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Me: Crazy
There is a reason why people in Japan hate meSo for those not keeping up with my blog...I just flew back from a ten day trip in Calgary/Montana. I'll recount the whole trip over the next few days (as soon as I get pics from other people on the trip). We spent 3 days in Calgary with Ted's family, drove 9 hours to a ski lodge Ted owns in Montana stayed there 5 days, then drove back for 2 more days in Calgary. To get you accustomed to the people in the trip, I've made short introductions of each person on the trip.
Note: I'll put pictures of everyone once anyone on the trip sends me photos.
***Disclaimer, believe what you want in the descriptions. Just remember my pervading dark sense of humor infects these short bios and if you want a fair account of everyone involved, meet them in person as they're wonderful people.
The Main Cast
Me-Not much here you don’t know, so I’ll try painting a picture of me from the Japanese perspective: I look like any old Japanese boy my age (except I don’t dress in really tight jeans with $100 T-shirts and I don’t have long silky hair and wear makeup),
Teddy
Tomu Kuru-zu!!!!!! but as soon as I do/say anything, my façade is broken…Then they find out my parents are both Japanese and I’m a product of the same overpopulated island country as them and they freak. Their heads explode as they try to place me within the perfect stereotype they have of other Japs. However, they all love me because I'm so different. The only place on earth where a skinny ass Asian male who can't bench press his weight (115) divided by his math grade (100, of course) is considered cool.
Teddy-I’ve featured him enough on this site, so once again I’ll illustrate him in the eyes of a typical Jap: He is rude. He looks like Tom Cruise. Holy shit! He speaks Japanese! White skin! Kansai Dialect! Blue eyes! Holy shit! Overload.
Yuriko/Shortstop-I’ve written part of an
entry on her…I found on this trip she is the definition of an airhead. When she opened her mouth, I didn’t know whether I was speaking to a 12 year old blond girl from Ontario or a 12 year old JAP from the Upper East Side. We did have some good talks though…but only when we were alone and could speak
The Shortstop
She even flirts with stuffed bears! freely. Otherwise, I treated her like a TV, something I watch passively from time to time when I have nothing better to do.
Yu/Soulja Boy/Balloon-If the Shortstop has the brains of a 12 year old, Yu has the brains of a lab-created fetus byproduct of K-Fed and a rock. I’m convinced a balloon has more in between its rubber walls than Yu has between her ears. In one famous moment of “Are you fucking serious?”, me and Shin jokingly told her that the key of Old Maid was to keep the Old Maid until the end. She turned to us and said, “Really? That’s why I’ve been losing! I have to change my strategy! Thanks!” Apparently, she is a self-proclaimed expert in this basic card game based completely on luck.
(Note: she just happens to be gullible, not stupid. I’m just being a typical New Yorker…do you wonder why tourists hate our city?)
Chiaki Ueda-my target. There’s
part of an entry devoted to our meeting. Nothing much else to say…the one time I met her before in Japan, she seemed to be dressed normally. However, in the frame of reference of North America (especially since we were in the bible
Yu!!
Yu manages to count to two belt of Montana) I realized how much of a hipster her style is: she’s always got a pocket watch (is this the fucking 1800’s?), about 10 bells and whistles (literally bells and whistles) hanging from chains around her small neck and a toy camera. Yeah, a toy fucking camera. It’s not a real camera, but a huge, cumbersome, plastic accessory. If she weren’t so cute and adorable and Japanese, I would’ve beat her over the head with her toy camera and strangled her with the chain from her pocketwatch.
Soon Hae-Teddy’s target. She famously cockblocked me in the
legendary game of the summer. Fuck her. Actually, she was one of the best females to hang with on the trip, and I bonded pretty well with her. She’s fucking hilarious, and since she’s one of the few people both sides of the Pacific who laughs at my weak jokes, by default she’s amazing.
Shin Ubuki/Mr. Fresh- He was the most hilarious, most drunk and craziest, yet, inexplicably, the shyest guy in the trip. He was amazing! Everything he said/did was a 10.0 on the unintentional comedy scale. I can’t even give his character justice without writing a novel on him. Amazing. I bonded
Chiaki
she can't rotate her neck due to the number of accessories hanging from her neck most with him over the trip.
Yuki Sogabe/Smooth Surface-This guy has “swarmy teeth” yet has the typical Jboy look that Tokyo skanks fall for. He’s had sex in a mall staircase!! Jesus! Second to Mr. Fresh, he ranks second in comedy, but his is all intentional. Not really much of a character, as beneath his humor, he’s just a typical Jboy…except he’s had sex in a mall staircase…jesus.
Supporting Cast
Teddy’s mom (Jayne)-Amazing mom: cooks, drives and most amazingly, stayed out of the picture even though we were in the middle of nowhere in a cabin for a week. Being the only person, besides Teddy, who was willing to speak English (everyone else was happily yapping away in the Japanese they hadn’t used for a year), I guess I spoke to her the most. But in a testament to her awesomeness, the fact that I didn’t speak to her more than a combined 15 minutes over 10 days means she was graciously out of the picture the whole trip. Which I find amazing considering how much she did for us…
The one conversation we did have of significant length was the only common thing between us:
Soon hae
trying to come up with another legendary cockblock campaign AMERICA!! We talked about hot dogs, guns, 9/11, football, bald eagles and hating Saddam/Osama/Canadians as she drove her Toyota truck through the prairies.
Sam (Teddy’s brother)-Met him for 2 seconds. Tall, blond, handsome…the Shortstop had a slight crush, but during the trip she was flirting with everything: lifties, Teddy’s friends, basketball players…hell, she probably would’ve tried to invite the gardener to her bed if she spoke Spanish…so this was not abnormal.
Maggie (Teddy’s sister)-Watched her break a poor girl’s ankles in a Calgary high school bball game. Don’t remember much else from her game as I was busy staring at the craziness of her baller private school. Everything was sparkling clean, all the furniture was swanky designer stuff and there was glass and steel everywhere. They had a huge state of the art gym, a winding metal staircase in the lobby, a weight room and NO BLACK PEOPLE! However, they substituted the hilarity of black people with the hilarity of Asian math nerds trying to interact with suburbanite stoner skater boys who are trying to hit on pre-teen bitchy prima donnas.
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Dam
I don't think I've seen a hotter pic of shortstop before this blog entry....GOSH DARN!