Carly and Craig: Great Couple, or Greatest Couple?

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Hi Everybody,

Here I am at Starbucks in Toronto, and after ruminating on my experience in China, I must confess that the number one highlight of the entire year was the time spent with Craig and Carly. In fact, Roel came to realize that Craig defined the very essence of manhood. In short, we feel as if we have awoken for the first time. Thank you Carly and Craig, just for being you.

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Hey readers! Have Aimsey and Roelie's lack of adventures in boring old Toronto gotten you down? Have you found that you haven't anything to get you out of bed but blue skies, a cool breeze, and clean water straight from the tap? Well sound the trumpet, here come Carly and Craig to the rescue! In this blog entry we promise sex, drugs and rock and roll. Well, maybe not. But hold onto your seats, for you are about to go where no man has gone before (except for the 30 million that live in Shanghai). We have even included some historical references for you "highbrow" types...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

The finest silk, the best linen, caviar from the Caspian, Champagne from...Champagne. Nothing stood in our way when it came to La Bon Vie.

What a Boeing 747 bringeth, a Boeing 747 taketh away.

It was a rocky start upon the departure of the 'Magnanimous Gravy Train' (aka Aimsey and Roelie). Our once plump, soft, Americanized bodies began to hack, cough and spit pure vinegar, albeit with a mix of chili paste and soy sauce. I knew the horrible metamorphosis was complete when Carly blasted straight through a group of Dragon Ladies on her bicycle, with her handle bar bell ringing at a deafening pitch, all the while shouting, "肏你祖宗十八代!"

Do not worry dear readers, we quickly found another benefactor, this time in the form of a Canadian diplomat. After being treated to a three-course champagne brunch at a chi-chi place overlooking the Bund, we were brought back to our rightful place as Shanghai's Chosen Ones. As the silver teapot made its way around the table, we could not help but shout, "God save the Queen!"

However, upon returning home, ghosts of our doppelgangers reappeared. We were shocked to discover that we didn't recognize the pictures of this very peculiar older couple lying about our apartment. We especially we mystified by the image of a bald man with a maddening grin. Who were these people? Were we in the right apartment? It was at this time that Craig began to tire of his linen ensemble and felt an overwhelming desire for a pair of pajamas. After a brisk backwards jog through Fuxing Park, Carly saw markings on herself, but it took her a while to realize that the markings were in fact elaborate tattoos left by our alter-egos.

The clues led us to the Pearl Tower where we found ourselves in a revolving restaurant 360 meters in the air, enjoying an afternoon pi-jiu whilst taking in the view. Thanks to Aimsey's "Piri Reis" map of almost mythical quality, we were able to find our way to a number of enchanted nooks and islets that no doubt eluded most who had washed up on these shores. From former Soong mansions in the French Concession to street-side noodle and beer stands, we were never wont of a place to go for a bit of relaxation.

After we took in the sights, smells, and tastes of the "Whore of the Orient" (uh, Shanghai), Aimsie and Roelie began their magnanimous-ness from afar, this time by funding our trip to the Northern capital, Beijing. Since it was on their dime, Craig decided to book the entire cabin of a fist class sleeper, much to the pleasure of the travel agent who had never seen such an ostentatious display of wealth. "You seep in the bottom, your luggage sleeps in the top!" He cheered while receiving his stack of RMB.

The overnight train ride was amazing. After taking supper in the dining car, we retired to our cabin, opened a bottle of wine and watched the countryside go by. After breakfast, we were ready to alight and stepped into a city eager to show its face to the world. Needless to say, it didn't disappoint.

Everything was even more impressive than one imagines. The Forbidden City larger and more ornate, the Bird's Nest more imposing and magnificent, the people even friendlier and more eager to help, the Peking Duck crisp and juicy at the same time. However, after discussing all that we did while in Beijing, we found the Great Wall to be the most memorable, as the adjective "great" doesn’t even begin to do this wall justice.

The day didn't start so well as we all gathered in our guesthouse's courtyard at 6am, rubbing our bleary eyes and sizing up the others who would be joining our tour. Heads were low and hands cupped around coffee. It was then we heard what has been recently rated as the most objectionable sound to the human ear: the sound of a human being puking his guts out. All heads immediately dropped even lower. We stole a glance and saw an obese couple with two kids in tow (one busily puking) sitting in shell shock. The mother casually went up to the bar and ordered a Sprite...for herself! We wondered if her valium hadn't fully worn off from the flight. The dad still seemed to believe that his son was fit for an all day excursion to the Great Wall in 37 degree (Celsius for the American readers) heat.

