Getting my $60 worth

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Africa has been too smooth sailing for my liking sure the buses are hellish but everything else seems to run like clockwork. All this corruption you hear about the governments, it doesn’t get passed down to the tourist. Actually they just charge a lot for national parks entrance fees instead. What I am trying to get to here is, there is no fear. When you backpack for your 5th Journey smooth sailing is not what you want. You want it for a brief period to recover. But without it well… I might as well settle down at home and do a two-week holiday to a beach resort. I needed something to get my excitement juices flowing again.

Intrigue - is this country really that bad? Most of the time my reaction on leaving places like this is completely opposite to the popular belief. So which country was chosen to fill this horrible void? A country that was stuck in a Civil War that is still – somewhat - still going on to the north of where I wanted to go. A country that not only allows a complete alternative to the cliché mountain gorilla treks but allows a trek up to one of the worlds most recent active volcanos. Welcome dribblers to the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), formally known as Zaire!!

I was expecting problems at the border with immigration. I heard plenty of failed attempts to cross over from Rwanda so I decided instead to cross over from southern Uganda. I heard that at the Rwandan border the Congo staff were asking for $285 to cross over despite people already having a VISA from the embassy.

I went to the embassy in Kampala (Ugandan capital) and noticed it was a $60 gamble worth taking. Congo’s second War is known as the African World War. The war was the deadliest war since World War II, killing around 5.4 million people. In eastern Congo rape and other sexual violence is described as the worst in the world. This is still the case today with child soldiers cutting of lips and things like that. The former vice President Jean-Pierre Bemba on November 22, 2010 began his trial at The Hague for his War crimes between October 2002.

My plan was to enter via the east of the country. Out of the 169 countries surveyed on the Human Development Index. DRC is ranked second last just ahead of Zimbabwe. Things only improved slightly in 2003 when a peace deal was signed but that is very sketchy.

I left Kisoro the last major town before the border 12 kms away. The road was smooth and my boda boda (moto taxi) took me to the border. When I arrived a drunken man said that he would help me cross the border to a bus for Goma. This was actually good news. I heard and read that the roads are atrocious and the only way to get to Goma 99km away was with an expensive 4WD (about $100-150). He said that a bus is $10-15 - This was confirmed later on by other people.

What this enabled me to consider was a bribe, if necessary, but I would not hand it over unless he asked for it. I know it sounds petty but I want him (immigration) to openly say he wants my money for doing his job. I was thinking maybe if I buy them chocolate as a sweetener it might help. I practised these words in French (which I have already forgotten) “Tu tibre shokolat” (You stamp, chocolate). But I forgot to buy chocolate.
I am let through by the very nice Ugandan officer after he looked at my passport to see I have a legitimate Congo VISA. My drunken escort followed me and joined by another drunk man called Johnny Walker. I enter Congo and head into the immigration office. The office is not busy but the amount of people crossing over it was like it’s a pedestrian crossing in the morning rush hour at a CBD.

I enter with a bright “Bonjour!” They reply “Bonjour comment ca va” “Bien et vous”. They say something else and I reply. “That’s all the French I have.” I would shake hands with multiple officers who wear a black beret with a frilly tail on the back. I eventually go to the chief or “Chef” as everyone would call him. He was an overweight guy with gaps in his teeth. Whenever someone knocked on the door he goes “Oui!” A person would enter and do their best Tom Cruise soldiers salute impersonation from Top Gun (I think that’s the movie.)

The immediate disappointment when they realised that I have an official VISA stamp was there for all to see. See Congo use to have an 8-day VISA for this part of the country, which the officers would get a cut. Now the government who has been one of the worst corrupt countries in the world have stopped it. The officers have lost a large source of their income. From 1965 to 1997 Mobutu Sese Seko as president of DRC than Zaire had stolen around $4billion and put into a Swiss bank account. (to give you the scale of it)

They ask weather I am a citizen of Uganda. I say no. What this would do is drag on a process for 2 hours and more. He would ask me to wait outside his office than to come back in again, he too would do the same. Eventually saying “I shouldn’t be able to get a VISA here if I am not a resident.” I said “Well I have been processed correctly to enter here.” This is being translated by another guy of lower rank.

There was much delay as he is talking to someone in his office whilst I wait patiently to enter. Whilst waiting I looked outside to see what my next country was about. It was ‘Mattress Day’ in DR Congo as multiple people were carrying 6 or 7 mattresses on top of their heads. Others with the role up variety.

I am thinking that he thinks I am a volunteer or something. So I show in my passport that I am scheduled to enter Rwanda after this. This would mean I would depart exiting via Goma/Gisinyi, Rwanda and not back at this border post. A possible bad move I feel. What this meant is that I would not be exiting from the same border post meaning they would not be able to get a non-existent exit fee from me.

I wait in the main office sitting on some black connected seats that were ripped out from somewhere and think my chances are still 50-50. I’m still here. He walks out of his room and says, “Back! Go Back! No good!” I ask why and we have to wait for a translator. He says that I needed to get my VISA back in Australia.

I use this opportunity to let off a barrage of insults in that beautiful language we call English. I start off however in graphic design and say. “How am I supposed to do that there is no embassy in Australia?” He than says “You should have done it in Europe your closest embassy.” I couldn’t believe my ears. “Do you know where Australia is in the world? It is nowhere near Europe!” He looks bewildered by my comment. I say. “Oh my God do I have to give you a geography lesson?” Out goes my pen and diary and I draw on my front page a map of the world. In a rushed effort it is not good but the point is made. Australia is a long way away. I put a dot where Sydney is and confirm through this map that Australia is in fact closer to Kampala than Europe. “Kampala is the closest embassy to Australia!” I’d later bring out my guidebook with all the embassies of DRC and none could be found in Asia. “You are not like America and have an embassy in every country of the world.”

