Bi-Winning

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Life isn't about how good or bad our circumstances are - it's about how we dealt with the challenges that came our way. No one remembers someone who had an easy life. We, instead, relish stories of courageous individuals who overcame hardships when everything was stacked against them. Some unfortunate circumstances may take a while to navigate through and may see moments where there just seems to be no end, but that just adds patience to those who come through.

The past two and a half years have been some of the most difficult of my life. Some people may say that I brought it on myself, and I agree that there are consequences for our actions. But that still does not mean it was not tough. Losing my family, the trust of loved ones and my career hurt significantly. However, I can now say that I have overcome those dark times and feel I am on the road to defeat bipolar disorder. My travels the next year will certainly bring some light on the mind of a manic depressive.

So there is a major stigma attached to the disease. The word bipolar is synonymous with "STAY AWAY" for a lot of people. For example, I was medically retired from the Navy as a result of my mental illness. In a sense, that tells me I cannot be counted on the job. On top of that, the military and federal agencies are required to report mental illness to the criminal background check system and that means I'm on it. Almost makes me feel as if I am susceptible to being a criminal. What horrible things this stigma tells us! Also, as I look into future career opportunities, many of them require physicals which look down on bipolar disorder.

Besides the stigma we have to carry, the mood swings that we endure creates unpredictability and that can sometimes be hurtful to friends and family. For example, a deployment I served in 2008 put me in a major manic phase. My energy levels had never been so high being in such a high-intensity environment with very little sleep. When I came home, the intensity died away but my brain remained at a high level. This threw me into a "mixed state" or a combination of mania and depression where I still have the energy of a manic individual but the symptoms of depression. My behavior became increasingly erratic. I would just run off without saying a word. I would go into rants without providing a warning. Eventually, I would seek help only to be diagnosed with depression and being provided drugs that I would only abuse because I felt that "I deserved it." Eventually, abusing those drugs sent my brain into a tailspin and I began having seizures that could have been stirred by a combination of that medication and the stress I was enduring. This was all very confusing for a wife who expected bliss with my return from deployment. The seizures were just icing on the cake as I became like a third child who had to be cared for instead of the man I should be. Many people who experience what my ex-wife did would be scarred and fear becoming close to someone with a mental illness.

The worst part for those with bipolar disorder is our struggle to be honest with ourselves and with others. We don't want the disease. When diagnosed with it, I felt that I was being told I could not be successful at my job and that I did not deserve to be close to anyone. The diagnosis just said, "You cannot be trusted and you will hurt people!" So instead of tackling the disease head on, I avoided it. I told everyone that I was just fine when at the moment I was not. I quit taking the meds because I began to genuinely believe I was not manic depressive. Even after my family was lost and my career was slipping away, I kept on living the good life because it was everyone else that had the problem. But all that denial just led me over the side of a ferry in the cold, dark night.

On the other hand, some might say that there are others who are a little too honest about it, but I mean in a negative way. There are individuals who use the disease as an excuse for their destructive behavior. They become a let-down to everyone in their professional and social life because they feel entitled to. Somene close to me does just that with her diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder (a milder version). Everyone in her family is constantly on pins and needles when talking with or about her. She would miss work and get a doctor's excuse that would leave her co-workers left high and dry. Supervisors could not stand this and soon found an excuse to fire her. I was looking to have lunch with her recently as I have not seen her in quite some time. She wanted a phone call when I was in town, but after repeatedly dialing her number and not getting an answer, it was time to go to her door. Not only did she not answer her phone, she ignored the door as well. Later, she apologized and blamed it on her medication, but the damage was done and I was a little hurt by this. And being a fellow manic depressive, I did not see it as a legitimate excuse.

You see, we can have relationships and successful lives, but the first step is BRUTAL honesty and a SINCERE desire to get better. I sought counseling to learn how to deal with my wavering emotions and now am quite effective at it. Believe it or not, my friends are okay with hearing about my feelings, even when they aren't exactly uplifting. After years of avoiding it, medication has proved itself with me opening up to my health care provider when I felt off or robotic on them. I am now on a regiment that my doctor feels comfortable with me adjusting when I see a need to. You know what the best part is - people think I'm normal (besides maybe a quirk or two that every person has!) Maybe by overcoming those long two years and now living the moment, I can now provide a sense of hope.

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