All White People Look the Same

---

In Swaziland the word Mlungu means white person. This doesn’t appear to be a derogatory word; it just is what it is. I’ve learned that Swazis are all about the labels. I am white; therefore I am aMlungu. People shout this at me, children yell it to me when we visits schools... the list goes on. In Canada, people can’t agree that Caucasian is a race, but here everything is black, white or coloured. We were driving in a work van and our driver cut through the pedestrian stop (no one stops for pedestrians in this country), and some guy yelled “Take your white people and go!” in SiSwati. My coworkers pissed themselves laughing and then translated for us.

Sarah and I started the same week at FLAS. Sarah and I do not look alike; however, no one can tell us apart. I have learned that this is because, according to my coworkers, all white people look the same. You would think that since there are only two white girls at FLAS, it wouldn’t be hard to tell us apart but nope. In contrast, I’ve given up on knowing everyone’s name at the office – probably because they have clicks and clacks in them that are just too hard for this white girl to say.

I thought I was starting to blend in a little more, but then I realized exactly how much I stand out. Our ghetto apartment is in the biggest building in Manzini (I know... shocking). There has to be about 1000 people living here and I am certainly the only white chick living in it. All the security guards know me now, and I realized that so do all the people living here. I never take the elevator, but after the Mozambique weekend I was so tired and overloaded with groceries I had to take it. I met one of my East Indian neighbours who was hesitant to make eye contact and then bang... eye contact. You are the girl living with the big white man. Yes I am. Boyfriend? Husband? Stephen is my cousin. Ok. Come to my shop. Goodbye. I haven’t figured out which shop he means, as there are 3 shops run by Indians attached to our building, I’m just supposed to know?

Usually when we have people lurking around the office, my white skin causes some attention. Last week I met a man who likes to come around asking for money. He was on me in 2 seconds flat, shaking my hand and not letting go. He wanted to know what I did at FLAS? Communications. “Will you circumcise me?”
Seriously! Seriously? I think that may just trump the “I have a large penis” line at the bar. I had to tell him he was being inappropriate and that it was time to go. As my co-worker Mpumie and I walked away she couldn’t stop laughing. I told Ace that he was going to have to start telling people he was my boyfriend. He said no, he doesn’t want to take any opportunities for Swazi men. I assured him... there are NO opportunities to be had in Swaziland with me.

White People!

So on Friday night I went out to House on Fire – an amazing venue that has occasional concerts and events (which is where all the white people flock to). It is on a farm and has been decked out and decorated in the most amazing way. While we were watching a Reggae band, I caught up with an American I had just met that week when I was visiting the Gone Rural site (an amazing artisan project for rural women I will talk about more next blog). He invited us to an ex-pat party in Mbabane the following day.
So, on Saturday after shopping at the local market to pick up some presents to send home for x-mas, Stephen, Andrea and I jumped in the car to go the 35km to Mbabane. I got to see how the better half lives in Swaziland. Holy Shit! I met about 40 (mostly white) ex-pats who all work in Mbabane and live in posh places. Nick (USA) and Gwyneth (Newfoundland) live on this property below Sebiebe Mountain, in a valley, with a waterfall and stream on their property. Everything was green and beautiful. The house was sweet and they had 2 dogs and cat. In contrast, I live in something that should be condemned, and the closest thing I have to a pet is the bathroom cockroach.

They even had a bouncy castle rented for the weekend! Christ, I thought skipping was hard. 5 minutes in the bouncy castle and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. We arrived at 4 pm... And well we didn’t leave till after 3 am. I had a blast and even won an impromptu limbo contest. It was a hard one, I was against a Taiwanese neurologist with a spine like Gumby but I took him down in the final round.
Sarnecki, you will be proud of me. I brought the box game to Swaziland. Unfortunately when I was trying to show our host and bday boy Nick how to play said box game, I split the crotch of my jeans even further. With half my cheek hanging out I didn’t want to play the game, so instead I became the box master.