He walks away and tries to make some phone calls of which I find highly unlikely. I ask the translator. Is he looking for a bribe… for money? He says “No no but I will try and help you and than we can talk.”

The whole time they were saying that they don’t have reception so they can’t call Kampala. I then provide a solution as they said that they can call Goma their main office. I say, “If I was in his position what I would do is call Goma than they can call Kampala and 5 minutes later they can call you and this problem will be solved.” This simple solution to the bullshit excuse of no reception to Uganda was not appreciated by all.

They reply “No that is a long process” Prior to that they asked me to go back to Kampala to sort out the problem with them and come back. I inform “Why would I do that for when this can be solved in 5 minutes? Long Process! You want me to go back to Kampala! That’s 3 days return trip when 3 phone calls can solve this problem in 5 minutes! What is shorter 3 days or 5 minutes? I think 5 minutes.”

They walk away again. I did see the stamp lying around on the desk next to me and there was ample time for me to stamp my passport but it wasn’t worth it. I do however remember saying “What was he doing in there for the past 2 hours? Having a wank? Is he masturbating in there?” I’m not sure if the translator understood. But probably a bit too far on my end but it was better than a punch in the face, which this guy so deserved.

See the stories I heard of people being rejected was that they copped it sweet, hung around than they were told to leave. I felt a new tact was needed and that was to either insult or try and put some pressure on them of which they lose patients and give up and say “Okay fine you annoying shit here’s your stamp. Now piss off!” It’s worked in the past.

I say when they want me to leave… again. “That’s fine I will leave but first of all you owe me $60 for the visa which I paid for. Plus you owe me another $60 because I have to re-enter Uganda. I only had a single entry VISA and also the travel expenses. So you owe me $150 for me to leave.” Never going to happen but a great comedic call said with such dryness this thing would drag on for another hour.

I also was prepared for this problem when I got the visa at Kampala and got the phone number of Mathieu (Mathew) the guy who processed my VISA. He proudly told me that he was a bible man and took no bribe for my same day VISA service, unlike the lady who I spoke to first. I say, “Here is the phone number of the man who processed my VISA. Call him, his name is Matheiu.”

At one stage I received 2 SMS’ wishing me a ‘pleasant stay in Congo DR.’ I say, “How can you not have any reception here? You can make these phone calls! I have just received 2 SMS messages whilst in your office. Look!” Oh yeah I was getting my $60 worth! Basically I was dragging it out until lunch so I didn’t have to wait in Kisoro to eat before my next plan - Shall I not get in.

He comes back after another waiting period he says. “I have spoken to Mathieu and he said that you will need to go back to Kampala and there they will give you back the money for the VISA.” I said, “I thought you couldn’t get reception? I would like to speak to him first before I leave. Can you call him again? If he says what you just said than I am happy to leave.”

He didn’t seem to want to do this. I say, “Exactly because that call didn’t happen did it. I think you are really struggling to find excuses that blend in with each other. I think you lie. You are what we call a bullshit artist.”

I ask with arms open, “What am I suppose to do as an Australian citizen? Surely I am not the only person from my country to enter this border. What has happened to them?” I get no response. I then ask about a bribe again weather that is what he is looking for. Again I am refused. It just didn’t make sense.

As I picked my bags up to test out weather a bribe is what they want “No wonder your country is stuffed up.” They invite me back in. They say that if I was going to the gorillas that would be okay but I am going to Goma that is the problem. I said to the translator when ‘chef’ was away “If you are looking for a bribe than you should have told me in the first place instead of dragging this out for 2 hours. This is bullshit so even if you are looking for it I don’t think I am going to give you anything.” (I’m only going to give a bribe to someone that’s a smooth customer.)

I reconfirmed that there are buses to Goma “so what is the problem?” They inform that it is a long way. I say, “No… no it isn’t. It is 99kms away, it says that on the sign over there at the gate.” I again say, “I don’t understand the problem. Every excuse you have made doesn’t match the other. It is pointless me going back to Kampala because once there they can’t get in contact with you because you don’t have any reception. So it is pointless me coming back here. I am only going to be in your country for 4 days and then leave. It’s not like there is no transport. You just confirmed that I could take this no problem.” Ruling out security problems.

There last excuse was “The Embassy doesn’t know the rules.” I ridicule with a laugh and it was at about this point I decided it was time to leave. My $60 of fun was exhausted. The mans eyes lit up like his patients had finally worn thin. I get up from my chair. Calmly take my bags and say “I can’t believe this the whole time you have been saying ‘Oh please take a seat. Everything is fine. We are here to help. What bullshit. Thank you very much you have all been useless.” And walk off. The sad reality is I think immigration is trying to make a statement to the government to reinstate corruption with VISA processing. Maybe he was doing his job or maybe he doesn’t know the new rules?

My drunken escort was not happy so too Johnny Walker. I greet the Ugandan official, which was stunned at the stupidity of his neighbours. He quite happily crossed out my exit stamp and apologised for DRC’s ignorance. I had lunch in Kisoro and tried to call the embassy but it was lunch time and decided to give up on the DRC dream and headed for Rwanda. Exiting Uganda again the official paused briefly before stamping and noticed a crossed out stamp on my passport. He stamps my passport and says “Congo?” shakes his head “I’m very sorry.”

I quickly made a decision that alcohol and a bit of nightlife is what was needed and fortunately close by was the Rwandan capital of Kigali. There I partied my sorrows away till 530am. Completely overshadowed by the African dancing. How do they find the will to find rhythm in such crap songs is beyond me? They make some songs sound good and enjoyable.

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Photos

My Geography lesson to the immigration chief
North and South America not to scale.

My message welcoming me to DRC
No

The Promised Land
View from Gisenyi, Rwanda