On Being a Father from Afar

---

Being a father is one of the biggest blessings any man will be able to experience. I have never had more butterflies in my stomach than the day I watched my son, Jordan, be born. And carrying my little girl the second I came home from deployment sent chills through my spine. Every time I see them, whether it is on Skype or at the airport when I fly to see them, I grin from ear-to-ear. Those little ones mean the world to me and ignite feelings I never knew I had.

Now being far from them sometimes makes me sad. Sure, it's a shame that my marriage was unhappy and not meant to be, but that does not change the fact that I am their father. In fact, despite that circumstance, I am confident that I am the best dad my children can ask for. After all, kids need a man who can stand firm, set an example, embrace the moment, and love beyond any geographical bounds. And as long as that remains the case, Jordan and Taylor get to experience a fulfilling childhood.

My kids live on the hot and dry lands of West Texas. My current calling has me in the wet lands of Western Washington. That's an incredible distance to be away. This is also something my children may not understand and will bother them at some point in the future. My future calling does not have them quite so near in the future. And unfortunately, we will probably never live in the same town. But I stand firm and follow my calling. Many men who live with their kids waiver in their thinking because they work a job that provides no purpose and ignites no passion just for the sake of living. My children don't need that. They need a man who is strong and lives for something more meaningful. And while I can fear some confusion for them, the fact is, there is there are challenges in every child's life in many circumstances beyond just presence. At that point, they will need a strong father-figure with the wisdom to help guide them to their calling.

Men need passion. We need battles to fight and adventures to pursue. Heck, we need a woman to fight for that will keep that heart ablaze. It goes beyond what Judeo-Christian society tells men what they ought to be: "dutiful, sensitive, disciplined, diligent, etc." All of these qualities are great, but by themselves lead to a life regretted. We were made to strive for these characteristics and so much more. Jordan and Taylor need to see that they have a father who has so many great qualities and, on top of that, lives his dreams. They need to know that it is okay to have broad horizons and to reach beyond what their surroundings say is possible. I need to be the man I can imagine Jordan being and the one I can imagine Taylor being with.

When it comes down to it, the only thing that truly matters is this moment. What you do now will not change the past and will not bring the future here any faster. But it is where you build yourself and your happiness. It is the chance to make the most of it and create good memories in the process. And it is those great memories that lead us ready to embrace the next moment. When I talk to Taylor and Jordan, or better yet, when we are together, they are my moment. I give them my all knowing that it is what really matters. Many fathers who live with their kids are more absent than I am because they do not take hold of each day as it comes. But my children can continue living their lives in their home, at school, and with their friends knowing their father thinks the world of them because we embraced our moments together.

Most importantly, everything I have said previously is about showing affection, but it's easier to show it if you really do love your children. It's plain and simple, they may not be with me here on Father's Day, but I love them! I want to be a strong man who stands firm, lives his passions and takes hold of the moment because my feelings are deep for them. Love overcomes any space between them and me and can break down any obstacles that we come across together in the future. I will continue to genuinely love them for as long as I live which is what a child wants from their father beyond anything else.

Despite being bipolar, I am a great father because I do everything I can to not let bipolar disorder become a self-fulfilling prophecy. There have been moments I wish I can take back where my love for them did not become apparent, whether it was me being taken in by extreme moods, the abuse of alcohol or attempts to take my own life. But those are challenges that us with bipolar disorder have to overcome to truly be there for those we truly care about and those who care about us. We can choose to let the "disease" take us and continue in the destruction. But getting in touch with my moods, getting help when I need it, and taking treatment seriously is one of the ultimate reasons I believe I am the best dad my children can ask for.

---