So – those who don’t know the box game it is simple. Grab a beer box. Put it in the middle of a circle of stupid people willing to pull a muscle trying to win the game. I grabbed 7 entertaining people while the rest of the party watched on, enthralled for probably close to an hour. Everyone gets a go at bending over to pick up the box with their teeth. Hands cannot touch the floor. After each round I would rip at least an inch off the box, and you go again. There were a couple of guys who were absolutely hilarious, we only had one major fall, and well I think Nick may have pulled his groin. Very entertaining considering I was DD and stone sober. We had a three way tie between a hot little senorita from Spain, Gumby from Taiwan, and the other bday boy from Swaziland. I got them down to a piece of cardboard as big as a post it – it was seriously impressive.

Other highlights included meeting a gluten intolerant American with the Clinton foundation, as well as a couple of other girls who want in on my running/dinner club. Ya... new friends!

Sunday I met Alexandra for lunch at Swazi Candles, one of Swaziland’s premier attractions and home to the best restaurant in the country. Oh god. I might just have to go there every weekend. It was yummy glorious food; for a minute or two I forgot I was in Swaziland. Afterwards I picked Michelle up from her scuba course (I know... random) and we made dinner and watched Out of Africa.

Um, I have never seen that movie and I have to say that Robert Redford was pretty darn sexy back in the day. I’m not much of a crier in movies (ask Lena, she thinks I am insensitive) but the two of us were bawling our eyes out. I was so emotionally drained I had to get out of there. I was down in the dumps but when I arrived home my frown turned upside down. There was a couch! Sure... it looks like it sat outside in the sun/rain and is cracked to shit, but it is a couch and it is pretty comfortable. We also have a TV and a DVD player! YAHAHAHHAHAHA.

We got the TV and couch from Pete (the Aussie who had the stroke and had to be airlifted out of Swaz). I knew there would be more stories from him. Well... he had some trouble with this garden boy. He was bringing people into the house and things were going missing. One night Pete came home to find 2 pairs of women’s shoes at the door. He asked whose they were, but got some mumbled response. He was randomly in the hallway and went to find some towels. Well, when he opened the wardrobe he found 2 scantily clad women hiding instead. He tried to fire the guy, but he said he had nowhere to go. He gave him 2 weeks, and the day before he was supposed to be out he robbed Pete of 2 vehicles on the property, TVs, wine, and anything else of value in the house.

Some thieves here aren’t so smart, and the police managed to find everything at 2 different properties in Swaz within 48 hours. Unfortunately when they were driving Pete’s work car back to him they hit a cow and totalled it. Only thing better than smart crooks is smart police.

Any who – Pete’s organization have sent him off to Indonesia to worry about erupting volcanoes so we now have two pieces of furniture. The TV was resting on a box (appropriate TV stand in our ghetto shack). I was scared by a load bang in the middle of the night, and convinced someone was breaking in to the place. I finally got the balls go check and saw the TV face down. NOOOOOO!!!! Thank fully it’s all good. We are now using a much sturdier grocery basket turned upside down as a TV stand.

In other news my wipers broke this week in the middle of a monsoon. They got caught on each other, and I somehow managed to pull over. I reached out and pulled them apart, no luck. Next time the wiper in front of my face came flying over and landed off the windshield and was resting on my side mirror. I then had one wiper half-assed going back and forth, while the one stuck on my mirror was having minor heart palpitations. I avoided going out to Papa smurf, but when I did he managed to fix them quite easily and not even charge me. Then, I told him that one of my back doors wouldn’t open from the inside. Magically Papa smurf got it working. Someone stupidly designed the Polo to have a child lock on the side of the door.
Oh – and Sara Ripko – nice blog comment. I’ll have you know I think I was meant to drive in Swaziland. I can dip and weave around other cars, there are no red light cameras, and stop signs are sort of suggestive. The polo does in fact have holy shit handles, with the Oilers shitting the bed so bad at home why don’t you take a little leave from work and we can drive around Swaziland. I am sure your heart is back to normal palpitations without ripping around Etown with me. Just imagine – driving with me on the wrong side of the road. You would love it (or hate it)!

