my head hurts

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Krishna Krishna Krishna Krishna.

This path of the science of self realization is quite difficult from a finite's perspective. My understanding of the process is that first we must meditate on and realize our own good and bad qualities through self examination and introspection. I feel that through self examination we come to realize our many character defects, such as--i'll speak for myself here--narcissism, conceit, self-centeredness, self-indulgent, self-serving, miserly and general inconsiderate, egocentric qualities. I can't be ALL bad, can I? No! I must have some worth in the positive. I mean, all those "character defects" are good for ME, but when you consider that I have to deal with others than you can see that some problem may arise for me if i am acting fully in regards to my own benefit. Again, I MUST have some wealth for positive dealings with others. I feel introspection has revealed to me, in a humble manner, the positive qualities that I have to offer in my general dealings with others, which become some positive things within myself i can draw upon to give self-nourishment in order to carry on without becoming hopeless by the weight of my flaws. Realizing these positive things also helps keep me from being taken advantage of, by recognizing and protecting my self worth.

Difficulty arises, for me, because i am so inclined to finding fault in others, even though I realize that to examine others is useless and will bring only disturbance to my mind.

Every living thing is searching for some happiness. I believe in a reality where everything is of the positive, and in that positive everything is experiencing the highest kind of bliss, eternally. So within that realm there is no room for that negative fault finding in others. I've been taught that all these "character defects" are caused by false ego. Why is it false? Because if there is a supreme positive realm of eternal bliss waiting for all in existence than there is no room for that self serving type of egocentric attitude, that is why it is called false ego. The permanent ego pertains to the realization of qualities which can be utilized to serve others. For that permanent ego to be realized there must first be some understanding of a common goal or a single source of that loving bliss that all can try to serve. THAT IS KRISHNA! The syllables Krish-Na mean all attractive! Krishna is attracting all and he is also: Raso vai sah, the reservoir of all pleasure, and akhila rasamrita murti, ecstasy personified Himself. Everyone can be satisfied to the highest degree in their hearts ONLY by the nectar of krishna's words and the nectarine description of his pastimes. (last couple sentences taken from Sri Guru and His Grace, Swami B.R. Sridhara) i read that part today and as i was writing this part of my blog i thought it proper to share that.
So I said earlier that this process of self realization is difficult, and for me it is, because it is a process of beating the false ego from your existence. Cleaning and scrubbing every particle of your existence of any egocentric thought process. It's hard for me because I am still in big illusion and I'm identifying with that false ego, so when I am beating that ego I, by illusion, am feeling some of that beating.
Some who may read this might ask "if it's so difficult than why are you doing it?" I point to what is said about Krishna and say i'm trying to develop a PERSONAL relationship the supreme, the cause of all causes, He is by himself and for Himself. To enter into a personal relationship with him it is not possible to have any shred of egocentric mentality or tendency, because He is the recipient of all service and sacrifice. Due to our misfortune we had some desire to be the recipient of service, we wanted to enjoy and not serve, that is why we are here. Krishna has lovingly given us what we wanted and through our own free will we have come to this material world, but we are foreigners here, our home is that spiritual world where we will eternally serve with unconditional love that reservoir of all pleasure. Because we are originally from that realm of loving devotional service it is the nature and heartfelt utmost desire or the soul to serve Krishna with unconditional love. So that process of self realization is actually nourishing to the soul, nourishing to who we really are, our true identities. Actually we already have a relationship with Krishna, but due to the illusion we are under and our false ego we do not have the vision or capacity to realize that relationship within our hearts. So the more I try to eliminate the false ego through being humble, tolerant, and giving honor to others, who I really am is revealed to me and the more I am nourished and more inspiration to carry on will follow.
The key is to be humble, tolerant and give honor to others. To give honor to others we must first see the good in them and if we try to give honor everywhere we will see that good is everywhere (that everything is coming from that positive realm of dedication and loving devotion) if we can be humble we will not create disturbance to that realm, and if we can be tolerant we will remain undisturbed and fixed in our path.

that's about all i can muster, my head really does hurt and it's 2AM. i beg for you all to forgive my offenses, past, present, and future. be merciful to me and give me your shelter and let me serve you.

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Comments

[Mom]

Thank you dear boy. I hope your head has stopped hurting.