.

WESTERN LUXURIES WE'VE MISSED LIKE CRAZY, PROVIDED ON TAP IN HONG KONG .... (AT A HEFTY PRICE):

* Juicy sirloin steaks
* Fresh Australian Pura milk, (unaffected by melamine)
* Sashimi and sushi
* Multigrain bread
* Vegemite
* Godiva chocolates
* Ash Cannan (Dave's bro) in the flesh, and his sachet of goodies: Cadbury TopDeck Chocolate, Tic-Tocs and Allbran. (Thanks Eisss!!! We love you!)
* Sit-down toilets
* Sparkling mineral water
* Swiss plain yoghurt
* The AFL Grand Final in the Kangaroo Pub on the big screen
* Big greasy hamburgers
* Creamy soda
* Low-fat British cheddar cheese
* BBC TV with up-to-the-minute news of the ever-plummeting Aussie dollar
* Internationally imported deli goods
* Haagen Daaz
* Chicken, (minus the claws, heart, liver and head)
* English-speaking cinemas
* Steamed veggies
* Beaches

Hong Kong is truly an exciting city, packed with energy and personality. The nights sing with action and colour. It's the perfect balance of Asian culture and Western sensibilities. Hefty fines preclude spitting and every toilet is super-clean thanks to permanent, live-in cleaners. (What a life, eh?)

We love it here, despite living in the only high-rise slum in Kowloon. Chungking Mansion is a hive of Indian mafia activity. The scent of tandoori chicken and garlic naan curries the air as we battle our way through the ground floor restaurants & pyjama-clad touts hawking copy Rolexes, tailors for a 'nice suit, Sir', and fake Louis Vuitton handbags. Bullet holes in the grimy stairwell legitimise rumours of murders and the underworld. Our 16th floor 'prison cell', however, is clean and bright and our guesthouse landlady is lovely. Ironically, right across the street stands Dior's flagship store, flanked on either side by Chanel and Versace. The contrasts make you feel alive!

Nest stop India. After a relaxing 'Western' break we're so excited we can't sleep. Pen is hanging to catch up with her 'sister' Sarah and join Sar's parents up north for a tour of the Taj Mahal..... Dave is daydreaming of a rendezvous with the touring Aussie cricket team. Bring on the curry!

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