RachelM

You know you're doing OK when a hotel emails you to tell you how nice you were! Got this earlier: 'Dear Rachel, On behalf of Nino Hotel team, I would like to send our deep thanks to you, for your coming and stay in our hotel. It was a pleasure for us to welcome you here, our family. Rachel you know, you were a very polite and nice customer, as my boss said. Every day, you said hello to all of us with a friendly smile and tenderly spoken pronounciation. We felt happy cos of such a nice behaviour.' You see???? Tenderly spoken pronunication!!!!!! Now will someone PLEASE tell the voice over industry that this is what people want and give me some bloody work! Spent the rest of the day eating mangoes for a while ... read more

Isn't there some saying that one would rather be in hell with friends than in heaven alone? Or am I getting that mixed up with Twain (or someone) saying hell is being locked in a room with your friends? So there I was, literally in paradise, fabulous boat, amazing cabin, lovely food, cracking wine (we'll come back to that), the service, the weather, the scenery of Ha Long Bay and I was the only person on their own and for the first time this holiday I felt really sad about it. Sad, because it seemed such a waste. All the ingredients that make you feel loving and happy were there and it just seemd such a waste I was alone. I was surrounded by couples sipping champagne, gazing amorously into each other's eyes and no doubt ... read more

Why, when mosquitoes sting you do they inject an irritant AS WELL as taking your blood? I wouldn't mind them having a bit of my blood. I've got pints of it. It does seem particularly ungrateful and ill mannered to steal my blood and leave me with an itch at the same time. Why, do all my mozzie bites all decide to start itching at once at 3.30am every night? Why are there no salt and vinegar Pringles in Asia? Or marmite? Why am I the only person who's getting on this 4 hour bus to Halong Bay who's not chugging back the juice at breakfast because I'm so paranoid about needing the loo on a long bus trip? Why do I have to dehydrate myself to dust beforehand? At least when your feet are itching ... read more

It's official. I am totally museum-ed and pagoda-ed out. That's it, No more, cannot compute, enough already. Today went to the (highly overrated by Lonely Planet) Museum of Ethnology. A very expensive cab ride 6kms out of town for an extra massive display of my old favourites - old pots and land tilling equipment. Oh and reproductions of tribal houses, rather spoiled by the members of staff inside on their laptops. And it was boiling hot. Even with my brilliant fan. Zipped round there and then off to the Temple of Literature although it SHOULD be called the Temple of Souvenir Tat. Starting to feel really tired but trudged over to the Museum of Fine Art. This was excellent but I was so tired, I couldn't really do it justice. Had to decide I was completely ... read more

You know that scene from the film 'Planes, Trains and Automobiles' when Steve Martin and John Candy are driving THE WRONG WAY down the highway and they drive between 2 oncoming trucks, through a tiny narrow gap, nearly take the sides of the car off and then you see them both turn to skeletons for a second while screaming and as Steve Martin looks at John Candy (who is driving), he appears to him for a moment to be the devil incarnate as he drives him, laughing with glee into certain death? That scene? (you know what's coming don't you?) I was supposed to be taking a local bus to Da Nang, 3 hours away to catch my midday plane, but it turned out there was some controversy about whether it would actually get me there ... read more

I made my best purchase to date today. I have invested in a large, purple, painted silk fan. I can't think why I didn't do it before. It's marvellous. Some might say garish, but they are of course just jealous. What a fantastic invention. Instant breeze whenever I want it - and of course the chance to pretend I am a foxy 18th century concubine. Actually, today my motto was, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I don't know about all this dressing modestly so as not to offend the locals the LP guide was banging on about. The locals are the most indecently dressed of them all. In fact, I've had the most clothes on of anyone I've seen this holiday. Couldn't be bothered swathing myself in drapey linen today so pulled on my ... read more

Today I had a dream day. Successful and lovely in satisfying amounts. It got off to a cracking start as I got into bed last night and realised - on sweet joy - the pillows were soft, like at home! Like they SHOULD be...!!!! Up until now, they've been utterly solid, the consistency of rapid dry concrete and solely responsible for the permanent crick in my neck, Indeed as I made this discovery, I felt the urgent need to do a little dance of exultation, all by myself, next to the bed waving my soft pillows in the air. And it's not often you get a chance to write a sentence like THAT in all sincerity. I had a delicious sleep. This is a hotel where they really seem to care about you. Cold juices whenever ... read more

Have you ever seen the depictions of hell by Hieronymus Bosch? Go on - google them now and then come back to this... If you recall, today's plan was to catch the train to Hue. The Reunification Express (love those Communists!), the fastest and most modern of Vietnam's train services (I'd hate to go on one of the old ones), that snakes its way up the country's east coast. I arrrived at Da Nang station about 50 minutes early for the train. You weren't allowed on the platform, we were all held in a medium sized, non air-conditioned waiting room with a large television that played the same 3 kung fu sequences in a loop. A curiously violent choice for a group of people you want to keep calm and quiet in a hot confined space. ... read more

The more discerning among my readers will have noticed a slight hiatus in my blog updates. Sadly, I was rather unwell yesterday (although didn't really realise it at the time). Dizzy, no energy, headaches, muscle cramps and when I coughed my kidneys hurt. Oh and very infrequent small orange wees. All I wanted to do was lie in a cold bath and/or go home. Yes, of course, blindingly obvious now - I was dehydrated (don't tell my Mum). I spent the day in my palatial and blessedly cool room having cold baths and drinking rehydration salts. Sod Hoi An, time for a day off. My general state of mind was not especially aided by the fact that my unwitting quest to become Asia's most ridiculous tourist was about to achieve new levels of success. I have ... read more

I didn't quite make the entrance I intended into Hoi An. There were 2 reasons for this. Firstly when I woke up my sunburnt bose was covered in bloody scabs. I looked as if I'd been dragged down the road nose down. Several times. Waiters blanched. People kept staring at my nose with peculiar fascination. And the second reason was that the lightly elasticated traveller type trousers that I had invester $4 in turned out to be SO lightly elasticated that while checking in at Nha Trang airpoty, I suddenly realised I was displaying a goodly portion of Mand S black lacy knicker. Whatever brand of 'elastic' (and I use the term as loosely as it gripped my hips) it was a totaly stranger to the invention of lycra. I had to walk around with my ... read more