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Published: June 29th 2013
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Our travels thus far
Chronologically, each row is a different country/area
1. South Korea
2. Thailand
3. China
4. North America
5. Europe
6. Uruguay
7. Colombia What do you do when you have tons of leftover shrimp that you’re pretty sure gave you the Doodooo Mcgoos? Push through that’s what. There are kids in Ethiopia who don’t even have access to shellfish induced diarrhea.
I think I’ve been doing a good job living up to my reputation as a constantly travelling, Carmen Sandiego, free-wheeling troubadour by doing chores, grading on weekends and contemplating changing the drapes in the living room. That’s not to say I’m not taking a lot of trips, I am making seemingly constant trips to the hardware and grocery stores. We’ve decided to stay long term here in Colombia, and along those lines we’re buying a car, just got a 2
nd puppy and have taken jobs at the school where Sofia Vergara graduated.
Here are some of the reasons I have decided to stay:
A coyote in Mexico is a (usually quite sketchy) man who helps sneak people across the border into the US. A coyote in Colombia is a man you pay to pick up Yogen Früz from the mall and deliver it to your house. This is just to illustrate how not sketchy, but super convenient things are here.
Introducing Jiggy
We ignored all the internet advice on how to introduce a new puppy to your house. Cartagena is just a 75 minute drive away (no turns actually, we live on the road that goes there). Santa Marta is a 90 minute drive the other direction. I used to drive 55 minutes to work every day, in fact our boss lives here and works in Santa Marta. Those two cities were both on the top 25 places to visit in South America
http://colombiareports.com/colombia-has-4-of-25-top-south-america-destinations/ Colombia has the 2
nd most holidays in the world (behind only Argentina), and that’s on top of the fact I only work 10 months a year.
Have you ever tried a miracle fruit and then eaten a lulo or maracuya? Madness. If I could make that flavor into kool-aid they’d put my likeness on that pitcher that’s always smashing through walls. Oh no, Mr. KoolAid Man! You better fix that hole in the wall before my dad gets home and beats me with a toaster.
The weather is amazing. I do sometimes get cold when I’m sitting by the pool and my cocktail’s condensation drips on me.
Trini, my maid. She’s like 60 years old (or a poorly aged 40) and the hardest working lil’ hobbit you’ve ever met.
In the Sahara
They photoshopped their blanket so it looked like they died nose to nose in the desert. Not a great ps job either. No thumbs makes it hard I guess. She sings to herself, calls my dog her princess while tongue kissing her and is all around an inspiration to Baggins, Brandybucks and Tooks everywhere.*
La agua es gorda = the water is fat. It's a saying they have here meaning everything in the US makes you fat. I’m getting fat enough without the fat water adding to the problem.
I eat like 20 bananas a week. That costs me like a dollar-fifty here.
My boss‘s name is D. Sanchez.
Random thoughts: I feel like Cinnamon should give you cancer. It’s delicious but screams malignancy to me.
If I had a rat tail, I'd coat the end of it in a sugar crystal using that old science experiment where you boil a bunch of sugar into water then it crystalizes onto a string as it cools. Yes I realize this takes a long time and you might have to spend a few days with your rat tail in a jar of sugar water.
I think the nickname "The flyover state' for Kansas is pretty funny.
I have no idea how pumpkin pie flavored jellybeans aren’t the biggest thing since
Mt. Everest
Another dog photoshopping, of them dying together on top of Everest. They're very dramatic. sliced bread.
Maria sometimes compares bell peppers with Harriet Tubman in a way that makes total sense.
First off you need to know that huevos (eggs) is the slang for a man’s testicles. I was working out recently, doing abs in my boxers when my maid, the afore-mentioned Trini came in. Sometimes when doing abs in your boxers, the view is very balltacular. She came in to discuss what she was going to cook for lunch and said “I’m going to cook green beans and EGGS!”** The last word she said quite loudly and in shock, most likely due to getting a sneak peek at my huevos. The worst part was that in order to cover her exclamation we then had the disgusting combo of eggs and green beans for lunch. My own fault really.
I often times pass of the wisdom of the Wear Sunscreen song as my own with my students. They think me very profound.
Just to increase my ballerness, I’ve started having the maid use a champagne bucket for her mopping. You can see I’ve been out of touch with society too long when I’m still using terms like baller.
Camouflaged
You probably can't even see him, but there's a puppy in the picture. Had a Maximum Overdrive moment the other day when we came home after a nine hour work day and the blender was on inside the locked house. If temperature is any indicator it’d been on for several hours. I like to imagine that the ravioli bandit died and his ghost was trying to make hummus.
Although I said we never travel, we’re off to Kokoma for two weeks on Monday, I’ll blog after.
Movie: The Sound of My Voice is excellent. The Cranberries stay popular in the future, if you were wondering.
Book: The Fault In Our Stars by John Green is a YA novel but is a great read. YOU cried.
TV show: Children’s Hospital is basically all of my teenage ideas of what funny manifested as a tv show. Suffice to say it’s great.
Music:It’s not new by any means but whenever I need a pick me up I just listen to Alicia Keys singing the Gummi Bears Theme Song.
Putting the T back in domesTic,
Tyrone.
Life is like one big Mardi Gras, but instead
of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if the like what they see, you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with. ~Ellen
I intend to live forever, so far so good. ~ Stephen Wright
Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you. ~ Calvin Coolidge
*Tolkien picked the name Hobbit because it sounded similar to chubby.
**“Voy a cocinar habichuelos y HUEVOS!.”
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