We loaded into the minivan and to our horror the puker sat right behind us and made girgling sounds while turning various shades of green. One shade was actually quite beautiful, a sort of iridescent, jade-like hue, I began to wonder if this child was, in fact a Buddha incarnate, teaching us that true enlightenment can only be forged through immense suffering ...but I digress.

Dad: Are you sure you are up for going to the Wall? We don't have to go, but, I REALLY REALLY want to go!
Buddha Kid: I don't feel good, Dad, but I don't want to make you miss your trip.
Dad: Yea, like I said, I REALLY REALLY want to go.
Mom: (plastered grin)
Older Sister: (tauntingly) I told you, you shouldn't have eaten that last night!
Buddha Kid: Hummph, Hummph, girgle, girgle.
Dad: Driver, stop the van!
Driver: ()
Dad: DRIVER, I SAID STOP THE VAN, MY SON IS SICK!
Craig: (no shit)
Driver: ()
Carly: (leaning forward) 司机请停止这个孩子爆炸在你的搬运车呕吐. 大家将死!
Driver: Hao! (pulls van over).

Everyone immediately jumps out of the van. Family scuffles off.

Mom: (looking back, plastered grin).

And just like that the Buddha incarnate vanishes with his entourage.

After driving out of the Beijing sprawl, the countryside becomes really beautiful with mountains, steams and large trees seeming to appear from nowhere. Things begin to look up, I mean this in both a literal and figurative sense, for once the Great Wall is spotted in the distance, I don't believe that we stopped gasping in awe for the rest of the day. And minus the Puke family, the rest of the group is quite normal and we settle into a nice long day walking atop the Great Wall enjoying all of the ascents, descents and vistas in between. After the hike we were all famished and were treated to a huge lunch with plenty of thirst quenching beer. Carly was explaining to our driver how surprised we were at the steepness of the wall which immediately had the driver laughing. She translated for the group the fact that that he has all of these foreigners with huge bums who insist on climbing the Wall and he always tries in broken English to talk them out of it, but they insist that they are very strong and inevitably end up staggering back to the van and sleeping the whole way back to Beijing. Carly asked how big the bums were and the driver held his arms out fully extended. We all laughed at his universal gesture.

After a rest and a shower back at the guesthouse, we head out on the town with a few people that we met on our tour. We end up on this cheesy "entertainment zone" street (nothing spoils fun more than someone designating a place for fun) and grabbed a table on a patio. Then, we hear a sound all too familiar. Yes. A girl begins to puke at the table right next to us. We finished our drinks quickly and called it a day.

Now we're back in Shanghai again facing a dwindling number of days. It is interesting comparing the order of Beijing with the chaos of Shanghai. We must say though, both places are uniquely great as well as uniquely Chinese. We are off right now for an all you can eat Australian barbie. Anti-globalists, rest assured, even that will somehow have a "made in China" stamp on it.

Thank you, Aimsey and Roelies, from the bottoms of our hearts, for giving us this great opportunity and allowing us a brief glimpse into your world. When you needed it, we showed you one part of China, and when we needed it, you showed us another.

We now know, just as you have said, "THE CHINESE ARE COMING, THE CHINESE ARE COMING!" And you know what? We're kind of excited.

Love to all,

Carlies and Craigies

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Photos

Carly Shows the Way
Roelies is in awe.

Pinkie
Our bodies protest the departure of the Gravy Train. Craig's demonstration of protest is not suitable for publication.

Champagne Diplomacy
Carly is sold on the Foreign Service after being treated to an amazing brunch.

Carly Lounges
As you can see, China has 70's swank down.

In Our Cabin
It will now be hard to get Craig on any other mode of public trasport.

Breakfast Baozi
One of Beijing's specialities. Craig is somewhat of a connoisseur.

Two Great Men
But hopefully Craig won't be responsible for the death of millions.

Carly Gets Her bearings
If you go to the Forbidden City, DON'T do the GPS Audio tour

Carly on the Wall
Yes, it's that steep!

Carly gets Directions
How many Beijingers DOES it take...

Back in Shanghai
Ahh, t!he chaos