Black and White fiasco

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Awoken from a dream, this early afternoon, I realized that I was not in Denver, not in the states, alone in a super quiet hostel. This is fine. What I then realized, was the actions that had taken place mere hours ago in the streets of Chueca. Renato (I'm certain that's his name) met me at Black & White around 1:30, I forgot that I had his number on my phone and called him to let him know that I was waiting for him and his friends to arrive. Everything was fine, I did my best to keep up with the conversation, though it is difficult for me and I often get confused. It is especially troublesome when the conversation is laced with loud music and alcohol. We ended up at a nearby bar, why I'm not certain,though I was asked my opinion. The bar had different mixture of people, gay, straight, old, young, and of course very drunk. I didn't want to dance. I couldn't, I was getting tired, this was my fourth evening out, and I am not used to being out this late in public. I can stay home fine and watch Roseanne with my cats til the sun comes up, but being social and interactive, on this scale, was nearly impossible for me to handle. I Told Renato I had to leave, that I had to go home. I was in near tears, it was difficult because I wanted to know everything that was being said, I felt that I wasn't really in the bar, that I was merely a delineation of a person, anyone, and tonight I was able to see.
He got very upset, (concerned?) and explained that it did not matter if I could not understand his friends because I was there with him, in his company. This brought me back to GDL, and with Gera and one evening where he got a little physical with me, our first argument that ended with him in tears apologizing and telling me how much he cared. This was not the case, I barely knew this person, and he knows nothing of me except the explicable fact that I am a foreigner in a new country failing profusely at fitting in the Madrid nightlife. The worst part was his friends followed him everywhere he went, they were soon at his shadow asking what was the problem. One, I believe his name is Frederico, spoke some English and mumbled some English, repeating some of what I was saying, not that this was helpful in any way. I told Renato to stay, that I would be fine (I remembered how to get back to the hostel from the evening before when he had walked me) and for him to stay with his friends. He then said that I was leaving him alone (alone?!?) and to stay. I mustered up what leftover energy I had within myself and we left the bar to return to Black & White. There were many more people this time, and many more salutations from Renato to his many many friends. This again reminded me of Gera, and how at Angel's we would make our way through the clubs, he would greet his friends and tell them how I am his boyfriend and how I speak no Spanish (no matter if I was able to converse with them or not).
I felt, for me, that an hour was good, then I would be able to go home and sleep. Renato's face dropped again when I said that I wanted to leave. I left the bar without saying goodbye to anyone, rude yes, but at that point I'm certain I was just an inconvenience to them, with leaving the last 2 places. I waited for him outside, recognizing the gentleman who sells empanadas and other items near the entrance. He saw me and we were headed in the direction of my hostel. Renato ran into one person after another, this is fine, but he kept going on about how I was his new interest (boyfriend) and that I spoke no Spanish. So I experienced a variety of comments, retorts to that piece of trivia. What was I to do, I did my best (in my opinion) to be as cordial as possible, I mean I was tired, really tired. We stopped for a moment because he wanted me to return to the bar (again!) I told him that I could not, that I was embarrassed for making such a big deal out of not wanting to be there, that I felt foolish. He started to get irate with me, in near tears he said that he was the fool, that he has been telling me all night how he feels and how it doesn't matter that I don't speak well with his friends, because I was with him. I understand why he was upset, I do. But I just wanted to go to sleep. I did my best for the evening, it was nearly 4:30 and what can I say, in my defense this is all new to me, even in Mexico I was never out this late. Spain is different for me, I'm getting old.
Renato gave me an ultimatum, that if I leave for the hostel to never call him. Or to return to the bar then with him. That wasn't fair, however I made my choice. He was even more upset, I could see the look on his face. He closed his eyes, kissed my left cheek and then the right, and was gone. I don't know if I will see him again, it was nice to meet him. Right now I'm just not ready to be with anyone, this was the perfect example why. My neurosis transcends cultures and oceans. I'm not worth the trouble.

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Comments

[anonymous]

What an ass!
You had every right to leave. As someone who has had to get used to a different lifestyle in Chile I can totally understand. My first few months here I had a really hard time staying out late (the clubs/bars here don't close until 5am) not to mention getting used to the language, culture, and trying to put up with the fact that you just aren't going to understand everything. Keep you head up, buddy. You're TOTALLY worth the "trouble".