So my weekly articles in the Swazi Times are getting good feedback at the clinic. This week my article is on genital ulcers and warts, fun times. The male nurse I interviewed for the piece leant me his skin conditions book for references... you should have seen some of the pictures! I just about barfed in my mouth a few times. Scary to think that Syphilis is such a problem here that they screen for it with a blood test for the first ante-natal care visit of all mothers. Oh, the government also does mandatory HIV testing of all pregnant women, but they don’t force you to get your results. Anyways, the most recent stats came out last week; the ministry of health is jazzed because the HIV rate of expectant mothers dropped from 42% to 41%. Someone please tell Bush that his abstinence only funding in Africa clearly worked in Swaziland.

Something I don’t like is the pay as you go phone situation here. I am told one of the king’s relatives owns the phone company here, and they won’t allow any competition. So you pay for every text, and per minute calling isn’t cheap. Every 5th person on the street wears a yellow vest selling air time. A lot of people buy 5 rand at a time (less than a dollar) because it is expensive. You give them money and your cell number, and 5 seconds later it magically appears on your account. I have learned that if you spend 150 rand, you get 30 free. Good for me, but something a lot of people can’t afford to do here.

So I know that I rag on Swaziland a lot, but there are some great things here compared to home. I have four veg and fruit sellers about 30 meters from the front of my building. Don’t understand why they all set up next to each other. Probably the same reason there’s a road in every Canadian city with about 6 futon stores on it. I usually walk and grab things on my way home, but luckily I have had the car on really rainy days. I pull up, veggie man comes over. I tell him what I want through the window and you pay. It is glorious. I make soups every second day here because the veggies are so great and so damn cheap.
So I’ve included a photo of all the little dolls I’ve bought while I have been here. Sending them home so my niece and nephew can have politically correct toys to play with. The big one was a serious find in the market. All of the women at work were amazed. She is in the traditional reed dance costume (something I missed by 2 weeks when I got here). One of my coworkers said she will bring her costume for me to try on, but you don’t wear underwear and your boobs hang out. I’m considering doing it and making it my Christmas card this year. Stay tuned.

Oh. My mother and sister have tried to send me a package for Christmas; hopefully filled with yummy gluten free treats from Canadia. Well my mom got a call because the package got sent to Switzerland. You see, even Canada Post doesn’t believe that Swaziland is a country.

---

Photos

The fancy new digs
Our sweet new rental couch and Stephen's nice tv sitting on a box.

Happy Camper
I heart our apartment

The blacony
Chowing down on stove top popcorn on our kick ass balcony

Bouncy Castle
This was fun for about 3 minutes, then a child drop-kicked me and I fell out the side

Mullet time
Gotta love a party that has mullet wigs hanging about

Box game
One of the variations to pick up the box with your mouth

Bday Boy
Nick's last attempt

Fruit stand
these are all over manzini

Air Time & tomatoes
Yes, I paid about $1.50 for a bag of tomatoes and an avacado, then bought airtime.

African Dolls
Kohen and Kali... get ready to play

The roomies
Stephen looks like a creepy patriarch here.

Comments

[Christina]

Enjoying the blog very much - I have to write blogs for my job now and I think I need to get you to do it for me. But you can't put anything about poo in it. Sound good? Thanks. Miss you! As for the syphilis, just for your research I think they now do universal, or a least a lot, of prenatal screening in Alberta. I think the syphilis rate increased by 12 times or something a few years back...and keeps growing. it was a lot higher anyway... This is what the Alberta Health website says about it: Universal prenatal syphilis rescreening Alberta Health and Wellness has enhanced the syphilis screening component of the Prenatal Screening Program for Selected Communicable Diseases to ensure that pregnant women with infectious syphilis and their babies are identified and treated as soon as possible. Earlier diagnosis and treatment of syphilis in a pregnant mother can prevent infection in the newborn child and reduce the consequences of syphilis infection in the baby. All pregnant women should be screened for syphilis early in pregnancy, again at mid-pregnancy, and again at the time of giving birth. In addition, some pregnant women identified as being at high-risk for syphilis infection should be screened more frequently. Thought you might find that interesting!