valentine's day debauchery

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15 February 2007
9:17 Thursday

Oh dear god WHY did I think last night was a good idea?

Valentine’s Day Lessons:

1. No matter where you are in the world, greasy Chinese food is excellent hangover food.
2. Working with kids is not a good idea when you’re hungover and after only three hours of sleep.
3. Even free, weak Gin&Tonics are potent after you’ve had a few … or nine or a dozen.
4. I can speak Chinese, English and Spanish fluently when inebriated.
5. Amazingly, short men can be hott, too. Who knew?
6. “Propaganda” is perhaps the most aptly named club in all of China.


So yesterday afternoon sucked. I went and mailed all of my books at noon, and then went to the bank to pay the phone bill. That was a disaster. Here in China, in order to pay the phone bill and other such bills, you go to the bank - you don’t mail in the invoice or do it online. I was told by my roommate, SG, that I could go to any bank armed with our landlord’s name in pinyin, our house phone number, and our address and I could pay the bill. So I show up and there’s an automated machine for paying bills, but it’s all in Chinese and I don’t understand. So I take a number and sit down to wait for a teller. I finally get to him and he tells me he can’t help me and I need to use the machine. I was like, “kan bu dong” - which essentially translates to “I’m illiterate,” but he just gives me this look and says sorry! FUCKER! I stormed out and started crying. Decided to walk home quickly and grab my computer to bring it back.

So that sucked. Then I was at SPR coffee last night emailing and suddenly LY, the new guy who is probably taking my job and just arrived in Beijing like 2 days ago, says he and P are coming down to Wudaokou to go to Propaganda. Propaganda is a club here that I’ve not yet been to. So I was like, fuck, why not? Sent MB a message and asked if she wanted to join and then stay the night at my place . She said HELL YES .

We started out at Zub with ladies night where I had five free, but seemingly weak, gin & tonics. Met a middle aged American named Robert from FL who is here teaching business and a nice short Chinese guy from Inner Mongolia, Stephen. Drank and danced there, and then met MB’s friend, Yasuki, a Jap/Korean raised in Australia. He was incredibly fashionable, short, skinny, and hot. Perfect for MB.

So we move on to Propaganda. And that’s where it went downhill. It was also free drinks for ladies, so I sucked down another couple of gin & tonics. And then I was accosted by three men.

First there was a short Indian looking Canadian. He started dancing with me and hands started roving and when I placed his hands AWAY from my breasts, he apologized and said he didn’t want to offend. Whatever, that was cool.

Directly after that, this very drunk but very hot guy in a red baseball cap starts talking - all in Spanish. I’m having a hard time translating as I guess it doesn’t matter how weak the drinks are if you have 7 or 8 of them. He’s speaking in Spanish and I’m “ting bu dong-ing” and speaking to him in Chinglish. He’s hot, but also woefully short - barely taller than me. Whatever, so he wanders off.

And then this black guy starts trying to get close. And he is decidedly NOT hot. And he’s creepy. Thankfully, the Little Indian Canadian comes back and whisks me away to the dance floor where we proceed to dance very closely. He’s clearly a freak, and I tell him so, as he keeps telling me that he’s a vampire and needs to suck on my neck. AHHH DO I HAVE A HICKIE? MUST GO CHECK BRB. Whew. Nothing out of the ordinary. But I look like shit!

Anyway, so Freaky Little Indian Canadian and I move back toward the crowd at the bar, and I see Red Hat Hot Spanish Guy and, being the drunken flirt that I am, start subtly drawing him nearer with my eyes and begging him to get me away from Freaky Little Indian Canadian boy. He dutifully comes over and cuts in - my hero!

So Red Hat Hot Spanish Guy and I go dance, but he’s clearly out of his mind and is spending a lot of time just staring at me. I’m being a terrible drunken flirt and talking enough bullshit in Spanish/Chinese/English for the both of us. Meanwhile he keeps impulsively grabbing my face and kissing my cheek. I’m telling you, he was OUT OF IT - but to my inebriated self he seemed mysterious and I was having fun pushing him away and pulling his hat over his eyes and engaging in other such shameless ploys.

At some point Red Hat Hot Spanish Boy and I start making out on the dance floor and then he drags me upstairs and tries to get me to leave with him.

It all seemed very clear last night. In retrospect, as I try and deconstruct my night, it’s a little hazy.

I tell him no, we go back downstairs and start dancing and making out again. I learn that Red Hat Hot Spanish Guy does indeed speak English, his name is Orlando, and he’s Bolivian.

Hmmmkay. The rest of the details are hazy. At some point Freaky Little Indian Canadian and I end up dancing together again. A lot. He keeps trying to kiss me, but in my drunken mind, I can only kiss one guy a night??? I’m not sure where THAT logic came from, but I didn’t want to cheat on Red Hat Hot Spanish Guy. Or something. Whatever, Freaky Little Indian Canadian earned his “freaky” title.

Other flashes - I did indeed meet LY and P --- though for the life of me I barely remember it and am not sure what happened to them after that. I also was accosted by the cute Russian boys sitting at the bar who were quite appalled that I wanted a gin & tonic and not vodka. I don’t remember much about them, but they were cute and had hot accents and got the bartender’s attention for me on numerous occasions.

I remember looking for MB and Yasuki and not finding them later on, around 3AM? Freaky Little Indian Canadian then found me again and said he knew where my friend was and took me to her. She and Yasuki were making out.

At some point I realized that my shirt I had tied around my waist was gone - figured it was lost forever. Amazingly, MB handed it to me at the end of the night - she found it on the floor and threw it on a table for me. Looks like it has gum on it??

Somehow MB and I stumbled home and I even managed to buy water and haul it home. We were both drunk and laughing and comparing stories and I know we dropped the water bottles a few times, drunk lushes that we were.

Got to bed around 3:30? Then suddenly MB was waking me up and telling me it was 7AM. She left for the subway to get to work and I got up and showered. Got back to my room thinking it was nearly 8am and dreaming of breakfast at school. But no! It was 8 fucking 45! NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED. Did MB get up late? Or did I fall back asleep for an hour? NO CLUE. But I threw on my clothes and ran out of the apartment, bought a jiancai for breakfast, and rolled in at 9:00. Swiped my card and came up here to eat and try and work through last night via this email.

I haven't been that drunk in... a LONG time. Like, a long looooong time. Or made out with anyone in a looong time, for that matter. I'm actually proud of myself that I not only made it to work, but that my classes have gone relatively well. All in all, it was a fabulous Valentine’s Day.

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