Dennis the Menace hits Hoi An

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The more discerning among my readers will have noticed a slight hiatus in my blog updates. Sadly, I was rather unwell yesterday (although didn't really realise it at the time). Dizzy, no energy, headaches, muscle cramps and when I coughed my kidneys hurt. Oh and very infrequent small orange wees. All I wanted to do was lie in a cold bath and/or go home. Yes, of course, blindingly obvious now - I was dehydrated (don't tell my Mum). I spent the day in my palatial and blessedly cool room having cold baths and drinking rehydration salts. Sod Hoi An, time for a day off.

My general state of mind was not especially aided by the fact that my unwitting quest to become Asia's most ridiculous tourist was about to achieve new levels of success. I have been bitten by a mozzie on my foot, just where the strap of my sandal rubs. It had become quite painful. No problem, I thought, I'll just whack a plaster on. Now, unfortunately I hadn't realised that the handy first aid travel kit given to me so thoughtfully for Christmas by Sasha and Maccs was of the novelty variety (to be fair, my suspicions should have been raised by the fact that it came in a 'Beano' tin). All the plasters had pictures on of Beano comic characters. So when took my shoes off to go into shops, shopkeepers and customers alike were taken aback by a 40 year old woman with pictures of amused rabid dogs on her feet (Gnasher). So I then had to cover this with a bandage. Which along with my bashed up nose, now gave me the appearance of having been in a not terribly minor motorbike accident.

So I spent most of the day in cool hibernation. Today I feel about a trillion times better and happier which makes me realise how utterly terrible I felt yesterday. This morning I walked to Cam Ranh Island to Randy's Book Exchange. (I had high hopes from the name - but it turned out to be just a book exchange). I've just read Philippa Gregory's 'The Red Queen' and was able to exchange it for 'The White Queen' AND (hot book tip coming up for you here) Lionel Shriver 'So What for Now'. Everyone in the world should read this book. So full and intelligent. It's certainly on a par with her Orange Booker winner 'We Need to Talk About Kevin'. I swapped this for Hilary Mantel's 'Wolf Hall'.

On the subject, another astonishingly good book I'm reading is Paul Murray's 'Skippy Dies'. Set in a boy's boarding school - contemporary. Sort of Jennings for grownups. It's quite wonderful and very funny. So funny in fact that I gave an involuntary bark of laughter in the breakfast room this morning. Two people jumped and one lady spilt her tea. I smilingly apologised to the room. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but if someone giggled helplessly at a book in a public place, wouldn't that make you smile too? Not this lot - they looked at me as if I was Dr Mengele having concocted a new and particularly chilling medical experiment. Miserable sods. I re-read the chapter again and carried on chuckling to myself (I couldn't help it actually) just to annoy them all more.

Had a most satisfactory day. Collected my new tailor made dress and top. The top's nice but not sure about the dress. OK here - but back home? Hmmm. Then wandering around, swimming, reading and chilling. I felt well enough to have my first proper evening out. (The last 2 nights, I have been in bed by 8pm). I showered and got ready, dressed proudly in my new top. As I sashayed out of the hotel, the hotel manager gave me a double take. I smiled to myself.

Found a great wine bar for a very passable glass of wine and mango salad (for some reason I can only eat salad, totally lost my appetite). Two different ladies asked me if I was local. Clearly my western/oriental (think Joanna Lumley) garb was doing it's work. Hoi An was thrumming tonight, splashed with colour and light and a party atmosphere (it's Liberation of Saigon weekend). When I returned to the hotel, thoroughly hot and sticky again, but still retaining some degree of sang froid (I hoped) the hotel manager gave me my key, then said...'You have new top I think'. 'Yes' I said, 'made here'. 'Ah', he replied, 'it make you look' (we both paused - remember he had been witness to my post Apocalyptic entrance to the bhotel) 'even more beautiful!' he eventually declaimed with an air of triumph. 'Thank you'. I said and continued Lumleyesque to my room.

Hue tomorrow by train. Hopefully with a totally healed nose, foot and trailing clouds of traveller chic behind me.

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